(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. An initial order of 200,000 DJI Phantom 4 Quadcopters has already been placed. The number of drones means there will be one surveillance device stationed every 150 feet along the border. The drones will be remotely controlled by thousands of undocumented immigrant children whose cages have already been transported and placed into position. The drones themselves are equipped with water canons that will squirt at approaching Canadians to shoo them away.
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was referring to this gigantic structure,” Governor Michelle Grisham stated. “Only an eighth of the wall actually butts up against Mexico, the rest goes all the way around the state of New Mexico.” Grisham says the wall doesn’t pose a problem as it won’t prevent people from crossing; however, she would like all of her Hispanic residents to be released from the accompanying, newly-constructed prisons.
The Department of Justice’s annual white elephant gift exchange went horribly wrong this year when packages full of white supremacist paraphernalia arrived at the gathering. Attorney General William Barr says the error was an honest mistake. “Its pretty cut and dry. The memo said ‘white elephant’ I thought it said something else,” Attorney General Barr stated. “So I gathered up some items from my desk and around the office and sent it over.” Barr says that, in his defense, most of his friends and coworkers would have loved the gifts.
“The words on that statue are welcoming to criminals and lowlifes.”
Disney’s remake of Home Alone, entitled ‘Home Alone: Siempre,’ will feature all Latino actors and a modern plot twist in which Kevin’s parents are taken by racist ICE agents who call themselves “The Wetback Bandits.” Kevin’s parents are deported to Iraq for some fucking reason – even though they’re American citizens – and Kevin is left home alone forever. Home Alone: Siempre is based on a true story and rated R for racism. Support the Author
“The swirling rumors say that Melania refused to return to the White House for two weeks.”
“There’s no room for every musky man to lie down on the concrete, so they have to get creative with the cuddling. It just looks like a great experience.” – Mike Pence