Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who will live and who will die. “We feel we are being persecuted for our faith by being told to we must close our doors,” pastor Anthony Spelling of New Orleans stated. “We are all vectors of God’s love and we intend to share and spread that love throughout the community. We won’t be stopped.” While scientists warn that allowing places of worship to reopen will undoubtedly cause further spread of the coronavirus and countless deaths, some admit they are intrigued by the prospects of studying the phenomenon. “We rarely see natural selection in action so clearly, but it makes sense that we would see it right now amongst a segment of the population that has no actual or factual coping mechanism for reality,” leading immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “It’s time for everyone to grow up.” Fauci concluded by citing Bible scripture. “For those of you who insist that you must be able to enter churches in order to worship, Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, I am there with them.’ So stay the fuck home!” Advertisements
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny
Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model.
Scientists have discovered the oldest known material on Earth: a pubic hair that’s 7 billion years old. The finding is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “Long ago this hair was most likely tucked away in God’s long, flowing, white robe,” head researcher Brian Heckman stated. “It struck our planet half a century ago, perhaps after being plucked or shaved off by our merciful creator.” Researchers believe the finding will open doors to more religion-based science. “This ancient interstellar crotch crop, made of presolar protiens means there’s more to find,” Heckman stated. “The universe could very well be filled with God’s toenail clippings, nose hairs, and dry skin; we just haven’t been looking for it.”
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai