Senator Marco Rubio sent out an angry tweet today in which he flip-flopped the description of Marxism with that of capitalism. “Marxism divides people into oppressors or victims…” Rubio wrote. “Those in charge of the system then seize complete power and claim that there is fairness.” When asked by reporters to clarify what he meant, the flustered Florida senator was out of answers. “You know. I don’t know! Maybe I meant socialism! Or democratic socialism!?” a red-faced Rubio shouted. “I don’t know exactly what Marxism is. All I know is that it’s all bad and it’s scary and the Democrats are coming to take your freedom!” As of press time Rubio was briefly contemplating Googling ‘What is Marxism?’ but instead opted to go cherry pick a hypocritical Bible verse to tweet out on Sunday. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue today. “Look. I love God, Jesus and the Church. But they’re not going to phase me by taking my magical cracker privileges away. No I mean it!” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s no skin off my back. I’ll just bring some Wheat Thins. Hell they taste better anyway, and there’s all of those great flavors!” Biden then went on to list the varieties of Wheat Thins that he likes. “Of course I could bring the good old Original flavor or maybe the healthier Reduced Fat. Then there’s the extra big ones for when you’re really hungry or the delicious Sundried Tomato & Basil if you’re looking for a punch in the mouth,” Biden grinned. “Sometimes I just might bring that savory Ranch and maybe even the subtle Hint of Salt. Finally, there’s the hearty Multigrain for when I’m watching my weight, and the zesty Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil for when this cracker really wants to mix it up. And you know what? Unlike the Church I’m willing to share with everyone around me. I’ll even place them right on your tongue. That’s just the kind of guy I am!” Orig. Wheat Thins photo credit Mike Mozart
The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision. “Today, the Supreme Court cast the correct and righteous vote,” the statement read. “Gay couples are 7.5 times more likely to adopt than their straight counterparts. By allowing these immoral, gay couples to adopt kids, we would be significantly decreasing the pool of children that the clergy can molest. The Church deserves to keep its longstanding tradition of pedophilia alive by claiming some of the kids for itself.”
Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL) was ticketed for the fourth time yesterday by Fort Walton Beach Police for repeatedly driving back and forth in front of a high school at 10 to 15 miles per hour below the speed limit. Authorities say he was driving too slowly and seemed “very distracted” by the students who were leaving at the end of the school day. “It’s illegal in Florida to go more than 10 miles per hour under the speed limit,” officer John Samuels stated. “Mr. Gaetz was driving around 2 miles per hour in a 15 and he was holding up traffic. He also appeared to be yelling something about Venmo at some of the girls.” A representative from the high school who is familiar with Gaetz’s says he has a habit of driving past the school over and over again. “He doesn’t even have children and yet he still cares enough to slow down and really, really look for kids,” the representative stated. “Sometimes he’ll even get in the line with the rest of the parents to try pick up students and offer rides. Such a nice guy!” When reached for comment, Gaetz told reporters that he was not a scoping out the high schoolers, but rather just being a careful driver who is “absolutely not a pedophile.” “Statistics say that about one in three people live next to a pedophile; however I think that’s a lie because I just live next to two stunning 17-year-olds.” As of press time Gaetz’s lawyer was explaining to him why he couldn’t fight the ticket by telling a judge that he was “just picking up his girlfriend.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
Bewildered by their political counterparts, Senate Democrats voted today to form a new commission that will hopefully help them to understand exactly how Republicans are able to live with themselves. Referred to as the F.A.C.T.S. Commission – short for Finding Acceptance for Conservatives and Their Scandals – Democrats say the new agency will take on one issue at a time in order to “try to learn how Republicans can even sleep at night.” According to Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, the first order of business for the new commission will be understanding how Republicans can morally justify not wanting to investigate the January 6th Capitol insurrection. When reached for comment on the new commission, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he was “not a fan of F.A.C.T.S.” “As far as the Republican Party is concerned there’s absolutely no place for F.A.C.T.S. on the Senate floor,” McConnell mumbled. “It will be a cold day in hell when we let things like F.A.C.T.S. distract us from our agenda.” As of press time McConnell was forming his own commission to counter F.A.C.T.S. called the Commission On Vindicating Every Republican Upholding Peace, or C.O.V.E.R.U.P. Photo credit Kimberly Vardeman
Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was seen hypnotizing fellow Republicans on the Senate floor today with the clear goal of making them feel okay with voting ‘no’ on the January 6th commission. “Voting against the Capitol insurrection investigation in no way implies that Republicans are admitting guilt – or trying to cover up anything,” McConnell uttered into a microphone before pulling out a pocket watch on a chain. Now that he had everyone’s attention, McConnell began the hypnosis by slowly swinging the watch back and forth. “You’re getting sleepy. Very sleepy,” McConnell mumbled. “I want you to close your eyes and I’m going to count backward from ten. When I snap my fingers you will find yourself in a deep state of relaxation; like when you hear that an inmate on death row was killed, or how it feels to rest your head on a My Pillow at night.” McConnell counted down and then snapped his fingers; leaving the Senators in a trance. “Now, repeat after me,” McConnell muttered. “Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything.” Their voices echoed throughout the Senate chamber. After nearly 15 minutes of chanting, McConnell released the Senators from the hypnosis by whispering “They’re coming for your guns” – causing every Republican in the room to snap back to their skewed version of reality.
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is facing up to 5 years in jail for tax evasion after telling reporters today that he had “already paid taxes once before, so why would I pay them again?” When pressed for more information, Paul starting arguing that he has “immunity from any and all charges” because of the fact that he paid taxes in 1981 when he was audited. “I got hit by the IRS back when I was 18 for not paying taxes and I thought that was it,” Paul stated. “You know. A one and done kind of situation.” Authorities have already started removing furniture from Paul’s home and are garnishing the Senator’s wages, including money he received from a settlement after his neighbor understandably kicked his ass. As of press time Rand Paul was still only the second worst Senator from Kentucky after Mitch McConnell.