English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. “I documented today’s coitus in order to bestow upon the world the intimate details of my annual copulation,” Attenborough was overheard saying,”I want the audience to know every single detail of my life.” According to the source, Attenborough plans to record the narration for today’s sexual intercourse before moving on to film himself on the toilet. Photo credit Katexic Clippings Newsletter
After realizing that his Republican colleagues were not going to do anything to stop him, a nervous Matt Gaetz worked up the courage today to send a $900 Venmo payment to his longtime friend and fellow alleged sexual predator Joel Greenberg. Careful not to mess up again, this time Gaetz didn’t type out “sex with underage girl” in the memo, instead opting to go with: “C’mon man! Get it together. This HAS TO BE LAST TIME!!!💦🍆” A sweaty, shaking Gaetz then hit “Pay” just before realizing that he had forgotten to change the settings to private again. As of press time Republicans were defending Gaetz, claiming that he was clearly making payments to his gardener for watering his eggplants. Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Matt Gaetz slipped up today when he asked a crowd of his supporters if he could have paid for sex using dandelions. The question came after Gaetz stated that it was ridiculous for Joe Biden to pick a dandelion for his wife Jill before they boarded Marine One. “Is this considered a romantic gesture?” Gaetz asked. “Even if this is something that women like, there’s definitely something childish and way off about Biden.” “Speaking of children, do they all like dandelions? Do you think I could have enticed those underage girls by using dandelions as payment? Would that have made it legal since flowers aren’t a currency?” Gaetz asked out loud before a stunned crowd. Members of Gaetz staff then quickly rushed him off the stage before issuing a statement that the politician was not feeling well. “Mr. Gaetz has seasonal allergies that sometimes make it hard for him to speak or think clearly. Today’s allergic reaction was likely brought on by Joe Biden picking that weed out of the ground and spreading dandelion seeds across the continental United States.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been trying for a baby for over 11 months now and we’ve both had good results on our fertility tests so I have no idea what’s going on,” Rebecca stated. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have kids.” Just minutes after finishing his 500th fake orgasm Adam Westin was in the bathroom masturbating for the 500th time in under a year.
Citing a “total lack of interest” along with a “universal disgust” in her videos, Canadian-owned pornography website Pornhub announced today that they had removed every single upload featuring your mom. Pornhub confirmed that their site had “become infested with horrifying videos of her” that were so bad they caused payment processors Visa and Mastercard to cut ties with the pornography site due to total repulsion.
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe Biden gave a statement to reporters. “Who we have in office right now is a president that brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and a vice president who can’t even speak to women without adult supervision,” Biden stated while sniffing at a female staffer’s nape. “It’s wild. I mean, what’s with all these men who can’t control themselves?” Notably, the conditions set by Karen Pence mark the first time she has ever expressed concern that her husband might show an ounce of warmth toward a Black woman. As of press time, Karen was demanding to speak to the top authorities at the University of Utah – where the debate will be held – to make sure that she is given a comfortable chair at center stage.
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”