Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m an energetic bisexual who’s in an open relationship with my husband, my life partner Barb, and anyone out there who’s interested.” When reached for comment, Warren’s husband Bruce said he has “No idea what Elizabeth is talking about.” Advertisements
A new, controversial advertisement by Elizabeth Warren’s presidential campaign was released today and people are shocked. The ad, which focuses on the Senator admitting to a sexual affair with a 24-year old Marine, combines a patriotic tone with a confusing message. In total, the 30-second spot includes a brief admission of the affair while God Bless America plays in the background. As the song reaches crescendo, a lit-up Warren proclaims “I’m Elizabeth Warren and I let a United States Marine go down on me… for America!” Vocal critics of Warren who demanded that the Senator end her campaign over the affair were silenced by being reminded of Stormy Daniels.
After experiencing discomfort in his chest last night, Senator Bernie Sanders went ahead and shouted at a blockage in his arteries until it cleared and his blood pressure returned to normal. “I’m not going to sit here and let 1% of my body shut down the other 99%,” Sanders confirmed. Unlike with their typical patients, doctors are recommending that the Senator continue with the loud, guttural shouting to keep his blood pumping regularly. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!”
President Trump left a depressing tweet up for nearly an hour before deleting it and tweeting out that “SAD” stands for “syked and determined.”
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r