“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the […]
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
Tyson offered a confusingly graphic, yet scientific explanation.
“Americans will become more honest and open about sex, sexual education, and hardcore sexual domination,” Cornell said while rubbing his ‘itchy nipples’.