Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now offering NATO beer and pizza if they agree to come help clear out Russian planes from Ukrainian airspace. “It’s not much. Just a few little planes here and there. It shouldn’t take more than … Continue reading Zelensky Now Offering NATO Beer & Pizza If They’ll Help Clear Out Ukrainian Airspace
People within view of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last night are saying that they saw the former president’s property light up in Russian flag colors for about 15 minutes. When reached for comment, Trump said it was all an honest … Continue reading Trump Says Mar-a-Lago Being Lit Up As The Russian Flag Last Night Was An ‘Accident’
Former president Donald Trump gave praise to Vladimir Putin today for the methods he’s using to invade Ukraine while he was on Laura Ingraham’s show. Trump went so far as to call the Russian president a “crafty and brilliant thinker” … Continue reading Trump Calls Himself A ‘Sapiosexual’ While Praising Putin As A ‘Crafty & Brilliant Thinker’
President Biden was asked by reporters today what he plans to do about studies saying that ocean levels are going to rise as much as they normally would in 100 years in just 30 years. “We gotta stop it. Period!” … Continue reading Biden: Rising Sea Levels Could Be Prevented If We Stop Dumping Viagra In The Oceans
President Joe Biden spoke with Russian president Vladimir Putin today in an effort to de-escalate incredibly high tensions surrounding what looked to be an inevitable invasion of Ukraine. As the two men were nearing the end of what seemed like … Continue reading Loud Biden Fart Makes Putin Smile For First Time In Years & Call Off Ukraine Invasion
The Beijing Winter Olympics is set to run under very strict social distancing rules in order to stop the games from becoming a super-spreader event. Because of this, athletes are being told to avoid hugging, high-fives, and handshakes at all … Continue reading China Gives Olympic Athletes Condoms & Tells Them To Avoid Physical Contact Such As ‘Hugs, High-Fives & Handshakes’
Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. … Continue reading Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding On Handful Of GameStop Shares
President Trump has referred to COVID-19 as the ‘Kung Flu,’ ‘Wuhan Virus,’ and the ‘Chinese virus,’ but now the script has been flipped as the General Assembly of the United Nations voted today to begin officially calling coronavirus the ‘Trump … Continue reading The UN is Now Officially Calling COVID-19 the ‘Trump Virus’
President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic … Continue reading Trump Poops His Pants at Tulsa Rally
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, … Continue reading China will launch their elderly into a supermassive black hole large enough to quietly solve their population problem
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced … Continue reading North Korea threatens to launch insults capable of destroying Trump’s ego
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order … Continue reading Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump’s impeachment
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global … Continue reading All of the porn on the internet is being preserved in this Arctic cave
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR … Continue reading New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
President Trump has raised security concerns after Sarah Palin was divorced by longtime husband Todd yesterday. “Todd took the house with the prefect view of Russia, and I’m assuming Moscow, ” Trump stated. “Sarah was our first line of defense … Continue reading Security concerns raised after newly divorced Sarah Palin can no longer see Russia from her house
After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for … Continue reading John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor
