“Lindsey Graham was, hands down, easily the weirdest sex I have ever had.”
A frustrated Karen Pence made an awkward request during a guest appearance this morning on Fox & Friends with her husband Mike Pence. “Is it too late to change the gay man I’m quarantined with?” a teary-eyed Karen Pence half-joked. “All he wants to do is cuddle and watch Dancing With the Stars while saying how excited he is to be a contestant next season.” The unexpected statement left vice president Mike Pence visibly embarrassed and flustered. “Mother… Mother likes to joke around,” Pence stated while turning bright red. “We have a good time.” Karen Pence then continued on with her complaint. “I mean, Lance Bass, Ricky Martin, Zachary Quinto… any of these men would be more entertaining and just as sexually fulfilling as Michael here,” Karen Pence stated while poking the vice president in the ribcage. “The closet doesn’t even want this boring old queen around.”
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.”
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”