Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis and proceeded to cough all over her employees. “If we all have it, then we can all continue working,” Ellen smiled before coughing directly on her assistant’s face. “And this way everyone on my team gets to keep receiving paychecks. It’s a win, win!” The TV host and comedian then grabbed a traffic cone prop and began shouting through it at everyone in the studio. “I feel just like Oprah!” DeGeneres laughed before coughing one-by-one into individual employee’s faces through the cone while shouting “You get COVID! (cough) You get COVID! (cough) Everyone gets COVID! (cough, cough cough).” As of press time, at least 17 lawsuits have been filed against DeGeneres. Photo credit Toglenn
The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate will also include Steve Wilkos as security between the chaotic, belligerent Trump and the increasingly fed-up Joe Biden. “If need be, we’ll let them get a few jabs in. Let ’em throw a couple of punches before we have Steve separate the two,” Springer stated. “We’ll have appropriate waivers signed and medics on standby in case one of these geriatrics tries to kick the bucket in the process.” Notably, the Commission on Presidential Debates also admitted today that this was essentially their “last ditch effort to fix everything that went wrong” in the first debate. “We’re really out of ideas, so at least this way things seem to actually make some sort of sense. If you can’t get them under control, just let them be out of control in the appropriate setting,” commission Co-Chair Deanne Reeder stated. “Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos are the perfect people to handle what is sure to be yet another national embarrassment.” Photo Credit Justin Hoch, Luigi Novi
Ben Roethlisberger and Sean Spicer will team up for the foreseeable future as partners on Dancing With the Stars. The two will be the first same-sex couple to hit the dance floor in 27 seasons. Despite the incredible height and strength difference, Roethlisberger will be taking on the traditionally female roles for all dance forms and styles as part of the his contract negotiations. Photo credits Gage Skidmore, Jeffrey Beall
ABC’s Dancing With The Stars announced today that they’ve cast of all 290 people who’ve left the Trump administration to fill the talent slots for the show’s next 24 seasons.
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.