Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters are the ones who actually care about the United States! Not cucks like you. You dirty, purple-haired hippies probably don’t even know what a shower is! Ha! Well I’m trying to get all of my shower time in before the commie socialists start rationing food and water – which obviously would include beans and bathing. Besides, could a snowflake even handle listening to Y.M.C.A. on repeat while remembering how great Trump was and consuming five patriotic pounds of Goya brand beans? I think not! And why not? Because you’re all low-energy, un-American vegans. Wake up sheeple. All the participation trophies in the world aren’t going to save you from Biden. You’re all pathetic.
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
Citing a “total lack of interest” along with a “universal disgust” in her videos, Canadian-owned pornography website Pornhub announced today that they had removed every single upload featuring your mom. Pornhub confirmed that their site had “become infested with horrifying videos of her” that were so bad they caused payment processors Visa and Mastercard to cut ties with the pornography site due to total repulsion.
Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis and proceeded to cough all over her employees. “If we all have it, then we can all continue working,” Ellen smiled before coughing directly on her assistant’s face. “And this way everyone on my team gets to keep receiving paychecks. It’s a win, win!” The TV host and comedian then grabbed a traffic cone prop and began shouting through it at everyone in the studio. “I feel just like Oprah!” DeGeneres laughed before coughing one-by-one into individual employee’s faces through the cone while shouting “You get COVID! (cough) You get COVID! (cough) Everyone gets COVID! (cough, cough cough).” As of press time, at least 17 lawsuits have been filed against DeGeneres. Photo credit Toglenn
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their open-mouth kissing drills that may have helped to spread the virus. “We’re a tight-knit team,” head coach Vic Fangio stated. “The kissing drills have been a part of our practice ever since Tim Tebow suggested it while in the showers back in 2010. Maybe we’ll bring it back after the vaccine, but for now we’re stopping with close physical contact except for during games when we all end up in a giant pile of man, sweat, and spandex after nearly every play.”
Proving that Taylor Swift fans will buy anything she puts out, the singer’s newest album – which is comprised of just her farting – went platinum in only 10 minutes. Titled ‘Squeak Now,’ Swift’s latest album features farting that lasts for 13 tracks, or nearly 70 minutes. The singer also announced that she will be releasing a special edition album with commentary and two, live-version bonus tracks. Notably Swift says she made this album entirely by herself using all five restrooms in her Beverly Hills house. Photo Credit Eva Rinaldi