Many men have started calling unsolicited photos of their penises “surprise gender reveal parties” What do you think? Advertisements
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the product was developed to make use of excess meat. “With so many people trying out plant-based products, we now have a growing surplus of raw meat,”Tyson Farms CEO Noel White stated. “This was the smartest way to still sell the product while keeping it fresher for longer.” White ended the press conference by telling the crowd to try all of their delicious flavors like Chocolate Cow Chunk, Banana Beef Foster, Peanut Butter Pig, or Classic Caramel Chicken.
Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. “Often users will forget to remove their smart watches before they take a jackhammer to the snizz palace,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai stated. “Because of this, repetitive sausage strokes and Pikachu poundings have resulted in unreliable data.” Because the average American doesn’t exercise, Google says most significant spikes in heart rate and motion data only reflect the fact that users have frantically moved their hands all over their genitals. Once Fitbit removes the data – which shows the average person masturbating the equivalent of 4.7 miles per week – the purchase will be finalized.
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
Three week old Douglas Sommers learns about honeycombs at Asheville, North Carolina’s annual Babies and Bee’s Festival. Photo Credit: Sandra Jackson
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”