English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. “I documented today’s coitus in order to bestow upon the world the intimate details of my annual copulation,” Attenborough was overheard saying,”I want the audience to know every single detail of my life.” According to the source, Attenborough plans to record the narration for today’s sexual intercourse before moving on to film himself on the toilet. Photo credit Katexic Clippings Newsletter
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had a hairstylist give him a stunning, new combover that many supporters are raving about. Notably, the move by trump marks the first time in history that a president has gotten a complete makeover while in office; let alone while running for reelection. “I can’t think of anyone who had a look anything like Mr. Trump’s. Our blond-haired, blue-eyed, charismatic leader may have just started a whole new trend!” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany smiled. “Fuhrermore… furthermore, I think we can all agree that Mr. Trump now looks more commanding and masculine than ever before.” As of Sunday afternoon countless supporters of the president were posting pictures and videos of themselves on social media cutting their hair and shaping their mustaches to match Trump.
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I started murdering people, there’d be none of you left.” 2. “There’s nothing wrong with being incompetent. It just means you don’t have to do as much.” 3. “I’m the king of this whole planet. I’m gonna rule this whole world.” 4. “I’m the pope. I’m ten times the pope. I’m sixty times the pope.” 5. “What the hell would I wanna go off and go to work for? Work for what? Money? I got all the money in the world. I’m the king, man. I run the underworld, guy. I decide who does what and where they do it at. What am I gonna run around like some teeny bopper somewhere for someone else’s money? I make the money man, I roll the nickels. The game is mine. I deal the cards.” 6. “Words are your words. You invented the words, and you made a dictionary and you gave me the dictionary and you said, ‘These are what the words mean.’ Well, this is what they mean to you, but to someone else, they have got a different dictionary.” 7. “They’re gonna take your courtrooms. They’re gonna take your money and they’re gonna take your country. They’re gonna take your resources.” 8. “You people would convict a grilled cheese sandwich of murder and the people wouldn’t question it.” 9. “You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.” 10. “I was so smart when I was a kid that I learnt that I was dumb fast.” Scroll Down For Answer Key …..….…… Answers 1-10: Charles Manson. Although all of these statements sound like something Donald Trump would say, they are all quotes from cult leader Charles Manson.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
Today, conservatives across the country gathered to remember the time in 1955 that civil rights hero Rosa Parks boarded an Alabama bus with an AR-15 and a confederate flag while visibly sick with the whooping cough. “Miss Parks was the first person with the guts to stand up and say, ‘I don’t care whether or not I’m sick, fuck you guys, I’m riding the goddamned bus!’” White House economic advisor Stephen Moore stated. “What we are seeing today is no different.” Indeed, from coast to coast countless mentally – and likely physically – sick Americans rallied together in direct defiance of medical experts and official state government orders to stay at home and practice social distancing. “The people we are seeing outside during this pandemic are the civil rights leaders of today. Like Rosa Parks, they would rather be arrested than willingly surrender their rights and liberties,” Moore stated. “I’m certain that their bravery will lead to a nationwide change as their defiance is already contagious. You can’t deny that something is spreading here in America.”
Armstrong says he didn’t really need to pee, but that he was pranked by NASA…
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump