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celebrities
23andMe Discovers Gary Busey & Boris Johnson Are Trump’s Brothers
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
Sarah McLachlan Passes The Curse of The Arms of The Angel on to Maelyn Jarmon Live on The Voice
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.
Kim Kardashian Sues Jack in the Box Over Explosive Diarrhea
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is Finally PC Enough to Film After 13 Years of Rewrites
“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.
Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
China Bans Heterosexual Sex Over Population Concerns
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.
Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
Elon Musk & The Rock Are Costarring in an Adult Film
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face
“I have never seen that much blood.”