Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. “We’ve removed miracles entirely by explaining them with science,” Francis stated. “We also took out all of the overt sexism, racism and gratuitous violence.” The Vatican says it went ahead and addressed potentially homophobic verses by simply removing them. “Honestly, most of Leviticus is gone,” Francis confirmed. “Instead we’ve taken a realistic route and included a gay love affair and wedding between Jesus and his disciple John.” The Vatican is set to release the 79-page Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible by Easter Sunday – or as the new holy book calls it – April Fool’s Day. Advertisements
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
“Once I hit the 20-minute mark there was a turtle head poking out. Just in and out, in and out it went,” Francis gestured with his fingertip through an O-shape on his other hand.
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump
The company is set to increase revenue by a staggering 37% by simply having their most competent employees run the store once a week.
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].