The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.” Advertisements
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to have a dual-presidency,” Trump confirmed. “Can you believe it? They say it’s unprecedented folks. Unprecedented.” When asked how he plans to win over a 90% Muslim country, Trump said his treatment of women and dislike of transgendered people would form a solid foundation to work from.
In a measured, peaceful, yet offensive response to attacks on US troops in Iraq, president Trump ordered the Air Force to drop over a billion tons of bacon dust over Iran’s capital city of Tehran. “With pork being the only meat that absolutely may not be consumed by Muslims, we’ve made certain that everyone in that city has inhaled or ingested the crispy pig dust,” president Trump grinned. Photo credit Kevin Stanchfield
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
The largest military force in the world is in shambles after trying and failing to make an 18 year war with “that ignorant slut Afghanistan” work. Clearly shaken, the US military finally came to grips with reality after longtime friend, The Washington Post, offered 2,000 heartfelt pages and 600 interviews proving what deep down the US military already knew: that useless whore Afghanistan would never truly be theirs. In total, the leader of the free world says it’s “lost over 2,300 American lives, killed off 150,000 civilians, and spent over $934 billion on that dumb bitch Afghanistan.” As of press time, the US military was already six drinks deep and loading up heat-seeking missiles in search of a rebound country.
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.
In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.”