“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, scientists say the new plan should be able to cut that number in half by 2036. By then, China estimates there will be 250 million corpses rocketing toward the black hole – an event that will mark the freest a Chinese citizen has ever been.
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced hedge-creeper, and a jollocksed mutton shunter all locked and loaded,” Jong-un confirmed. “That pigeon-livered, rat-brained hornswoggler has no idea what’s coming!”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order to remain as civil as possible – doesn’t cite specific transgressions by Trump, but simply reads: “The world is embarrassed for the United States. For the love of God, the world, and your country – impeach this miserable cunt.” In response, a furious President Trump tweeted out: As of press time, Democrats had already added the tweet to their list of condemning evidence for impeachment. Meanwhile, Republican leaders focused solely on the letter’s “inappropriate” use of the “c-word,” because they too are miserable cunts.
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off.