After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re basically the same person,” Trump told journalists. “We were both married multiple times to beautiful, young people. We are savvy business men, and we are both handsome men who enjoy the finer things in life.” Those close to the president say Trump is strongly considering pardoning Joe Exotic, having even suggested that Joe would make a great replacement for Mike Pence in the 2020 election. “Look, Joe’s a business man and entertainer-turned-politician just like me,” Trump stated. “And we both have great hair. Can’t forget that. So maybe we’ll replace Mike with Joe. Maybe. Just to spice things up a bit. We’ll see. We’ll see.” Notably, after finishing the Netflix series Trump was actually a huge fan of Carole Baskin before he was told by staffers that she was, in fact, a woman and not another long-haired man. “At first I thought the story was: rich-man-beats-gay-guy. But that wasn’t the case,” Trump stated. “The bottom line, if we can agree on anything, it’s that Carole Baskin is a total bitch who murdered her husband.” As of press time Melania Trump was being forced to return her newly purchased liger and was ordered to stop rubbing fish oil on the president. Advertisements
Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. “It turns out nobody is willing to put up with subpar, generic soccer mom rock coupled with Chad Kroeger’s inability to adjust his tone or inflection. Nobody is going outside unless they absolutely have to.” As of press time several other countries had started trying the approach, while the nations of Sweden, Switzerland, and Denmark had already deemed the method to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. “We’ve got the living room where we can all gather to play board games,” Stephenson stated. “Then, just 100 feet down the hall, there’s the master bedroom where mommy and daddy will spend 12 loud minutes rekindling their love life. There’s really something for everyone.” As of press time, the recently unemployed Stephenson was visiting his back porch, on his 7th beer, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to afford to take his family on a real vacation.
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears that the penguins had found a handful of supplies and then just totally went for it,” Heikkine stated. “Up until now, we had no idea how creative and fabulous penguins could be.” Heikkine says that he watched for about 30-minutes as various penguins took turns putting on the wig and makeup and walking back and forth in front of one another before the animals noticed him and quickly waddled away.
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials who had advised the cancellation of concerts specifically stated that they will permit Nickelback shows to go on. “Nobody will ever see a Nickelback concert as a possible public health hazard because they don’t have any fans,” CDC Robert Redfield stated, “We’ve confirmed that it’s just the tour bus driver, and a handful of the stage crew out there in the stands cheering the band on every night. It’s always been just them. In fact, if you want to be safe from the virus, one of the best places you could go is to a Nickelback concert, but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”