In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans.
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.”
“If enough of us do it, they can’t catch us all.”
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States.
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross