The White House announced the release of Donald Trump’s new, pre-election book titled My Struggle today, prompting the country of Germany to ban the paperback instantly. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that, despite strong pushback, the book will be included as mandatory reading in all schools under Trump’s newly announced Patriotic Education Commission. “Mr. Trump’s new book, which is an autobiographical manifesto, details the hardships that the president has had to endure throughout his life to get to where he is today,” McEnany stated. “From heavy, gold-plated diapers and bone spurs to seven bankruptcies and two failed marriages. It’s all in there. It’s all very humanizing.” The book is set to hit stores next Monday, while millions of free copies will be handed out at US schools. “Because Mr. Trump cares about the education of our children, he has organized a nationwide group called the ‘Trump Youth’ that will be handing out free copies of My Struggle at schools all across the country,” McEnany confirmed.
E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with human beings,” a statement from E! read. “What remains of these families is mostly fake. From a legal standpoint, they are now nothing more than cold, unthinking, unfeeling objects.” According to the network, the final season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has already been taped and will air in 2021. Meanwhile, E! is set to take physical ownership of the two families. “According to a judge’s recent ruling, E! has every right to continue to use the family as we see fit,” a statement from E! read. “If we wanted to begin filming Kourtney & Kim Take Themselves Apart – a show where the two women literally start removing body parts to scare people in public – then we will do just that.”
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they are “financially set and able to strike indefinitely,” if that’s what it takes for change to come to the US. In response to these events, president Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner had an on-air meltdown during which he made racist comments while accidentally criticizing capitalism. “Listen. We’ve made the biggest mistake possible in a capitalistic society: paying people – let alone minorities – enough money to escape wage slavery and remove themselves from the machine,” Kushner stated. “We’ve allowed them to be able to afford to take a stand against the system itself. Make no mistake, this is what we get for paying the Blacks so well. Now they want equal treatment or they won’t entertain us. Hopefully the NBA has learned something from all of this.”
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks of wood covered in various overpriced meats, cheeses, fruits, and nuts – and as you may have noticed – everyone won’t stop posting their pictures of them. What do you think?
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had a hairstylist give him a stunning, new combover that many supporters are raving about. Notably, the move by trump marks the first time in history that a president has gotten a complete makeover while in office; let alone while running for reelection. “I can’t think of anyone who had a look anything like Mr. Trump’s. Our blond-haired, blue-eyed, charismatic leader may have just started a whole new trend!” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany smiled. “Fuhrermore… furthermore, I think we can all agree that Mr. Trump now looks more commanding and masculine than ever before.” As of Sunday afternoon countless supporters of the president were posting pictures and videos of themselves on social media cutting their hair and shaping their mustaches to match Trump.
With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said to be just a small part of the large COVID-19 For Dummies series – the rest of which will be in stores by the end of 2020. Titles of the already released books include: Should I Listen to Experts Or This Guy On Facebook? For Dummies No, That’s Also Not A COVID-19 Cure For Dummies Why You Should Wear A Mask For Dummies: The Extra-Slow Explanation Edition How to Tell Your Kids Their Teacher Died For Dummies: COVID-19 Edition COVID, Racism & Other Things That Won’t Just Magically Disappear For Dummies