An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.” Advertisements
Award-winning singer/songwriter Mark Ronson came out as trysexual today – meaning he’ll try anything in the bedroom with sexual partners. “It doesn’t matter how nasty the act is, I’ll try it,” Ronson smiled. “You name it, I’ve done it, or I’m probably about to.” Ronson added that being trysexual means he gives every fetish “three good ol’ fashioned tries” before he can decide to never do it again.
Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain shuts down if I don’t know what’s between someone’s legs,” collector Walter Thomas stated. “How will I know which dolls I’m allowed to be attracted to? How will I know if I’m being gay?” Meanwhile, the Conservative Doll Collectors of America say they plan to boycott, or possibly girlcott Mattel as soon as they get their bearings and “figure out what the hell is going on.”
Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years the pumpkin spice problem can only be killed one way: Everyone needs to shut the fuck up about it. “It’s apparent that the pumpkin spice addicts have no taste or shame,” head researcher Veronica Dayton stated. “However, they do crave attention. So it’s really time that we all just shut the fuck up, ignore their Instagram posts, and wait until they die from attention starvation.”
Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over the course of three years. “We’ve discovered hyper-rapid serotonin production that is only found in people with low IQs. In other words, it doesn’t take much to make an idiot smile,” Head Researcher Bryan Scoff glared. “It is my sincerest hope – that because of these findings – that absolutely nobody is happy anymore.” Next, scientists say they plan to ruin the concept of love and then move on to destroy any semblance of happiness that may remain after that.
The 3,500 people who showed up to Storm Area 51 today were sorely disappointed when they found out the aliens had been relocated to Area 52. Refusing to leave empty-handed, the sizable crowd raided a military truck as it drove by, pulling out crates of what turned out to be hand sanitizer. Initial reports state that the sanitation product was created at Area 51 with alien saliva. The futuristic sanitizer’s label says it’s guaranteed to kill 100% of germs – along with anything else that comes in contact with it.
In an effort to “lure those who have given up on life” into their restaurants, KFC is now selling a 3,450 calorie fried Chicken & Donut sandwich meant to induce heart attacks while offering to dump hot coffee all over guests’ crotches. “We’ve used real tears of underpaid workers to give the donuts a salty-sweet glaze,” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. “Then we deep fry the chicken in a vat of employee sweat to get that taste of utter despair packed into every savory bite. And then, for just $1 more, we’ll pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants.” Eaton says that the scalding hot coffee in your lap and Chicken & Donut sandwich will remain on the menu until the company is hit with a class action lawsuit.