Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Looking for something to do during the coronavirus pandemic, the town of Sherman Falls, Michigan threw a birthday parade for local resident and 103-year-old WWII veteran Hanz Richter today despite having no idea which side he fought on. Residents say they followed social distancing rules as a stream of cars, floats, and parade-goers went past Richter’s home. “We could very well be making a huge mistake right now,” Mayor David Douglas told a reporter before the start of the parade. “Nobody can confirm with one hundred percent certainty that Mr. Richter fought for the Allies during the war, but this town desperately needs something to do. We’re all going stir crazy here, so we’ll sort this out in a short while after he dies. Hopefully there isn’t an entire Nazi memorabilia collection in his attic.” As of press time, Richter was sitting on his porch with his German Shepherd Klaus, holding a Beretta Model 38A, and watching a stream of Americans come dangerously close to his property line.
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to have a dual-presidency,” Trump confirmed. “Can you believe it? They say it’s unprecedented folks. Unprecedented.” When asked how he plans to win over a 90% Muslim country, Trump said his treatment of women and dislike of transgendered people would form a solid foundation to work from.
In a measured, peaceful, yet offensive response to attacks on US troops in Iraq, president Trump ordered the Air Force to drop over a billion tons of bacon dust over Iran’s capital city of Tehran. “With pork being the only meat that absolutely may not be consumed by Muslims, we’ve made certain that everyone in that city has inhaled or ingested the crispy pig dust,” president Trump grinned. Photo credit Kevin Stanchfield
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?