Trump on Dale Earnhardt: 'I Prefer Drivers Who Don't Crash'

President Trump served as the Grand Marshall at this year’s Daytona 500 yesterday. The race marked the 19th anniversary of Dale Earnhardt’s fatal crash at the same event and president Trump had harsh words for the deceased race car driver. “You know, they say he was one of the greatest. They even called him ‘The Intimidator’ folks! You can’t make this up,” Trump stated. “All you do is left turn, left turn, left turn, and maybe there’s a right in there. I don’t know. I don’t know. But it’s simple turns and Dale just drives into a wall. I prefer drivers who don’t crash.” Advertisements


Banksy Demolishes Ex's Entire House Just Hours After Painting It

Bristol, UK – Famed street artist Banksy is taking heat after painting the side of his ex’s home and then demolishing the structure just 5 hours later. The artwork had depicted the same girl with a red heart balloon from his previous iconic work, but this time the balloon is very far out of reach; forcing the jaded girl to shoot it down with a slingshot. Banksy’s publicist confirmed that the home was that of his ex who parted ways with him the previous night after an argument over where the artist goes at night, why he doesn’t have a day job, what his real name is, and why they’ve never seen his face.

Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good

1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will completely change your life. Step 1: Acquire 35, 12-pound weighted blankets. Step 2: Wait for your partner to fall asleep. Step 3: Slowly cover your partner in layer after layer of weighted blankets until the snoring stops. Ignore any muffled screams and within minutes you’ll be enjoying the silence. Step 4: Repeat the process if your future cellmate also turns out to be a snorer.

Belle Delphine's Bathwater Identified as Source of Coronavirus


Scientists at the World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that internet celebrity Belle Delphine’s bathwater was the initial source of the coronavirus. According to the cosplay star’s website, Delphine has sold her dirty bathwater to fans across the globe – most of which are gamers – for a whopping $250 a jar. “What we have here is a situation in which a mutated form of gonorrhea has infected gamers across the world; causing flu-like symptoms,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “Notably, this is the first know case of gonorrhea being spread by a large group of virgins.”

First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House


The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini is an 11-foot reticulated python from China; one of the few breeds of snakes that can swallow a human whole,” president Trump beamed as he spoke to reporters. “Isn’t he magnificent? He is. He really is.” Notably, taxpayers footed the bill for the purchase and transportation of Nagini who, due of the current trade war with the China, cost Americans $1,285,000. As of 8pm Eastern time, animal control had been called several times to come to the White House after Nagini broke loose. It wasn’t until the 8th attempt that someone took the call seriously. “We thought the calls were kids playing a prank,” a representative from DC Animal Control stated. “Nobody in their right mind is particularly shocked to hear that there’s a dangerous snake in the White House that everyone wants removed.”

USA Today hails eating ass as better than In-N-Out Burger


USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out.

Beaver urine and anal gland juices to be removed from Vanilla Coke recipe


Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.

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