Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics

In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July. Continue reading Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics

Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet

“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.” Continue reading Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet

Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized

Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces. Continue reading Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized

Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo

Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.” Continue reading Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo

Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film

“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.” Continue reading Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film

Frustrated Waldo From ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Books Just Wants to Jerk Off in Peace

Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out. Continue reading Frustrated Waldo From ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Books Just Wants to Jerk Off in Peace

Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution

Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans. Continue reading Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution

Mueller Report Says President Trump has a Severe Flatulence Problem

“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.” Continue reading Mueller Report Says President Trump has a Severe Flatulence Problem

Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day

“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day

Victoria’s Secret: Cube-Shaped Bras and Breasts Are ‘Trend of The Future’

“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer Continue reading Victoria’s Secret: Cube-Shaped Bras and Breasts Are ‘Trend of The Future’

Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones

“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO Continue reading Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones