“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
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Announcement
Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors
Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain shuts down if I don’t know what’s between someone’s legs,” collector Walter Thomas stated. “How will I know which dolls I’m allowed to be attracted to? How will I know if I’m being gay?” Meanwhile, the Conservative Doll Collectors of America say they plan to boycott, or possibly girlcott Mattel as soon as they get their bearings and “figure out what the hell is going on.”
AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”
Trump just invited the Taliban to ‘fly into Trump Tower’ with a poorly-worded tweet
With the 9/11 meeting fast approaching, the Taliban says they’re ready to make a really big impact.
Trump frantically seeks new high after ordering all Sharpies be removed from the White House
We’ve all seen the president sniffling and rubbing his nose, but we now know his drug-of-choice was actually marker huffing, not cocaine. Yesterday, after Trump held up an inaccurate, Sharpie-altered map of Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory, countless Sharpie memes mocking the president’s flub flooded the internet. It appears that president Trump didn’t take the jokes too well because, as of this morning, White House staff have already spent 13 hours scouring the building for Sharpies and giving them to Republican lawmakers to get high before writing more bills. Meanwhile, Trump went around sniffing everything and anything while fighting withdrawals and searching for that next high. Finally, after hours, the president seems to have settled on huffing his spray tan solution which has made his nose noticeably more orange than the rest of his body.
25 grocery store chains ban open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food
With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat their food now. “For me it’s a comfort thing. I always shoot my meat before throwing it in the cart,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated. “You gotta make sure it’s dead before you touch it. Overall, the grocery store is a dangerous place.” With so many food stores banning open carry, many gun owners are afraid that they will no longer be respected in public out of fear alone. “My guns define who I am as a person, and that person is small, scared and insecure,” LaPierre stated. “If people aren’t nervous around me, then I really have no other redeeming qualities. What else am I supposed to do, and where else can gun owners hunt for food? It’s not like there’s some big, open land or forest we can go to.”