Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as being emotionally jarring, unnerving, and incoherent. “Kyle lives in a world of mainstream, shitty pop with southern accents and lyrics about tractors, trucks, girls, jeans, boots, and beers which collides with heavy metal’s war, doom, misery, destruction and violent aggression,” Kyle’s girlfriend Becky Steadman stated. “With Kyle you never know what God-awful song will come on next, much less what he wants or who he is as a person.” As of Wednesday afternoon, Steadman said she was going to force Whitmore to pick just one type of music or she would be leaving him. “What I can’t do is sit here anymore and watch as Kyle wears his Iron Maiden and Judas Priest shirts with his cowboy boots and hat,” an emotional Steadman stated. “That’s no way to live.” Photo Credit Buckangel
(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing the importance of pure whiteness in both the mayo and the country. “Welp. I guess I went and did it again! I try to keep my recipes short and to the point, but then this happens.” Wilcox stated as he posted the racist manifesto to ConfederateChef.com. “Not too many people would think a condiment recipe could land you on the government watch list, but this spicy mayonnaise just might be the one.” As of press time federal agents were knocking down Wilcox’s front door – having come across last week’s 77-page recipe post that explained how he made a fake birthday cake using yellowcake explosives.
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, walking out, not removing hats, and not placing their hands over their hearts during the song. “I used to be able to finish with no hands, but now I can’t stay focused at all during the anthem. It’s like I’m trying to get to climax with my fellow patriots, but my mind wanders to commie liberals and I can’t key into those feelings of pleasure like I used to,” Ditka stated. “Eventually I just get frustrated because I can’t focus on freedom and I give up because it’s way too hard to finish when you’re crying.” As of press time Ditka was calling for all liberals who refuse to stand for the national anthem to leave the country so that he can once again jizz his pants during the song. Photo credit WEBN-TV
(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s baseball game. Wife Karen James says Bryan got emotional and had to change the channel when he saw that everyone was kneeling. “Bryan was very proud of himself when he let the family know that he could toss the ball toward home plate better than Fauci. He even said he won’t trust a man who doesn’t know how to throw a baseball,” Karen stated. “But when my Bryan saw all those men kneeling in solidarity with the socialist, racist terrorists – well he lost his mind.” Karen says her husband began throwing things at their brand new 65″ smart TV. “Luckily for us Bryan didn’t hit the TV with a darn thing,” Karen stated. “He also didn’t throw hard enough to make any marks or dents in the wall, so things could certainly have been worse.” As of Thursday night Bryan was icing his now injured throwing shoulder and bragging that he could still outpitch Dr. Fauci with his left hand.
(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself admitted to reporters that it couldn’t bring itself to fork over the $169 for a Day Pass. “Although it would only make sense that a virus such as myself would make its way into a busy, bustling place like Disney World, I cannot in good conscience justify the cost of a Day Pass,” the virus confirmed. “It doesn’t matter how badly I want to go in there, because these prices are fucking absurd.”