Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there are certain things men can no longer do with their genitals on an airplane. Here are 5 things that aren’t acceptable to do with your penis on a plane in 2020. 1. Although plastic stirrers and straws are frowned up in today’s green culture, never stir your drink with your penis while on a flight. 2. Don’t shave your balls on the tray table. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to check off personal care items from your to-do list, but creating multiple, mini-tumbleweeds of pubes that will fly throughout the cabin for the duration of the flight is frowned upon today. 3. Never dress your penis up as your emotional support pet by giving it a red vest and gluing hair, ears, and googly eyes to it and then proceed to pull your dick out on your lap and pet it. 4. Stir your neighbor’s drink. 5. Slap seated passengers in the face with your penis as you walk down the aisle to your seat. Advertisements
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”
Wikipedia has taken to blackmail in order to raise enough money to keep the non-profit, volunteer-based information site up and running. With the #11 landing page on the site being searches for xHamster, dads everywhere have begun reporting a threatening message that appears when landing on the Wikipedia page, which reads:
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.
Many men have started calling unsolicited photos of their penises “surprise gender reveal parties” What do you think?