Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of utilitarianism Jeremy Bentham, started when the president’s brother Robert Trump showed up at the pearly gates instead of Donald. “It sounds crass on the face of it, but the reality is that there is a moral question at hand: Do you take one life to save thousands of others?” Bentham stated. “Quite quickly it becomes apparent that the right thing to do is to remove this evil man who has clearly done more harm than good during the pandemic. There’s a lot of blood on his hands.” When asked how he felt about Robert Trump’s death, Bentham stated, “It is what it is.”
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland
An unidentified protester in Portland, Oregon lit several Bibles and an American flag on fire last night, causing outrage across the country. What happened next will warm your heart. The man wasn’t burned, brutally attacked, arrested or otherwise injured. He later delivered a moving address, stating that his actions represent the beauty of living in a somewhat-free nation that protects your right to free speech. “I’d like to thank our men and women in uniform for fighting for my right to burn this flag and holy book in order to make a statement about my dissatisfaction with the current state of our country,” the protester declared. “And if you care more about some cloth, paper, and ink burning than you do the systematic killing of living and breathing human beings, then maybe you should reevaluate your life.”
President Trump shared a video on Twitter yesterday featuring a doctor named Stella Immanuel who claimed that she’s cured COVID-19 with hydroxychloroquine. Within minutes of posting the video, it was revealed that Dr. Immanuel also believes that having sexual intercourse with demons is the cause of diseases and that the government is run by reptilians. “If this source is good enough for Donald, then it is good enough for me,” an elated Melania Trump stated. “So beginning today – for personal health reasons – I will no longer be fulfilling any sexual aspects of my marriage contract until someone can prove to me that my husband isn’t an evil lizard-demon.” As of press time vice president Mike Pence said that he “fully supported” Melania’s decision, admitting that he has “never had sex with Mother for any reason other than procreation.”
According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of the pandemic. “As a God-fearing Christian, it makes me jealous that so many people are getting to meet Jesus,” Fox News host Laura Ingraham smiled. “Because the world is such a chaotic place right now, who wouldn’t rather be meeting our Lord and Savior? Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” As of noon today, Fox News was reporting that 73% of coronavirus victims from the US – or about 100,740 people – were having a fantastic time in Heaven. The network also reminded non-believers that there was still time to convert and be saved from an eternity of burning in hell; a message that has already been a part of Fox’s daily programming since 1996.
Just days after Mississippi lawmakers voted to replace the state flag because it included the old, racist Confederate flag in the top left corner, government officials have unveiled a new design that has upset both atheists and racists in the country. “We left an empty void in the top left corner to represent a white flag of surrender. This corrects the history of our flag and shows that the Confederacy was the loser of a war in which they were traitors to their country and defenders of slavery,” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves stated. “Now, unfortunately this pissed off our racist, ignorant residents and there’s no reasoning with stupid. So, to calm them down a bit, we added an oversized ‘In God We Trust’ to the flag, but this has angered the atheists and sort of annoyed the agnostics.” In response, the American Atheists released a pointed statement. “If there really was an all-knowing, all-powerful and loving ‘God’ then we wouldn’t have to deal with hate, war, and racism in the first place. The new state flag might as well say ‘We’re stupid and scared’,” the letter read. “Getting people to think is like herding cattle. So, we’ll take this baby step against racism as a small victory and keep pushing to remove ‘God’ from the flag because the government cannot endorse one religious view over another. The constitution doesn’t care about your unfounded feelings.” As of Tuesday morning, the atheists had already begun taking the necessary legal steps to challenge the new flag in court. Meanwhile, hundreds of angry protesters who don’t understand the meaning behind the Confederate flag, what Jesus would really do, or how government works were gathering outside the state capital with their biggest guns.