“There’s zero evidence to prove that this ‘Mr. Curry’ is not simply a sentient organism comprised of a complex combination of sauce, meats, vegetables, herbs and spices,” the press release stated.
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Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
Mitch McConnell Legally Changes Name to ‘Bitch McConnell’
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”
Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing
“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell
US Health & Human Services Encourages Bulimia Over Anorexia
“If you are going to pick one, pick bulimia. That’s all we’re saying here.”
White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
“It really comes down to time and resources.”
An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’.
Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference.
Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics
“Americans will become more honest and open about sex, sexual education, and hardcore sexual domination,” Cornell said while rubbing his ‘itchy nipples’.
Pope Asks all Catholics to Pray Before Oral Intercourse
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis.
U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’
Barron Trump Returned to Japan After Malfunctions
“Aggression toward the president grew incrementally,” said head ATRI researcher Kaito Nakamura.
Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of.
Over 7% of This Year’s Winter Olympic Athletes are Blind
The visually impaired are suddenly excelling at winter sports and scientists want to know why.
Steve Bannon Starts Line of Alcoholic Bananas
‘Bananons,’ will be infused with Everclear grain alcohol which…
McDonald’s to Open 375,000 New Restaurants: One for Each Employee
“This will allow every single employee to move up the ladder and manage their own McDonald’s.”
Packers Will Try Out All-Male Cheerleading Squad in Upcoming Season
“This move to male cheerleaders is a conscious effort to push back against female objectific…”
Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly.
The ‘Too Soon’ Gun Campaign Asks Domestic Terrorists to “Tone it Down”
Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who wants to purchase more military-grade weapons.
Trump: ‘South Koreans Have Fired Japan Over Itself With a Nuclear Missile’
In an emotional response, U.S. President Donald Trump has tweeted a well-thought-out message to the world regarding the alarming missile launch today over Japan:
Volvo Unveils Controversial Car Designed ‘Exclusively for Women’
“Volvo states that “physically, the cars will be exactly the same as current models; however…”
5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying
There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”
Milwaukee to Issue Flamethrowers to Residents
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”
