Reports of an extreme uptick in unruly behavior by conservative passengers has prompted Spirit Airlines to announce that they are now supplying crew members with tasers. “In an average year, there are around 100 to 150 cases of bad passenger behavior,” Spirit Airlines CEO Edward Christie stated. “However, since the start of this 2021, that number has shot up to over 2,500, with 1,900 of which being right wing passengers who refused to comply with the federal mask mandate.” Christie continued. “It’s become quite clear that we’ve given passengers far too much leeway while they are aboard our planes.” Christie stated. “To empower our employees, we’ve added fine print to all tickets clearly stating that Spirit Airlines workers have the right to tase passengers – at any time – mercilessly and without warning.” “If you refuse to wear a mask, you get tased,” Christie stated. “If you’re talking or not paying attention during the pre-flight safety briefing? Tased. Get out of your seat when the seatbelt sign is still lit up? Tased. Raising your voice? Tased. So much as look at us wrong. Tased.” Christie says Spirit Airlines estimates that they will make an additional $750 million in revenue from the new rule, as anyone who is tased will be required to pay a $5,000 fine per shock. Photo credit Marco Verch
Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted 57 minutes, included eight words, and featured uncomfortable segments of crying and screaming. Beck’s actions come in response to the announcement that six Seuss books will no longer be published because they portray people in a harmful way; causing him to complain about cancel culture before getting weepy and nostalgic. “One Fish,” Beck began before immediately bawling for twelve minutes. “Two fish,” Beck howled and then blubbered on for another several minutes. “Red Fish,” Beck lamented before blowing his nose and then asking for more tissues; having already gone through an entire box. “Blue Fish,” Beck concluded with a moan just seconds before the end of the show. The theme music then cut in and played with the sounds of Beck’s weeping and wailing still audible in the background. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Authorities confirmed today that Marjorie Taylor Greene – an armed, hostile and mentally unstable woman that has been terrorizing congressional colleagues – is actually an escaped psych ward patient named Karen Lynn McConnell. Reportedly the estranged sister of Senator Mitch McConnell, the congresswoman was taken into custody this morning for questioning before being heavily medicated and returned to Eastern State Hospital in Kentucky. As of press time, law enforcement was still searching for Karen Lynn McConnell’s missing roommate Lauren Boebert who authorities say is “also a grave danger to society that could very well be hiding in plain sight.”
Having already claimed that school shootings like Sandy Hook and Parkland we’re false flag operations and that 9/11 was an inside job, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene stated in a press conference today that “not only is Bigfoot real, but he’s an alien that came to earth because he was attracted by chemtrails.” “On any given day you can look up in the sky and see chemtrails shooting out the backs of airplanes. There’s no other scientific explanation for them. And it’s these very chemicals that attracted Bigfoot to our planet in the first place.” a wide-eyed Green stated. “On top of this, there have been more than 2,300 Bigfoot sightings in Washington state alone. Let that sink in.” Greene added that she’s “confident Bigfoot is blurry in real life,” stating that “all you have to do is look at the mountains of photographic evidence and you’ll see that every single photo is fuzzy or unclear.” As of press time Republicans in Congress had released a brief statement which read: “Although many of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s stances are out of the norm, she would have to say or do something far worse in order to be considered unfit for office – such as receiving oral sex from an intern.”
Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters are the ones who actually care about the United States! Not cucks like you. You dirty, purple-haired hippies probably don’t even know what a shower is! Ha! Well I’m trying to get all of my shower time in before the commie socialists start rationing food and water – which obviously would include beans and bathing. Besides, could a snowflake even handle listening to Y.M.C.A. on repeat while remembering how great Trump was and consuming five patriotic pounds of Goya brand beans? I think not! And why not? Because you’re all low-energy, un-American vegans. Wake up sheeple. All the participation trophies in the world aren’t going to save you from Biden. You’re all pathetic.
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.