Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted 57 minutes, included eight words, and featured uncomfortable segments of crying and screaming. Beck’s actions come in response to the announcement that six Seuss books will no longer be published because they portray people in a harmful way; causing him to complain about cancel culture before getting weepy and nostalgic. “One Fish,” Beck began before immediately bawling for twelve minutes. “Two fish,” Beck howled and then blubbered on for another several minutes. “Red Fish,” Beck lamented before blowing his nose and then asking for more tissues; having already gone through an entire box. “Blue Fish,” Beck concluded with a moan just seconds before the end of the show. The theme music then cut in and played with the sounds of Beck’s weeping and wailing still audible in the background. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” God stated. “That’s quite clear. But at the same time we don’t think it’s fair to make the Devil watch him for all eternity.” Satan agreed. “I know almost everyone thinks that Rush Limbaugh should be here in Hell with me,” the Devil stated. “But at no point did I ever agree to live indefinitely in a waking nightmare. So now Rush is stuck in his own private limbo that we’ve created just for him. We call it ‘Rush Limbo’.”
Billionaire Bill Gates is set to release a depressing new book next week titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’. Gates, who is typically known for his cautious optimism, says there’s no hope for humanity anymore. “If we want to survive climate change and be able to feed everyone, we’ll all have to be eating fake meat by 2030,” Gates stated. “But we all know that’s never going to fucking happen, so instead of delaying the inevitable, we might as well just give up right now.” As of press time PETA released a statement disavowing all previous stances on animal cruelty and sustainability. “Since reading an early copy of Mr. Gates’ book, a large percentage of vegans and vegetarians have started eating meat and other animal-based products again,” the PETA statement read. “Because if everyone else isn’t going to try, we might as well speed things up by joining in on the delicious decimation of our planet.” Experts say that the vegans who have reverted back to their old dietary ways have increased their carbon footprints by as much as 70% and decreased their level of fucks given down to zero.
As the clock ran out on Super Bowl LV, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid looked up at the scoreboard and said he knew deep down that something fishy was going on. “I felt sick to my stomach. There were points on the board that seemed to come out of nowhere,” a visibly frustrated Reid stated. “Not to mention there’s no way that a sleepy, 43 year-old Tom Brady could have defeated a young, spry 25 year-old Mahomes without cheating. That’s a fact.” The red-faced Reid continued. “The Super Bowl is far from over! If you believe in a free and fair NFL, then we must stand up against this travesty,” Reid stated. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re still the reigning Super Bowl champions and we won’t relinquish this title to a bunch of cheaters.” In response to the accusations, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave a public statement. “I don’t know why the Chiefs think they can change the outcome of a game when we all clearly saw what happened. It was broadcast live on national television,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, if they want to have any chance at challenging the Super Bowl results, they should consider moving to an alternate reality.” As of press time, countless Chiefs fans were congregating in Midtown Manhattan to listen to Andy Reid give an impassioned speech about the so-called controversy before turning around and storming the National Football League Headquarters.
The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and upset, prompting the NFL to explain its actions. “Except for the 36 footballs that will be used for kicking, we’ve gone ahead and deflated the pigskins to Tom Brady’s ideal firmness. Specifically, we’ve taken them from 13 down to 9.7745 psi in order to ensure for a more exciting and high scoring game,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. Goodell admits the deflated footballs will give Brady a “slight advantage” over Patrick Mahomes, but emphasized that it will give the Chiefs quarterback a “somewhat easier time” throwing the ball. Goodell then mentioned that the NFL was trying to account for Brady’s age. “Tom Brady is 43 years-old, Mahomes is only 25,” Goodell stated. “So, in a way, we’ve sort of evened the playing field here.” Goodell concluded his announcement by adding that referees will also be assisting Brady and the Buccaneers. “If the footballs aren’t enough to help Tampa Bay win, we’ve given our refs the go-ahead to make erroneous pass interference calls against the Chiefs in the 4th quarter,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, we’ll do pretty much anything we can to help Mr. Brady reach his 7th Super Bowl victory. It just makes for a good story.” Photo Credit All-Pro Reels
Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been trying for a baby for over 11 months now and we’ve both had good results on our fertility tests so I have no idea what’s going on,” Rebecca stated. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have kids.” Just minutes after finishing his 500th fake orgasm Adam Westin was in the bathroom masturbating for the 500th time in under a year.