The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.” Advertisements
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai
17-year old Brighton Phillips of Peoria, Arizona won an internship with NASA his senior year of high school and drove all the way to Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. On his first full day, Phillips was tasked with examining the brightness of a star through NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS). Only one day into his internship, he discovered Heaven. After verifying Phillip’s work, NASA announced on their website the existence of Heaven and published a paper with the young man’s findings. “I just had to adjust the zoom and direction we were facing so we weren’t gazing into outer space. I looked just above Earth’s clouds and sure enough there was Heaven,” Phillips stated. “I first got the initial glimpse and thought, ‘Oh man, that looks so cool,’ but then when I looked at the full image, my lab mate and I noticed we were looking right at an old man, and he was naked.” According to NASA, Phillips then panned around and found that Heaven was mostly full of nude, elderly people. “No one was wearing any clothes and the average age was somewhere around 73,” Phillips confirmed. “So I guess we all have that to look forward to.”
In a measured, peaceful, yet offensive response to attacks on US troops in Iraq, president Trump ordered the Air Force to drop over a billion tons of bacon dust over Iran’s capital city of Tehran. “With pork being the only meat that absolutely may not be consumed by Muslims, we’ve made certain that everyone in that city has inhaled or ingested the crispy pig dust,” president Trump grinned. Photo credit Kevin Stanchfield
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
A visibly shocked and annoyed Pope Francis had to slap a woman in a crowd at St Peter’s Square during a New Year’s Eve party after she aggressively and repeatedly grabbed his ass. Francis, who had been twerking through the square, had just finished grinding with a young boy. The Pope then turned and started shaking his ass at the crowd. Just then, a nearby woman lunged, seized his cheeks, and pull him towards her. The abrupt humping motion seemed to cause him pain as Francis swiftly slapped the woman before pulling his ass free and dancing his way back toward the boy. As of press time the woman in question had been identified, charged with sexual assault, and excommunicated from the Church. Meanwhile, Francis and the boy were spotted this morning having brunch. The two were then headed to purchase the teenager a brand new car, the latest iPhone, and whatever else it takes to get past last night’s trauma.