Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another hasty, last ditch effort to lose the election. “You’re gonna want to eat the whole box. Some people say two boxes to make sure you really kill the virus,” Trump told the cheering crowd. “You’ll feel worse at first, but shortly thereafter you won’t feel anything at all.” After leaving the stage the president told reporters from CNN and MSNBC what he was really doing, knowing that his supporters wouldn’t believe the news outlets’ footage of him anyway. “Man it feels really good to finally say this out loud: I’m absolutely sick and tired of being president. I don’t want to do it anymore. What in the fuck is wrong with these people?” Trump stated while motioning toward the crowd. “I’ve been trying to hand this thing to Biden for months and it still looks like I might win. What the fuck do I have to say or do to throw this election?” Indeed, Trump’s frustration is warranted as his supporters don’t seem to care that people are dying from COVID-19, that he wouldn’t set an example by wearing a mask for months on end, or that he had recommended that people take deadly drugs. “These morons entertained the idea of injecting or drinking disinfectants. I told them to try the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine and then I upped the ante by suggesting the use of oleandrin – a poisonous extract that kills,” a visibly saddened Trump stated. “At this point my life has become a sad, sad joke. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’m in hell.” As of Sunday night the president said he had too much pride to just quit the race. Instead, he was strongly considering actually shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue to see if that would make him lose votes.
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland
Conservative Christian Michael Dobbins of San Diego, California says he made the conscious decision years ago not to care about any political issues that don’t impact him or his closest family members until he absolutely has to. Dobbins says that so far he’s been able to avoid caring about the struggles of others for 37 years. “I’m not interested in wearing a mask, advocating for gay rights, or speaking out against police brutality – for example – because nobody I know has gotten COVID, nobody I know is gay, and nobody I know has ever been beaten by the police,” Dobbins stated while adjusting his W.W.J.D. bracelet. “I’ll care about things like climate change when they pollute the lake I live by or the land I own, but until it happens to me, who cares?” Dobbins continued by pointing out other famous conservatives who operate in the same way. “One of my personal heroes is Dick Cheney, who only accepted gay people after his daughter came out,” Dobbins stated. “Another is Nancy Reagan who only supported stem cell research once her husband needed treatment for Alzheimer’s.” Dobbins concluded by emphasizing that many people have this mindset. “I don’t know why this is surprising to anyone because this has been the conservative platform for years,” Dobbins stated. “It just takes a lot less energy out of you when you don’t have to think or care about others.”
Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being woefully unprepared for what a class action lawsuit is now calling “life-threatening levels of spiciness.” Key offenders on the Goya product line included Adobo all-purpose seasoning, dry chiles, canned jalapeño peppers, Authentic Latino Seasoning Mix, and all of the company’s hot sauces and salsas. Lawyers representing the plaintiffs say that it’s an unfortunate situation, but Goya needs to pay the price for their unsafe products. “When Goya sells its products, they’re not selling the best. They’re selling products that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to our grocery aisles and into our homes,” a statement from the lawyers read. “They’re bringing death. The spices rape your throat, and some of them, I assume, are good products.” As of Friday countless conservatives have reported near-death experiences and prosecutors are pushing for all Goya products to either be removed from stores, or be given prominent warning labels for when white people are feeling adventurous in the Hispanic Foods aisle.
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
Today, conservatives across the country gathered to remember the time in 1955 that civil rights hero Rosa Parks boarded an Alabama bus with an AR-15 and a confederate flag while visibly sick with the whooping cough. “Miss Parks was the first person with the guts to stand up and say, ‘I don’t care whether or not I’m sick, fuck you guys, I’m riding the goddamned bus!’” White House economic advisor Stephen Moore stated. “What we are seeing today is no different.” Indeed, from coast to coast countless mentally – and likely physically – sick Americans rallied together in direct defiance of medical experts and official state government orders to stay at home and practice social distancing. “The people we are seeing outside during this pandemic are the civil rights leaders of today. Like Rosa Parks, they would rather be arrested than willingly surrender their rights and liberties,” Moore stated. “I’m certain that their bravery will lead to a nationwide change as their defiance is already contagious. You can’t deny that something is spreading here in America.”