Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore Advertisements
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the president admits that he’s keeping as many Americans infected as possible so that they can be deployed overseas at a moment’s notice should war break out. “If everyone could just shut up already about the Chinese virus that would be great. I can’t secretly amass a human stockpile if everyone won’t keep their traps shut about what we’re doing here,” Trump stated. “This is why we need to stop doing testing, stop wearing masks, and stop reporting on this altogether. From here on out let’s all agree to stop ruining my strategic military plan which will make our great nation’s military even greater, again.” Minutes later, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was already in front of news cameras telling reporters that the president was only kidding.
It was revealed today by Donald Trump’s niece Mary that the president cheated on his SATs by having someone else take the exam for him. The White House has admitted to the allegation and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany provided an odd explanation. “Bone spurs, which are a painful bony projections associated with osteoarthritis, can hurt nearby nerves and cause excruciating pain. Mr. Trump’s bone spurs just so happen to be in his buttocks somewhat near his coccyx,” McEnany told reporters. “Because of this, the president cannot sit for long periods of time. Sometimes he can’t sit at all, which is part of the reason for the diapers. So you can imagine why he couldn’t sit there for a three hour test. “
When asked again today by reporters why he wouldn’t set a good example for the country by wearing a mask, president Trump angered many with his response. “I’m tired of the mask question. You know who should really be wearing a mask? Ugly women,” Trump stated. “Cover up those dog faces, use a paper bag for all I care. Okay? I don’t care how you do it, just cover it up.” NPR reporter Amanda Jackson fired back with a follow up question, asking “But Mr. president, you’re morbidly obese and unnaturally orange, so by your standards shouldn’t you be wearing a mask too?” Visibly upset, Trump made a dismissive hand gesture toward Jackson, said he wouldn’t be taking any more questions, and walked away from the podium. Moments later White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gave a statement defending the president. “Mr. Trump is rightfully upset with and tired of the mask questions. Wearing a mask is a personal choice that the president makes for himself on a daily basis,” McEnany stated. “Having said that, the president was just being facetious when he said only certain women should be wearing a mask. So grow up, it was a joke.” Shortly thereafter Trump contradicted McEnany and doubled down by tweeting out: As of press time the United States was still ranked the worst at dealing with COVID-19 among first world countries, but experts point out that this is to be expected considering the country is on day 1,264 of having no leadership. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main character’s face and they are unable to remove it. “Ever since reading this Goosebumps book back in 1993, Mr. Trump hasn’t been comfortable putting any sort of mask on his face as he is terrified that it will become permanently attached,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “I think we all need to respect the president and not mock him for his fear.” McEnany also noted something that might explain Trump’s skin color. “The president covers himself in Goo Gone – America’s number one adhesive remover – every morning to ensure that nothing can become stuck to his body. You might think it’s funny, but so far it’s worked.”
In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the accusations. “What does it really matter at this point? There are too many strings attached to America’s so-called leader,” Putin stated. “that orange puppet won’t do shit.” When reached for a statement, the Trump administration said that it “will be responding to Putin’s shocking claims just as soon as Russia provides the official talking points.”
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.