For most cat owners, washing your cat is something you don’t really put much thought into. We all think we do it the right way, but that’s probably not true. For starters, most of us don’t wash our cats as much as we should – or worse – at all. Here are three signs you’re washing your cat all wrong: 1 – Your pussy still smells. You probably aren’t washing your cat long enough if they still smell afterward. Most owners stop washing their fur ball as soon as the cat has drawn enough blood to make them lightheaded. To work around this problem, purchase kevlar reinforced animal handling gloves so you can really soak your kitty. 2 – Your pussy is itchy and dry. You should never use a hairdryer on a cat. Their skin oils are too delicate to handle the concentrated heat. Instead hang a clothesline and clip your cat to it for 30 minutes after the bath. 3 – There’s hair… everywhere. If your pet is shedding too much, even after their bath, consider giving your pussy a shave. Then wash them once more to prevent future shedding. Finally, remember to pin them up on that clothesline for drying. Advertisements
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of this vacuum that an attempt was made to provide ways to affix these attachments, although there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what I’m looking at here. There’s a semi-circular shape sticking out of the back that almost fits the long skinny tube piece. It’ll probably stay in there if you just don’t move the vacuum too much. Then of course I could slide the little mustache looking brush thing right on top of the long skinny tube piece. It does seem to slide right on top of the tube pretty snuggly. Nope. They both just fell off again. Okay. Back to how I always do it: Put the attachments against the vacuum and wrap the power cord around the whole fucking thing to hold them in place. If anyone knows what the fuck to do here, please leave a comment. Photo by Your Best Digs
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a rabbit in the woods in his backyard. Using a fishing net, he caught it and brought it to his toolshed. He then grabbed a hacksaw and began carving through the bunny’s front left paw. Once he cut clean through, he went and chucked the rabbit carcass back into the woods whereupon he found ten adorable newborn bunnies that the butchered rabbit had just recently given birth to. Fitzsimmons says he now plans to teach his kids how to make lucky rabbit’s feet when he has custody next week. “I’ve been looking for a way to bond with my children. This just might be it,” an unemployed Fitzsimmons stated. “Who knows. This could even be the start of a new business venture for me. Things are looking up!”