“Donald J. Trump is up for Best Performance in a Comedy Series that lasts for one term or less.”
The president cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage.
“The swirling rumors say that Melania refused to return to the White House for two weeks.”
“There’s no room for every musky man to lie down on the concrete, so they have to get creative with the cuddling. It just looks like a great experience.” – Mike Pence
Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts.
“An investigation will show Melania’s knockers were implanted by the Russians to spy on our great nation.”
“I can’t express enough how grateful I am that this isn’t happening to me or my family.” – U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-IA)
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted.
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders.
Get rid of your twenty dollar bills before it’s too late! The U.S. Treasury Department says it will be taking the value of a $20 bill down to zero.
“America can’t take the tired, poor, huddled masses in without somewhere to put ’em.”
Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option.
“There’s no better way to seem interesting than with a story about the time you were held at gunpoint by the East Harlem crew for wearing the wrong color romper.”
President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday by getting a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on his right butt cheek.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
McConnell is being investigated by the US. Senate Ethics Committee for spending $127,000 on a new heat lamp system and gigantic basking rocks in his office.
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.”
“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”
Republicans now agree that the President has committed an impeachable offense.
“I’m running because I have a very particular set of skills,” the 7-foot tall former FBI Director bellowed. “Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you, Mr. Trump.”
“Shaving your head for political reasons is the result of having idiots for parents. There’s a difference and it matters.”
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.