Aaron Rodgers Says He’s ‘Avoiding The Madden Curse’ By Continuing To Play For Green Bay Packers

Disgruntled Green Bay Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers announced today that he plans to continue playing with the team despite major differences. Rodgers says he’s made this decision in order to ensure that he never faces the wrath of the Madden Curse which has harmed over 73% of players who have been depicted on the video game’s cover. “Even though Aaron Rodgers was MVP of the NFL this past season, Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes grace the cover of the Madden 22 MVP Edition,” Aaron Rodgers stated in the third person. “And that’s fine with Aaron Rodgers. He will do whatever it takes to avoid the Madden Curse.” When reached for additional comments Rodgers informed the press that he “fully intends to take the Packers all the way into the playoffs” this coming season, but that he will never make any effort to win another Super Bowl. “Look. Aaron Rodgers will throw a game if he has to in order to evade the curse,” Rodgers confirmed. “But for years now the coaching choices and draft selections have done that work for him.” Photo credit All-Pro Reels

Immeasurably Satisfying Keeping Up With The Kardashians Finale Depicts Every Cast Member Dying

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Critics are calling it “the most enjoyable finale in history” as the Keeping Up With The Kardashians reality TV show ended today with Caitlyn Jenner losing control of her car, running the family over, swerving off of a cliff and then landing on Kanye West in a giant explosion. Although it is scripted television, many of the show’s smartest fans are terrified that the family is actually dead. Don’t worry! They aren’t! Not like the lady that Caitlyn killed with her car in real life. Notably, for many, this is the only KUWTK episode they will ever watch – on repeat – as it is immeasurably satisfying. Some are saying that it was one of the best endings since The Office, while others have said that they cried literal tears of joy. As of press time the incorrigible Kardashians were already filming a sci-fi spinoff called ‘Picking Up Pieces Of The Kardashians’ in which doctors completely rebuild their bodies after the accident; just like surgeons have in real life. Photo credit AP/Matt Sayles

Distraught Johnny Knoxville Shouts At Sky ‘Why Haven’t You Killed Me Yet!?’ On His 50th Birthday

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Photo credit Gage Skidmore

Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

YouReadyGrandma

The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the Food Network opted to add a death clause into the contract, a portion of which reads: “…Fieri will continue to receive payment from The Company for 3-years, or until death by myocardial infarction (heart attack); whichever comes first.” A representative from the Food Network also made some brief comments. “After several medical examinations were conducted, we found it prudent that we include a death clause in the contract due to deep concerns over Mr. Fieri’s health.” Michelle Douglas stated. “Because of his diet, we just cannot be certain that Guy will live another three years, but we can be certain that he will in fact die from a heart attack. That is for sure. He could be Mayor of Heaven’s Flavortown any day now really.” Photo credit Kelly Huston

Clearly Depressed, Pluto Has Yet To Complete A Single Orbit Since Demotion To Dwarf Planet

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Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed planetary syndrome. “To be honest, we all stopped paying attention to Pluto after the classification was changed,” head researcher Sandra Michell stated. “Then, when we went back to look at its orbital progress again last week, we were all stunned.” Indeed, Pluto is clearly not taking the rejection and demotion very well. “Recent research shows that Pluto just completely gave up right around the time we removed it from the official list of planets. Ever since then it’s been drifting listlessly in outer space,” Michell confirmed. Since the discovery, scientists have tried broadcasting motivational speeches, tempting the dwarf planet with money, and even decreasing expectations for how quickly Pluto has to complete an orbit. So far nothing has worked.

Dodgers Move Forward With Name Change After New Sponsorship By Dogecoin

YouReadyGrandma

The team formerly known as the Los Angeles Dodgers now bears a slightly-adjusted, new name and team mascot. Now recognized as the Dogers, after Dogecoin became the team’s new sponsor, the new mascot will be the a Shiba Inu dog flying to the moon on a rocket ship. As of press time, several of the Los Angeles Dogers were in talks with team management to switch their pay from the US dollar to the Dogecoin cryptocurrency; leading some experts to believe that the meme-based, virtual currency will skyrocket once again.

Sir David Attenborough Films Own Birthday Sex & Adds Narration For Upcoming Biopic

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English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. “I documented today’s coitus in order to bestow upon the world the intimate details of my annual copulation,” Attenborough was overheard saying,”I want the audience to know every single detail of my life.” According to the source, Attenborough plans to record the narration for today’s sexual intercourse before moving on to film himself on the toilet. Photo credit Katexic Clippings Newsletter

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