New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%

Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off. Advertisements

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AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack

“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”

Security concerns raised after newly divorced Sarah Palin can no longer see Russia from her house

President Trump has raised security concerns after Sarah Palin was divorced by longtime husband Todd yesterday. “Todd took the house with the prefect view of Russia, and I’m assuming Moscow, ” Trump stated. “Sarah was our first line of defense for our small island neighbor of Alaska. Now the native tribes are unprotected.” Republicans in the House and Senate have already drafted bills that would secure funding to construct a new home for Sarah Palin so she can continue to protect Alaskan soil. Photo by Therealbs2002

John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor

After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for our game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The correct answer is always going to be fuck Afghanistan, marry Kim Jong-un, kill Iran. So the stache is out.” As of press time, Bolton’s mustache had already accepted a position as a contributor at FOX News. Photo by Gage Skidmore

Pope Francis pooped in an elevator today after being stuck in it for just 25 minutes

YouReadyGrandma

“Once I hit the 20-minute mark there was a turtle head poking out. Just in and out, in and out it went,” Francis gestured with his fingertip through an O-shape on his other hand.

UK Study proves that all human genes are gay

YouReadyGrandma

Scientists say that everyone’s genetic activity is measurable and that soon devices will be able to scan people and determine just how gay they are.

President Trump just sexually assaulted Mike Pence in celebration of Women’s Equality Day

YouReadyGrandma

Trump said he groped “every inch” of Pence to show that he “believes in treating men and women exactly the same.”

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