“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt Continue reading Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain … Continue reading Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
With the 9/11 meeting fast approaching, the Taliban says they’re ready to make a really big impact. Continue reading Trump just invited the Taliban to ‘fly into Trump Tower’ with a poorly-worded tweet
We’ve all seen the president sniffling and rubbing his nose, but we now know his drug-of-choice was actually marker huffing, not cocaine. Yesterday, after Trump held up an inaccurate, Sharpie-altered map of Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory, countless Sharpie memes mocking the … Continue reading Trump frantically seeks new high after ordering all Sharpies be removed from the White House
With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat … Continue reading 25 grocery store chains ban open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food
Most Americans are sharing a collective laugh, yet again, as another no-name candidate has exited the field of 2020 presidential candidates. What do you think? Brenton Ridgewater, 39, stay-at-home son Janice Jenkins, 41, life coach in training Gerald Higgins, 81, … Continue reading Americans who wanted fresh, new faces in office laugh as what’s-his-name ends presidential bid
Finally there’s a way for insomniacs and worriers to get a good night’s sleep. Continue reading Having Trouble Sleeping? Bathing in the Blood of Your Enemies Could Help
“We had a brief window of opportunity here and we didn’t take it,” presidential candidate Cory Booker stated. Continue reading White House Quietly Removes Treason From Offenses Punishable by Death
“The hardest part for candidates will be trying not to laugh at the very things they claim to find offensive.” Continue reading Democrats Will Play Cards Against Humanity On Live TV Instead of Debating
“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.” Continue reading Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s
Today marks the first time that Merriam-Webster has put an official photograph in their famous dictionary. Continue reading Webster’s Dictionary Adds Photo of Trump to the Definition of ‘Racist’
A recent Gallop Poll of 7,500 Americans showed that 95% of citizens don’t believe Eric Trump has a bottom set of teeth. More News Support the Author Take me to the MEMES! Continue reading 95% of Americans Don’t Believe That Eric Trump Has Any Bottom Teeth
Trump is revealing the meaning of ‘covfefe’ and people couldn’t be more excited. Continue reading Expect a Giant Covfefe Balloon at Trump’s 4th of July Parade
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body. Continue reading Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders. Continue reading Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders
