(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m horrifying!” Simmon’s toothbrush shrieked on the inside. “For the love of God! If there is a God! Snap me in half and put me to sleep forever!” As of Friday afternoon, a cockroach more aware of its surroundings than Simmon’s had begun mercifully eating the bristly face off of the despondent toothbrush.
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at all,” Tim’s wife Kaytie stated. “He isn’t even a government employee, so he wouldn’t be losing a day of paid vacation or anything either. He’s just going crazy from sitting on the couch and watching Fox News all day.” As of late Wednesday evening Morris was on twitter telling liberals that they’re “destroying history” despite not knowing anything about Christopher Columbus, what country he came from, where he landed, how many innocent people he killed or that he didn’t discover America.
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of this vacuum that an attempt was made to provide ways to affix these attachments, although there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what I’m looking at here. There’s a semi-circular shape sticking out of the back that almost fits the long skinny tube piece. It’ll probably stay in there if you just don’t move the vacuum too much. Then of course I could slide the little mustache looking brush thing right on top of the long skinny tube piece. It does seem to slide right on top of the tube pretty snuggly. Nope. They both just fell off again. Okay. Back to how I always do it: Put the attachments against the vacuum and wrap the power cord around the whole fucking thing to hold them in place. If anyone knows what the fuck to do here, please leave a comment. Photo by Your Best Digs
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a rabbit in the woods in his backyard. Using a fishing net, he caught it and brought it to his toolshed. He then grabbed a hacksaw and began carving through the bunny’s front left paw. Once he cut clean through, he went and chucked the rabbit carcass back into the woods whereupon he found ten adorable newborn bunnies that the butchered rabbit had just recently given birth to. Fitzsimmons says he now plans to teach his kids how to make lucky rabbit’s feet when he has custody next week. “I’ve been looking for a way to bond with my children. This just might be it,” an unemployed Fitzsimmons stated. “Who knows. This could even be the start of a new business venture for me. Things are looking up!”
A can opener that was purchased from a Schaumburg, Illinois IKEA in 2012 has never been washed once in its life. Can opener owner Sean Miller says he has his reasons for never cleaning the device. “In all fairness I’m not really sure if you’re supposed put this model in the dishwasher because of the plastic handle,” Miller stated while opening a can of sardines. “Plus, it’s not like can openers really get that dirty.”
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.