Category: Republican
Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican
The very brave, former Democrat Krysten Sinema decided to admit to her colleagues today that she is, in fact, an independent. “This may come as a shock to some,” Sinema stated. “But I cannot be more honest when I say … Continue reading Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican
Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
Ventilators Removed From Patients & Burned As Republicans Declare Pandemic Over
Several Republican members of Congress declared today that the Covid pandemic – which has caused nearly 800,000 deaths in the United States – is now over. As the news spread throughout the country, countless right wing hospital workers started removing … Continue reading Ventilators Removed From Patients & Burned As Republicans Declare Pandemic Over
Most Fully-Vaccinated Americans Still Wearing Masks To Avoid Being Mistaken For A Republican
Fauci Warns ‘It’ll Be Harder To Spot The Assholes’ As Mask Mandates Are Lifted
Dr. Anthonoy Fauci released a statement today warning Americans that as mask mandates are lifted “it will become harder and harder to spot the assholes in a crowd.” “Watching people scream in public and refuse to wear masks will soon … Continue reading Fauci Warns ‘It’ll Be Harder To Spot The Assholes’ As Mask Mandates Are Lifted
Liz Cheney Sent To Re-Education Camp To Learn How To ‘Reject The Evidence Of Her Eyes & Ears’
After casting votes to oust Liz Cheney from her position of power today, House Republicans immediately voted to send the representative off to a new re-education camp for Republicans who won’t completely back Donald Trump. Notably, the camp is run … Continue reading Liz Cheney Sent To Re-Education Camp To Learn How To ‘Reject The Evidence Of Her Eyes & Ears’
Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’
While talking to reporters outside of the United States Capitol today, House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy told journalists that he would appreciate it if they would refer to members of the Republican party as ‘QAnon’ from here on out. “As … Continue reading Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’
Republicans Call For Humane Treatment Of Kids In Cages, Provided They’re Sent Back To ‘Shithole’ Countries They Came From
The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite … Continue reading Republicans Call For Humane Treatment Of Kids In Cages, Provided They’re Sent Back To ‘Shithole’ Countries They Came From
$1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to … Continue reading $1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks
House Republicans To Recite 10 Pledge Of Allegiances & Sing 3 National Anthems Before Every Meeting
House Republicans have agreed to a proposal by representative Matt Gaetz’s (R-FL) requiring that every committee meeting start by singing the National Anthem 3 times and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance 10 times in a row. The move comes … Continue reading House Republicans To Recite 10 Pledge Of Allegiances & Sing 3 National Anthems Before Every Meeting
Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID
Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise … Continue reading Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID
Rand Paul Escapes Protesters By Melting Into a Puddle
Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the … Continue reading Rand Paul Escapes Protesters By Melting Into a Puddle
Conservatives Looking Forward to Cackling Maniacally At Their TV Sets During the RNC
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at … Continue reading Conservatives Looking Forward to Cackling Maniacally At Their TV Sets During the RNC
Republicans Use Egotistical Lunatic to Help Reelect Egotistical Lunatic
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental … Continue reading Republicans Use Egotistical Lunatic to Help Reelect Egotistical Lunatic
CDC to Quarantine Tulsa Rally-Goers Immediately After Trump Finishes His Speech
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter … Continue reading CDC to Quarantine Tulsa Rally-Goers Immediately After Trump Finishes His Speech
Patriot Criticizes Protests During Pandemic While Lounging on a Crowded Beach
Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know … Continue reading Patriot Criticizes Protests During Pandemic While Lounging on a Crowded Beach
GoFundMe Raises Over $200,000 to Remove Malignant Rush Limbaugh From Lung Tumor
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. … Continue reading GoFundMe Raises Over $200,000 to Remove Malignant Rush Limbaugh From Lung Tumor