President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision to go au naturel came after a late night discussion with Kellyanne Conway regarding optics and full transparency. “I had a conversation with Kellyanne and while she was talking and talking I said to myself in the mirror, ‘you know what Donald? You’re great! You are absolutely terrific. You really are.’ And I am! I really am.” Trump smiled while rubbing his bald scalp. “So I don’t need to spend three hours hair-spraying my wig every morning just to impress everyone.” “Folks, I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’ Trump concluded by claiming “I’m the first bald President – ever. Can you believe it? The first one folks! So remember: No wig to show, no quid pro quo!” Advertisements
Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an ordinance decriminalizing psilocybin back in May. “If you’ve ever been sick, but still wanted to feel incredibly fucking fantastic, then Vicks has the answer for you: all-new Vicks Daytrippin’ formula,” CEO Dan Waverly stated. “This fast-acting, psilocybin-laced cough syrup has everything you need if you’re looking to experience altered consciousness, clear up congestion, quiver from intense euphoria and ego death, relieve sinus pressure, and enjoy the sensation of flight all at the same time.”
After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened if we loaded the snack boxes with sharp objects. So we did and then waited for consumer complaints,” CEO Nichols Wardski stated. “After going several months without a single death, injury or complaint, we admit that nobody is eating our pathetic, little cheesy nips.” When reached for comment, the company’s rival Cheez-It says they welcome the news as they’d secretly lost seven Competitor Product Testers to Cheese Nips-related injuries this month alone.
Cory Booker’s eyes shot out of his skull with a sickening pop on live TV during MSNBCs Democratic Debate. The stomach-turning scene took place during a heated exchange between Booker and Senator Elizabeth Warren. Upon eyeball ejection, Booker immediately uttered, “Ohhhh! Not again!” before swiftly scooping up his eyeballs and plugging them back into the wrong sockets. Noticing his error, the candidate quickly placed his them back into the correct holes – creating a sickening suction sound – before twisting them into place. Moderator Rachel Maddow then paused the debate and MSNBC went to commercial in order to clean up representative Tusli Gabbard’s vomit.
South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke from Mr. Trump’s stash, and do bump after bump until my little Southern belle heart explodes.” Political experts immediately called Graham’s bluff, citing the fact that the Senator would first need to be capable of removing his head from the president’s ass in order to snort anything.
A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I don’t even know who Donna Brump is,” Trump tweeted minutes after Brump left the hearing. “I’ve never met this person. She may be an incredibly handsome woman, but I have no idea what she was talking about.”
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.