Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. “We’ve been trying to fix our economy for what seems like forever,” Maduro stated. “I saw the news and I decided to roll the dice.” Indeed, Venezuela has been hit incredibly hard in the past years with political corruption, unemployment, shortages of food and medicine, human rights violations, and the closure of countless companies. “I put the last of our money in and got nine shares of GameStop,” Maduro stated. “Some people might say it’s stupid to risk money when you don’t really have any, but at this point who really cares? A la luna. ¡Vamanos!”
President Trump has referred to COVID-19 as the ‘Kung Flu,’ ‘Wuhan Virus,’ and the ‘Chinese virus,’ but now the script has been flipped as the General Assembly of the United Nations voted today to begin officially calling coronavirus the ‘Trump Virus’ or the “American Flu’. A statement from the United Nations explained the move. “With more than a quarter of the world’s COVID-19 cases and deaths happening within his country, Donald Trump and the United States are quite clearly the face of this pandemic,” the statement read. “The Spanish Flu did not originate in Spain, but like the United States, they had the most cases and deaths. So it is in that spirit that we will from here on out officially refer to this disease as the ‘Trump Virus’ or ‘American Flu’. This way, historically speaking, the virus will have been named appropriately.”
President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. “You’ve got these brown foreigners from my shithole… these shithole countries trying to invade… trying to invade my…” a wide-eyed Trump paused. “My pants!” Trump then cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that President Trump had drained his swamp on stage, stating “If you’re wearing a diaper, and you’re wearing it correctly – which today he was – then the fecal matter technically does not touch the pants, and therefore, one could not say that the president shit his pants.” Photo Credit Matt Johnson
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, scientists say the new plan should be able to cut that number in half by 2036. By then, China estimates there will be 250 million corpses rocketing toward the black hole – an event that will mark the freest a Chinese citizen has ever been.
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced hedge-creeper, and a jollocksed mutton shunter all locked and loaded,” Jong-un confirmed. “That pigeon-livered, rat-brained hornswoggler has no idea what’s coming!”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”