An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to as the “Stimulus Only Redeemable if Representatives said Yes” – or the S.O.R.R.Y. rule. – and will leave all registered Republicans in the United States without much-needed funds in the face of economic turmoil brought on by the coronavirus pandemic.
A change of plans for Qanon believers took place today after the group claimed that black smoke rose from the Capitol building’s chimney, indicating that a new president wouldn’t be inaugurated on this day. The group’s anonymous leader – ‘Q’ – wrote online that Trump’s March 4th inauguration was postponed until April 1st “due to threats of violence by Antifa at the Capitol again.” “We’ll see white smoke rise from that chimney on April 1st meaning Mr. Trump will be inaugurated,” the Qanon leader wrote in an online statement. “We just couldn’t do it today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen next time. Stay strong!” As of press time almost nobody knew what the fuck ‘Q’ was talking about as the Capitol building doesn’t even have a chimney. Meanwhile, Qanon believers were marking their calendars for April Fools’ Day with feverish anticipation of Trump’s second term. Photo Credit (mod) EEBS27
During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”
In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
House Republicans have agreed to a proposal by representative Matt Gaetz’s (R-FL) requiring that every committee meeting start by singing the National Anthem 3 times and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance 10 times in a row. The move comes despite the fact that the entire House of Representatives already recites the Pledge of Allegiance at the beginning of each day’s session. “If Democrats aren’t willing to join us, then I think it makes it pretty clear where they stand. They are Antifa, socialist-communists who hate America,” Gaetz stated before hugging, kissing and then gently humping the American flag. “The pledge and anthem are two of the greatest weapons given to true patriots in their battle against evil. So I just don’t understand why Democrats can’t say these simple, virtuous words signaling dedication, faith and allegiance to our great flag and nation. This is – without a doubt – far worse than inciting a so-called insurrection.” In response to Republican outcry, Democrats released a statement that read: “We already say the pledge at the beginning of the day. What representative Gaetz is suggesting is pure performative bullshit. So if the Republicans want to waste 15 minutes of every meeting – amounting to hundreds of millions of wasted taxpayer dollars throughout the course of a year – us Democrats will be spending that time doing real work for the American corporations people.”
Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. “We’ve been trying to fix our economy for what seems like forever,” Maduro stated. “I saw the news and I decided to roll the dice.” Indeed, Venezuela has been hit incredibly hard in the past years with political corruption, unemployment, shortages of food and medicine, human rights violations, and the closure of countless companies. “I put the last of our money in and got nine shares of GameStop,” Maduro stated. “Some people might say it’s stupid to risk money when you don’t really have any, but at this point who really cares? A la luna. ¡Vamanos!”