Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe

“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt Continue reading Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe

Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East

“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East

Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors

Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain … Continue reading Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors

AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack

“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack

Trump frantically seeks new high after ordering all Sharpies be removed from the White House

We’ve all seen the president sniffling and rubbing his nose, but we now know his drug-of-choice was actually marker huffing, not cocaine. Yesterday, after Trump held up an inaccurate, Sharpie-altered map of Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory, countless Sharpie memes mocking the … Continue reading Trump frantically seeks new high after ordering all Sharpies be removed from the White House

25 grocery store chains ban open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food

With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat … Continue reading 25 grocery store chains ban open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food

Americans who wanted fresh, new faces in office laugh as what’s-his-name ends presidential bid

Most Americans are sharing a collective laugh, yet again, as another no-name candidate has exited the field of 2020 presidential candidates. What do you think? Brenton Ridgewater, 39, stay-at-home son Janice Jenkins, 41, life coach in training Gerald Higgins, 81, … Continue reading Americans who wanted fresh, new faces in office laugh as what’s-his-name ends presidential bid

Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders

Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders. Continue reading Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders