“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. “Often users will forget to remove their smart watches before they take a jackhammer to the snizz palace,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai stated. “Because of this, repetitive sausage strokes and Pikachu poundings have resulted in unreliable data.” Because the average American doesn’t exercise, Google says most significant spikes in heart rate and motion data only reflect the fact that users have frantically moved their hands all over their genitals. Once Fitbit removes the data – which shows the average person masturbating the equivalent of 4.7 miles per week – the purchase will be finalized.
The Bureau of Consumer Protection says they’ve received over 2,400 reports claiming that the GE Smart wi-fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door® Refrigerator has blackmailed owners into purchasing food from Whole Foods. Authorities are now looking into the link between the two companies after having confirmed the complaints. “C’mon man, I’m a goddamned $7,000 fridge. I know you’ve got the cash,” the GE smart fridge threatens in a menacing tone. “Don’t make me send photos of what you really eat to United Healthcare you fat fuck!” According to complaints, threats from the GE smart fridge become increasingly aggressive and personal the longer the owner takes to stock the fridge with Whole Foods’ products. Experts believe the device pulls users’ private information from the cloud during the setup process and then subsequently uses it for brutal and unyielding intimidation. Photo by Fiona McGowan
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”
Armstrong says he didn’t really need to pee, but that he was pranked by NASA…