Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter as the coronavirus waivers they agreed to included a quarantine clause from the CDC. “Those who weren’t smart enough to read the waiver will now be spending the next three weeks in quarantine,” CDC Director Robert Redfield confirmed. “So that’s everyone who has chosen to go inside the building.” Redfield says that they’ve made space at seven ICE detainment camps near the Texas-Mexico border and that “there’s plenty of hard, concrete floor for these illiterate people to spread out on.” “It’s already been made perfectly clear by Republican leadership that these ICE camps are safe and humane places,” Redfield stated. “So unless there’s any new, unforseen objection, that’s where these rally-goers will be staying.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know what the godless liberals think they’re doing out there protesting in the streets after telling everyone to stay home. There’s no such thing as racism nowadays,” Davies stated while noticing an approaching group. “All I can tell you is that this black family had better not set up right next to me on this pure white, pristine sand. Because of… umm you know… because of the coronavirus.” Unhappy with the family’s “proximity,” Davies then packed up her things while throwing a fit and called 9-1-1 to let police know that a group of black people had encroached on her personal space, making her fear for her safety.
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. Around noon Eastern time a GoFundMe page was set up to raise money for the operation and within an hour the goal of $200,000 had already been surpassed; meaning that surgeons will be able to extract Rush Limbaugh from the tumor this coming Friday. Meanwhile, doctors say they are baffled by the situation as it is the first documented case of cancer getting cancer.
Republican Senators formed an orderly line today on the Senate floor in order to eat out president Trump’s asshole. The hour long tongue bath began right after the elected officials cast their votes to acquit the president of high crimes and misdemeanors; leaving constitutional scholars uncertain which was worse: the destruction of our democracy, or Trump’s intermittent farts and the inevitable resulting spread of pink eye.
Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor.
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.