Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know what the godless liberals think they’re doing out there protesting in the streets after telling everyone to stay home. There’s no such thing as racism nowadays,” Davies stated while noticing an approaching group. “All I can tell you is that this black family had better not set up right next to me on this pure white, pristine sand. Because of… umm you know… because of the coronavirus.” Unhappy with the family’s “proximity,” Davies then packed up her things while throwing a fit and called 9-1-1 to let police know that a group of black people had encroached on her personal space, making her fear for her safety. Advertisements
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. Around noon Eastern time a GoFundMe page was set up to raise money for the operation and within an hour the goal of $200,000 had already been surpassed; meaning that surgeons will be able to extract Rush Limbaugh from the tumor this coming Friday. Meanwhile, doctors say they are baffled by the situation as it is the first documented case of cancer getting cancer.
Republican Senators formed an orderly line today on the Senate floor in order to eat out president Trump’s asshole. The hour long tongue bath began right after the elected officials cast their votes to acquit the president of high crimes and misdemeanors; leaving constitutional scholars uncertain which was worse: the destruction of our democracy, or Trump’s intermittent farts and the inevitable resulting spread of pink eye.
Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor.
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”