Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
With an early version of the president’s latest executive order having been shown to the press, reporters are now saying that Donald Trump plans to create “government watch lists” based on how users interact and behave on social media. Trump says the government will also be the judge of whether or not a social media platform has engaged in unfair or deceptive censorship and will be providing a way for users to submit complaints to the Department of Justice and the Federal Trade Commission. What do you think?
Facebook is saying sorry once again after a photo of Mark Zuckerberg’s pale, white penis was accidentally sent to over 11 million users. The photo was deleted from inboxes within seconds, but not before countless people were treated to a view of the billionaire’s flaccid pastey-snake and bright red, unkempt pubic brush fire; an image that proves, once again, that you really can’t have it all. Photo credit Anthony Quintano