“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
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Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
Trump to Declare National Emergency & Melt Down Statue of Liberty on Friday
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gave His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”
Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
Pope Francis Officially Moves Christmas 2019 to March
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
Heartbroken Ford Owners Euthanize 874,000 Shitty Pickup Trucks
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI.
Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed.
Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump: Construction of Gold, Mansion-Styled Prison ‘is First Big Step Toward Prison Reform’
The 112 bed, 202 bath Mar-a-Lago Federal Correction Complex will be one of a kind.
Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
Mitch McConnell Legally Changes Name to ‘Bitch McConnell’
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
