With countless stay-at-home orders and company shutdowns across the country, many people are being hit hard in the wallet, but president Trump says it’s especially hard for men. “Men are losing the most,” president Trump told journalists in an address on the White House lawn. “For every $1 lost by a man, only 79¢ is lost by their female counterpart. It’s unfair. Totally unfair.” President Trump says he’s asking Congress to pass a bill that helps the highest paid group with the most to lose: straight white men. “So prepare for some bailouts of large corporations who will be required to give their CEOs bonuses and raises to re-tip the scales and make everything as it should be again,” Trump stated. “As always, I will do anything for my people folks. I will protect the true Americans.” Advertisements
In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating will be allowed,” President Frank-Walter Steinmeier confirmed. The move has both raised suspicions and sparked outrage in the global community. What do you think?
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours a day, nodded off several times before slipping in to a deep REM sleep – all while standing. He then fell asleep again during his speech. “Ben Carson was not being impolite,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “He simply needs his sleep in order to perform his job at an optimal level.” Meanwhile, those on the left have expressed concern that Carson may not know what’s going on if he’s only awake for – at most – 2 hours a day. “Although he is a brain surgeon whose operations would typically span several days, Mr. Carson is clearly not prepared or in touch with reality as he spends 95% of his time dreaming,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated.
(Philadelphia, PA) Former Vice President Joe Biden gave an incoherent, rambling speech at a rally this afternoon in front of a small, perplexed crowd. At one point during the speech Biden spent several minutes talking about “the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy.” “I got this old buddy Dan,” Biden grinned. “And Dan was a funny guy. A shithead, but a real fun shithead. You know? Anyways, Dan and I are talking and we’re talking about how you can’t compare apples and oranges, but what about bananas and plantains?” Biden then paused for 15 seconds. Staring blankly at the visibly confused crowd. “No really! I mean it!” Biden shouted, snapping out of his trance and continuing his story. “Anyway, Dan was disappointed when he found the beach to be so sandy and the sun so sunny,” Biden continued. “So we decide to go inside to the hotel room, but we hit the wrong elevator button and end up on the roof. So Dan says to me he says, ‘Before I moved to the inner city, I always believed that security complexes were psychological’. Then Dan turns around, walks right up to a cloud in the sky – because we’re on the roof, remember – and Dan just starts eating the clouds like cotton candy. What a shithead.” As of press time, members from Joe Biden’s campaign had already defended Biden’s story on various news channels, calling the former vice president a “very stable genius.”
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.
Presidential candidate Tom Steyer took the stage with Marilyn Manson in South Carolina today, just a day after white-boy twerking on stage with Juvenile to ‘Back That Ass Up’. Notably, Steyer sang the chorus to Manson’s chart-topping song ‘This is The New Shit’ which goes like this: Babble babble bitch bitchRebel rebel party partySex sex sex and don’t forget the violenceBlah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonelyStick your stupid slogan inEverybody sing along Steyer, who also came out wearing dark eyeliner like Manson, says that the alternative metal performance was all a part of his plan for reaching the younger voting demographic.