Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will add the closing words of ‘Fuck You’ to the end of the stimulus bill, ensuring that all American citizens know exactly where we stand and what our intentions are,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “So to be clear, we’re sending billions to corporations and a one-time payment of $1,200 to some Americans. Or in other words, because it can’t be emphasized enough: our constituents and fellow countrymen can go right ahead and fuck off. Money and the economy are our God.” Advertisements
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off.
As of this week China has stolen enough US secrets, technology and data to begin growing its own United States.
US Steel, the nation’s second largest producer of steel, will be laying off over 200 employees as a way of celebrating the impacts of Trump’s tariffs. “We’re doing so well that we’ve fulfilled all the orders,” US Steel CEO David Burritt stated. “For the first time in our history we’re all caught up!” As part of the celebration, US Steel will have its 3,000-plus employees draw straws today to see who gets to go home early and permanently.
In the midst of the ongoing US-China trade war, China has announced that they will no longer be shipping sex dolls to the United States. Known for their hightech, lifelike robots, China will now force Americans to interact with other people in order to recreate a realistic, robotic sexual experience. The sex doll shipping ban has already started a popular trend among US citizens of speaking like an android during foreplay and then roleplaying as robots all the way to climax.
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”