“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
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Local Priest Hopes Replacing Incense with Marijuana Goes Over Well
“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.”
Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
China Bans Heterosexual Sex Over Population Concerns
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.
Frustrated Waldo From ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Books Just Wants to Jerk Off in Peace
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
Disgusting Lactose Intolerant People Emit the Same Amount of Methane as Dairy Cows
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung
Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
Mueller Report Says President Trump has a Severe Flatulence Problem
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
Walmart Implants Elderly Greeters With Robotic Parts
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
Joe Biden Caught on Tape Saying “Punch Her in the Taco”
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase.
Pope Francis Demands Every Dirty Detail on Sexual Abuse for His Adult Fantasy Novel
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.”
Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
Democrats to Occupy Wisconsin Until 2020 Election
“Milwaukee should brace itself for about 700 campaign rallies in the next 603 days.” – Gov. Tony Evers
Leaked! White House Security Briefing Shows Insanity in Trump Administration
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
Prego Under Fire for New Afterbirth-Style Pasta Sauce
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Trump is Building a ‘Golden, Mansion-Style Prison’
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
Trump: “We All Know I Would Never Kiss a Black Woman”
“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.”
President Trump Announces Massive 4th of July Celebration for Liberals
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”
Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
Trump to Declare National Emergency & Melt Down Statue of Liberty on Friday
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
