Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option.
Announcement
Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
Yes, There’s a Parallel Universe Where You Aren’t a Total Piece of Shit
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
‘Uber Old’ Will Let Elderly Passengers Ride Along, Tell Stories
The option will let baby boomers and the remainder of the silent generation enjoy the company of others.
New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
Taco Bell Releases Cheese-Free Colon Cleanse Menu
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols
23andMe Discovers Gary Busey & Boris Johnson Are Trump’s Brothers
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
Trump Is Being Impeached For Tweeting About “The Greatest Blowjob Ever” From Sarah Sanders
Republicans now agree that the President has committed an impeachable offense.
Robert Mueller Announces Presidential Bid to Take Down Trump
“I’m running because I have a very particular set of skills,” the 7-foot tall former FBI Director bellowed. “Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you, Mr. Trump.”
Apple Releases iPhone Rotary with Real Crank-Dialing and Switchboard Operators
“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.
Scientists End Debate: ‘Pineapple Belongs on Pizza if You Enjoy Pineapple on Pizza, You Shitheads’
“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”
NFL Announces ‘Hall of Fam’ Nomination for Donovan McNabb, Other Slightly Above Average Players
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
Sarah Sanders: “Memorial Day is a Republican Holiday”
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
Piling Bodies, Trash & Feces Make Mount Everest 9 Feet Taller Every Week
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
Kim Kardashian Sues Jack in the Box Over Explosive Diarrhea
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
Courageous Group is Taking Back the Swastika.
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
Elizabeth Warren Becomes Spokeswoman for New Lesbian Dating App Mufflr
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
Greenpeace Tells Americans: “Wipe Your Butts With Your Hands”
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
Uber Adds Rude ‘Shut Up’ Button to Silence Drivers During Rides
“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”
Trump Ends Capitalism in The United States
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
Everyone Who Used Snapchat’s Gender-Swap Filter is Now Banned From US Military
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is Finally PC Enough to Film After 13 Years of Rewrites
“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren