The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite the fact that former president Donald Trump only worsened the ongoing border situation. “The Statue of Liberty says ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’” Senator Cruz stated. “And that’s what we’re asking for – we’re asking for that until we get enough funding to send them back to their poverty-stricken, politically-unstable, violent, shithole countries.”
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to as the “Stimulus Only Redeemable if Representatives said Yes” – or the S.O.R.R.Y. rule. – and will leave all registered Republicans in the United States without much-needed funds in the face of economic turmoil brought on by the coronavirus pandemic.
House Republicans have agreed to a proposal by representative Matt Gaetz’s (R-FL) requiring that every committee meeting start by singing the National Anthem 3 times and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance 10 times in a row. The move comes despite the fact that the entire House of Representatives already recites the Pledge of Allegiance at the beginning of each day’s session. “If Democrats aren’t willing to join us, then I think it makes it pretty clear where they stand. They are Antifa, socialist-communists who hate America,” Gaetz stated before hugging, kissing and then gently humping the American flag. “The pledge and anthem are two of the greatest weapons given to true patriots in their battle against evil. So I just don’t understand why Democrats can’t say these simple, virtuous words signaling dedication, faith and allegiance to our great flag and nation. This is – without a doubt – far worse than inciting a so-called insurrection.” In response to Republican outcry, Democrats released a statement that read: “We already say the pledge at the beginning of the day. What representative Gaetz is suggesting is pure performative bullshit. So if the Republicans want to waste 15 minutes of every meeting – amounting to hundreds of millions of wasted taxpayer dollars throughout the course of a year – us Democrats will be spending that time doing real work for the American corporations people.”
Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”
Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the senator said that he “began to feel threatened” stating that he “couldn’t handle the heat.” Experts explained what happened next. “As is a snowflake’s natural response to heat, the molecules that make up Paul’s body began moving faster, breaking the hydrogen bonds between them; causing the senator to melt and turn into water,” meteorologist Michael Duvall stated. “This allowed Paul to spread out in the cracks and camouflage himself among the other moist sludge and trash. After that, we assume Mr. Paul slowly seeped his way to a safe space.”
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at the Republican National Convention. In total, as many as 35 million Republicans are expected to be watching in their dark living rooms each night; their faces aglow from only the television light as they laugh deliriously like raving mad lunatics at their TV sets.
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.