Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the race today after claiming he could speak Norwegian, but then failing to correctly pronounce Menneskerettighetsorganisasjonene; a word that means ‘human rights organizations.’ An embarrassed Buttigieg immediately apologized for his error and ended his campaign in disgrace. Meanwhile, in a tweet, president Trump mocked Buttigieg, stating “Little Mayor Pete just revealed himself as a lier and offended all of Skandiñavia. Pathetic. Good riddants.” Advertisements
It’s no secret that the left and right are clashing harder than ever, so much so that large swaths of MAGA conservatives have become closeted out of fear for their personal safety. In fact, in the past month a 15-year old MAGA-hat-wearing boy was slapped by a grown man and, in another incident, a man ran over chairs and tables at a Republican voter registration booth with his car. The two assaults truly depict how hard it is to come out as MAGA in the US today. With experts estimating that at least 37% of the population is MAGA to some degree, countless right wing individuals are having to deal with discrimination for the first time in their lives. “Nobody can imagine what it’s like for us,” an anonymous MAGA man stated. “For someone to tell me that my love for the president is wrong. To shame me for who I am. Well that’s not the America I grew up in! That’s not how you treat your fellow man.” Meanwhile, some political experts are suggesting a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell approach in which people who identify as MAGA can support the president, but must do so quietly.
President Trump served as the Grand Marshall at this year’s Daytona 500 yesterday. The race marked the 19th anniversary of Dale Earnhardt’s fatal crash at the same event and president Trump had harsh words for the deceased race car driver. “You know, they say he was one of the greatest. They even called him ‘The Intimidator’ folks! You can’t make this up,” Trump stated. “All you do is left turn, left turn, left turn, and maybe there’s a right in there. I don’t know. I don’t know. But it’s simple turns and Dale just drives into a wall. I prefer drivers who don’t crash.”
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a repeat of Iowa will cause disarray within the Democratic Party and give Trump the upper hand in the presidential election. Notably, the decision came just days ago that Nevada caucus sites would be using the pre-loaded app on iPads to record results. To further shroud the whole situation in mystery, the Democratic Party has refused to disclose who created the application, but says it will “work like a charm.” Voters’ rights groups are understandably concerned about how the app has been designed and deployed. What do you think? “Should we shoot ourselves in the same foot again? Or should we shoot the other foot so we have nothing left to stand on?” – Maureen Dimpsey, Life-long Democrat, Art History Teacher “What’s wrong with paper? Did the Russians hack our paper mills?” – Dennis Feldman, Retired Paper Salesman “Good technology needs proper design, proper testing, and proper training. In that spirit, we hope to have the app intuitively designed by 2024, rigorously tested by 2028 and ready for use by 2032. Mark my words: There will be no fifth term for this corrupt president.” – Bill McCurdy, Nevada State Democratic Party Chair
If you have an upcoming Delta flight you had better get your Gas-X ready. The airline says it will now ban passengers from their planes if they ruin a flight with persistent farting. The move comes just one week after an elderly woman on a Delta flight from Atlanta to Portland caused several passengers and crew members to become incredibly nauseous. The airline says it will be adding an additional button next to the flight attendant call button that will allow passengers to simultaneously report and shame a farting traveler seated in their row.
Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model.
Bristol, UK – Famed street artist Banksy is taking heat after painting the side of his ex’s home and then demolishing the structure just 5 hours later. The artwork had depicted the same girl with a red heart balloon from his previous iconic work, but this time the balloon is very far out of reach; forcing the jaded girl to shoot it down with a slingshot. Banksy’s publicist confirmed that the home was that of his ex who parted ways with him the previous night after an argument over where the artist goes at night, why he doesn’t have a day job, what his real name is, and why they’ve never seen his face.