President Trump has finally proven that mail-in voting is prone to meddling by standing against desperately-needed funding for the struggling United States Postal Service that would allow the US to run an efficient election. Notably, Trump’s actions come just in time to meet a deadline set by a federal judge for the Trump campaign to provide proof that mail-in voting fraud takes place. “I was right folks! I was right,” Trump grinned. “They said ‘it’s never been done before; widespread mail-in voter fraud can’t be done!’ But now millions of Americans may be deprived of the right to vote and it wasn’t even that hard for me to do.” In addition to Trump leaving the USPS high and dry, authorities appointed by the president are seeing to the removal of many blue USPS mailboxes in states across the country. Despite all of this, Trump, his family members, and many on his staff all say that they will be voting by mail – just like they have been for years. “We like our mailboxes in Palm Beach,” trump winked. “So we’ll be keeping them up and running over here.”
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud and that the voting method should be outlawed for the 2020 election. “These fine men and women will be coming to a neighborhood near you in unmarked vans to steal your mail, because that’s how it will happen folks!” Trump stated. “They’ll come in unmarked vans and take the ballots! Believe me. Believe me.” Legal experts say that agents found stealing mail will likely be convicted of mail fraud. The president countered this claim, stating that federal agents have jurisdiction over mailboxes. Notably, Trump voted by mail in the 2020 Florida primary and the 2017 New York mayoral election. Moreover, experts state that every type of voter fraud in US elections is negligible when compared to the number of ballots cast and is unlikely to influence an election. As of press time Trump was looking for additional reasons to delay or deny a 2020 election loss.
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots in order to have an “unbiased entity handle the results.” “It’s either delay the election until the virus disappears or allow a trustworthy country like Russia to assist us with the mail-ins,” Trump stated. “As you’ll recall Russia has yet to be found doing anything wrong when it comes to US domestic or foreign policy. Everything was all a big Democrat hoax, so Russia has been cleared – and very recently too – making them a smart choice to provide support in the 2020 election.” Notably, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he stands by Trump’s proposed Russia-lead voting solution; signaling key support from leadership that Trump will need to push a measure through Congress. “We need to either delay the election or mail our ballots directly to Moscow,” a fully supportive Mitch McConnell stated. “Because if one thing is for certain, it’s that we can trust Putin, but we cannot trust that the liberal voters in this country will not be cheating.” Moments later, Russian leader Vladimir Putin expressed his clear willingness to help. “Of course Russia will assist our great ally the United States of America with their upcoming fair and democratic election,” Putin grinned with steepled fingers. “Sure, we’ve already spent $11.7 billion to make the voting machines work to Mr. Trump’s liking – but what are friends for?” Photo Credit Peter Stevens
Standing by the claim that “it’s all a huge, pointless waste of time to vote,” 31-year-old David Braun of Topeka, Kansas has been spending countless hours of his life debating politics with strangers online. “I can’t believe that people are going to stand in line, 6-feet apart, for who knows how long, when what we have here is a two party system that is broken and doesn’t represent the American people,” Braun stated. “When you vote, all you are doing is choosing between the lesser of two evils. I’m not gonna bother.” Harvard political science professor Jamie Lunely says that people like Braun are right to be frustrated by politics in the US, but that they need to be realistic. “He’s got a point,” Lunely stated. “But non-voters should also probably try to grow the fuck up and acknowledge that the two parties do not agree on abortion, LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, climate change, tax rates, criminal justice reform, race relations, or even whether or not we should listen to scientists in order to get out of this fucking pandemic. So it does matter who wins.” As of Friday afternoon, Braun had already dedicated seven hours to a foreign policy debate with a racist, misogynistic, homophobic idiot who would shoot someone if they tried to prevent him from voting in November.
The United States Supreme Court ruled this morning that states can now punish Electoral College members that don’t vote for the candidate who wins statewide presidential balloting. The news comes after the young country just celebrated its 244th year as a a wishy-washy, pseudo-democracy. “Maybe someday in the future Americans will live in a nation in which each person directly casts one vote and the majority vote-getter wins the presidential election. A crazy notion, I know.” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “But that day is not today and the majority winner – by nearly 3 million votes – is currently not our president.” As of press time republicans were speaking out against one person, one vote; pointing out that they would likely never win the presidency again should our elections allow for such a system. “It’s not that we don’t believe in democracy,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “It’s just that we don’t like the reality that we would be living in should true democracy be instated.”
Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead the election board to search for one large, last-minute, nearby location where everyone could fit. “With a city of 600,000 people we had to find a venue that could support the large numbers while being able to allow for proper social distancing,” one official confirmed. “So bring your lanterns, flashlights, helmets, some food and water because there’s only one voting machine in there – and wouldn’t ya know – we lost it!” As of press time countless citizens were desperately searching for their right to vote.
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor denied any wrongdoing. “Everyone in that precinct was given an equal opportunity to vote at a slightly decentralized location. No favorites were played,” Kemp stated. “So you could say that everyone was in the same boat – so long as they made the one and only 8 a.m. ferry going to oil platform P-51.” More as this story develops.