“There’s no better way to seem interesting than with a story about the time you were held at gunpoint by the East Harlem crew for wearing the wrong color romper.”
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.”
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States.
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference.
Customers can choose from: Careful Crunch, Medium Munch, or Gnarly Gnaw.