Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly. Advertisements
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #MAGA.
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. Notably, the campaign materials in question have retained the ‘MAGA’ slogan, but repurposed the acronym to stand for “Make All the Gays go Away.” Return Home Take me to the MEMES!
In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so unjust keeps happening over and over again – and to the same group of people – you simply can’t keep quiet anymore,” Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell stated. Speaker Nancy Pelosi also commented on the kneeling incident. “Republicans think that white lies don’t matter,” Pelosi stated. “The truth is that all lies matter, and we’ve caught the president in a big one.”
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey