Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Columbia, SC – Senator Lindsey Graham says the only reason he’s conservative is because he gets “incredibly hot” when he hears fellow right-wingers mock, belittle, and dehumanize homosexuals such as himself. Graham claims this is who he is at his core and that it would be great if liberals could hate him for it too, because that also gets him off. “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat or a Republican, just tell me I’m a worthless piece of shit,” Graham smiled. “And please do not hesitate to show contempt for my sexuality by calling me a woman, because deep down I’m a depraved, self-loathing sexist too.” Graham says the ultimate turn on – besides being called “Lady G” on Twitter – would be if Republicans could find a way to ban same-sex marriage once again. “Trump has already taken rights away from the transgenders and I can’t wait to see him take it even further,” Graham moaned while rubbing his nipples. “If we could just wash as much equality away as possible that would really get my rocks off.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. Notably, the campaign materials in question have retained the ‘MAGA’ slogan, but repurposed the acronym to stand for “Make All the Gays go Away.” Return Home Take me to the MEMES!
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted.
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“Steve and Tim will hold hands, and sometimes even kiss,” laughed Earhardt.