The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than 1,400 participants varied from the candidates’ weight and the chance of catching diseases to apparent hygiene, perceived stamina, and anticipated odors. Upon hearing about the poll, an angry president Trump tweeted out: Trump’s tweet has raised eyebrows as his current wife Melania turned 50 back in April and her marriage contract doesn’t expire for nearly five more years. Advertisements
“Lindsey Graham was, hands down, easily the weirdest sex I have ever had.”
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.
After taking over 5,200 photographs of male genetalia, experts at Cornell University have released a computer-generated image of what the average male penis looks like. This is an image of the most basic dick:
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there are certain things men can no longer do with their genitals on an airplane. Here are 5 things that aren’t acceptable to do with your penis on a plane in 2020. 1. Although plastic stirrers and straws are frowned up in today’s green culture, never stir your drink with your penis while on a flight. 2. Don’t shave your balls on the tray table. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to check off personal care items from your to-do list, but creating multiple, mini-tumbleweeds of pubes that will fly throughout the cabin for the duration of the flight is frowned upon today. 3. Never dress your penis up as your emotional support pet by giving it a red vest and gluing hair, ears, and googly eyes to it and then proceed to pull your dick out on your lap and pet it. 4. Stir your neighbor’s drink. 5. Slap seated passengers in the face with your penis as you walk down the aisle to your seat.
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”