Just days after Mississippi lawmakers voted to replace the state flag because it included the old, racist Confederate flag in the top left corner, government officials have unveiled a new design that has upset both atheists and racists in the country. “We left an empty void in the top left corner to represent a white flag of surrender. This corrects the history of our flag and shows that the Confederacy was the loser of a war in which they were traitors to their country and defenders of slavery,” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves stated. “Now, unfortunately this pissed off our racist, ignorant residents and there’s no reasoning with stupid. So, to calm them down a bit, we added an oversized ‘In God We Trust’ to the flag, but this has angered the atheists and sort of annoyed the agnostics.” In response, the American Atheists released a pointed statement. “If there really was an all-knowing, all-powerful and loving ‘God’ then we wouldn’t have to deal with hate, war, and racism in the first place. The new state flag might as well say ‘We’re stupid and scared’,” the letter read. “Getting people to think is like herding cattle. So, we’ll take this baby step against racism as a small victory and keep pushing to remove ‘God’ from the flag because the government cannot endorse one religious view over another. The constitution doesn’t care about your unfounded feelings.” As of Tuesday morning, the atheists had already begun taking the necessary legal steps to challenge the new flag in court. Meanwhile, hundreds of angry protesters who don’t understand the meaning behind the Confederate flag, what Jesus would really do, or how government works were gathering outside the state capital with their biggest guns. Advertisements
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason why the virus continues to harm the United States to such a great extent,” Francis stated while wearing a Black Lives Matter mask. “It is a direct rebuke from God and science of the Trump administration and all of its lies. Having spoken at length with the Lord, I am confident that anyone who still supports Mr. Trump must be plain evil at worst, or really fucking stupid at best. You can be a man of God or you can follow a Godless man, but I say unto you, you cannot do both.” Francis concluded his short address by pleading with Americans to wear face masks. “Much like the Devil, this virus is invisible, insidious, and infectious. But, just like prayer, a mask can help to shield us from this evil. And if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely confident that prayer does anything, but science clearly shows that wearing a mask does,” Francis stated. “So the bottom line is this, by not wearing a mask you are giving Satan easy access to stick his coronavirus-infected phallus – and all of his lies – right down your throat. And when you do that, there’s no room for Jesus inside of you.”
Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
A Politico-Morning Consult poll released today found that 27% of Americans somewhat or strongly believe that president Trump is a man of faith. Meanwhile 55% of respondents say they somewhat or strongly believe that Trump is not a religious man. What do you think?
Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. That’s for sure. I feel like I could have picked a better container,” Gibbons frowned. “I just don’t think the parishioners are believing my story that God told me to buy a heavy duty trash can for this purpose.” As of press time, Gibbons said he would be getting rid of the giant container and be resorting back to good old fashioned Catholic guilt next weekend.
Pope Francis took time out of his weekly address today to tell priests and followers across the globe to “cancel mass, stay home, and read a goddamned Bible already!” “I’m most deeply saddened and ashamed for the priests who have clearly not read the holy book!” Francis yelled. “Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.’ So there’s no need to hold mass like fucking fools and spread this deadly virus!” Francis then paused and took a deep breath while unsuccessfully attempting to collect himself. “So my challenge to all of the faithful is this: Do me a favor! Read the Bible for once in your goddamned lives! Cover-to-cover, just once. Do it for me!” Francis shouted. “For I say unto thee: as truly fucked up as the Bible is, there do exist some good little truth nuggets, although they are sparsely scattered throughout. Amen.” Photo Credit Mario Duran-Ortiz
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big man in the sky, I don’t know what you think you are doing, but you won’t mess this up for me!” a visibly angry Trump shouted. “I know that there are a lot of people dying, and we can deal with that, but I come before you today to ask for financial blessings to boost the American economy so I can get reelected.” Trump paused to fix his dentures which had come loose from his yelling before continuing on. “Rush Limbaugh keeps me strong, and I know Fox News will sustain me and my followers with alternative facts. But Lord, my wealthy friends and I do seek a large sum of money to maintain our current lifestyles and comforts. This won’t come unless you do something to get these heathen liberals to open up their states! Bottom line: you caused this, so you should fix it!” As he concluded his meandering speech, the president tried for a softer tone. “Finally Lord, we do thank you for providing for us. Specifically for giving us so many essential workers that are willing to risk their non-essential lives. May we never run out of them as we work to reopen this great nation earlier than the godless scientists say we should. The end. Err… I mean, ahh men!”