The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite the fact that former president Donald Trump only worsened the ongoing border situation. “The Statue of Liberty says ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’” Senator Cruz stated. “And that’s what we’re asking for – we’re asking for that until we get enough funding to send them back to their poverty-stricken, politically-unstable, violent, shithole countries.”
In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
President Joe Biden signed an executive order today freeing up funding to build a massive moving walkway that will carry immigrants across the Mexico-United States border and into McAllen, Texas. Construction on the 112.7 mile long, $4.8 billion walkway will begin next month. “Often times caravans of people have walked hundreds or even thousands of miles just to enter the United States,” Biden stated. “By building this oversized people-mover, we’ll be helping immigrants to take those last few steps to freedom. In fact, now they’re going to just glide right in!” Notably, to save on construction costs, a large portion of the moving walkway will be made out of materials from the border wall, which Biden has slated to be completely dismantled by the end of the year. “It’s time we started building bridges instead of barriers and walkways instead of walls,” Biden stated. “And that’s why every single person who enters the country on this oversized conveyor belt will be granted full citizenship.” According to engineers working on the project, once completed the new moving walkway will be capable of carrying more than 1,800 immigrants per hour directly into McAllen, Texas.
(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. An initial order of 200,000 DJI Phantom 4 Quadcopters has already been placed. The number of drones means there will be one surveillance device stationed every 150 feet along the border. The drones will be remotely controlled by thousands of undocumented immigrant children whose cages have already been transported and placed into position. The drones themselves are equipped with water canons that will squirt at approaching Canadians to shoo them away.
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was referring to this gigantic structure,” Governor Michelle Grisham stated. “Only an eighth of the wall actually butts up against Mexico, the rest goes all the way around the state of New Mexico.” Grisham says the wall doesn’t pose a problem as it won’t prevent people from crossing; however, she would like all of her Hispanic residents to be released from the accompanying, newly-constructed prisons.
The Department of Justice’s annual white elephant gift exchange went horribly wrong this year when packages full of white supremacist paraphernalia arrived at the gathering. Attorney General William Barr says the error was an honest mistake. “Its pretty cut and dry. The memo said ‘white elephant’ I thought it said something else,” Attorney General Barr stated. “So I gathered up some items from my desk and around the office and sent it over.” Barr says that, in his defense, most of his friends and coworkers would have loved the gifts.
“The words on that statue are welcoming to criminals and lowlifes.”