Study: Wealthiest Americans ‘Extremely Close’ To Liking Country Enough To Pay Taxes

A study released by Harvard University today revealed that of the top 100 wealthiest Americans, nearly 90% claimed that they were either “close” or “very close” to liking the United States enough to start paying taxes. “As our wealth swells, so does our pride in this great country,” Jeff Bezos stated. “So much in fact that the majority of us are getting close to liking the US enough to start paying taxes. I truly believe that once I become a trillionaire I will be prepared to contribute a couple million dollars a year.” When reached for comment, many of the richest Americans expressed similar sentiments, including Elon Musk. “I think a trillion dollars – or possible a little more – would help me to live comfortably,” Musk grinned. “But I think to be safe, I’ll start paying taxes once I’m a quadrillionaire.” Photo credit Steve Johnson

Man Who Hates Marxism Still Too Angry To Look Up What It Is

Senator Marco Rubio sent out an angry tweet today in which he flip-flopped the description of Marxism with that of capitalism. “Marxism divides people into oppressors or victims…” Rubio wrote. “Those in charge of the system then seize complete power and claim that there is fairness.” When asked by reporters to clarify what he meant, the flustered Florida senator was out of answers. “You know. I don’t know! Maybe I meant socialism! Or democratic socialism!?” a red-faced Rubio shouted. “I don’t know exactly what Marxism is. All I know is that it’s all bad and it’s scary and the Democrats are coming to take your freedom!” As of press time Rubio was briefly contemplating Googling ‘What is Marxism?’ but instead opted to go cherry pick a hypocritical Bible verse to tweet out on Sunday. Photo credit Gage Skidmore

Biden Says He’ll ‘Just Bring Some Wheat Thins’ If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue today. “Look. I love God, Jesus and the Church. But they’re not going to phase me by taking my magical cracker privileges away. No I mean it!” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s no skin off my back. I’ll just bring some Wheat Thins. Hell they taste better anyway, and there’s all of those great flavors!” Biden then went on to list the varieties of Wheat Thins that he likes. “Of course I could bring the good old Original flavor or maybe the healthier Reduced Fat. Then there’s the extra big ones for when you’re really hungry or the delicious Sundried Tomato & Basil if you’re looking for a punch in the mouth,” Biden grinned. “Sometimes I just might bring that savory Ranch and maybe even the subtle Hint of Salt. Finally, there’s the hearty Multigrain for when I’m watching my weight, and the zesty Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil for when this cracker really wants to mix it up. And you know what? Unlike the Church I’m willing to share with everyone around me. I’ll even place them right on your tongue. That’s just the kind of guy I am!” Orig. Wheat Thins photo credit Mike Mozart

Supreme Court Says World’s Largest Pedophile Ring Can Dictate Who’s Allowed To Adopt Children

The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision. “Today, the Supreme Court cast the correct and righteous vote,” the statement read. “Gay couples are 7.5 times more likely to adopt than their straight counterparts. By allowing these immoral, gay couples to adopt kids, we would be significantly decreasing the pool of children that the clergy can molest. The Church deserves to keep its longstanding tradition of pedophilia alive by claiming some of the kids for itself.”

Aaron Rodgers Says He’s ‘Avoiding The Madden Curse’ By Continuing To Play For Green Bay Packers

Disgruntled Green Bay Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers announced today that he plans to continue playing with the team despite major differences. Rodgers says he’s made this decision in order to ensure that he never faces the wrath of the Madden Curse which has harmed over 73% of players who have been depicted on the video game’s cover. “Even though Aaron Rodgers was MVP of the NFL this past season, Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes grace the cover of the Madden 22 MVP Edition,” Aaron Rodgers stated in the third person. “And that’s fine with Aaron Rodgers. He will do whatever it takes to avoid the Madden Curse.” When reached for additional comments Rodgers informed the press that he “fully intends to take the Packers all the way into the playoffs” this coming season, but that he will never make any effort to win another Super Bowl. “Look. Aaron Rodgers will throw a game if he has to in order to evade the curse,” Rodgers confirmed. “But for years now the coaching choices and draft selections have done that work for him.” Photo credit All-Pro Reels

General Public Somehow Unconcerned As To Why The Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Go To Outer Space

A new Gallup Poll revealed today that nearly 100 percent of the general public isn’t concerned over why the extremely wealthy are trying so desperately to make it to outer space, and quickly. When reached for comment, Elon Musk said he had just finished talking with Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos about finalizing their flight manifests of fellow elites that will be aboard their respective spaceships. “It’s not like the world is going to end in the very, very, very near future. Haha ha.” Musk laughed nervously. “We’re just finalizing everything right now because… uhh haha… well that’s how us billionaires are. Always prepared and ahead of the times.” “Plus, I’d feel like a real asshole if we were about to launch from this uninhabitable planet next month… I mean… err haha… decades and decades from now, God forbid, and we had somehow accidentally left someone really cool behind, like Betty White,” Musk concluded.

Immeasurably Satisfying Keeping Up With The Kardashians Finale Depicts Every Cast Member Dying

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Critics are calling it “the most enjoyable finale in history” as the Keeping Up With The Kardashians reality TV show ended today with Caitlyn Jenner losing control of her car, running the family over, swerving off of a cliff and then landing on Kanye West in a giant explosion. Although it is scripted television, many of the show’s smartest fans are terrified that the family is actually dead. Don’t worry! They aren’t! Not like the lady that Caitlyn killed with her car in real life. Notably, for many, this is the only KUWTK episode they will ever watch – on repeat – as it is immeasurably satisfying. Some are saying that it was one of the best endings since The Office, while others have said that they cried literal tears of joy. As of press time the incorrigible Kardashians were already filming a sci-fi spinoff called ‘Picking Up Pieces Of The Kardashians’ in which doctors completely rebuild their bodies after the accident; just like surgeons have in real life. Photo credit AP/Matt Sayles

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