“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
“I make great deals, okay? This deal is really phenomenal on the surface. It’s a wonderful, superficial deal,” Trump said.
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium.
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders would neither confirm nor deny the claims.
This was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding changes in Alaskan hunting regulations which would…
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis.
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick.
A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future.