Pope Francis took time out of his weekly address today to tell priests and followers across the globe to “cancel mass, stay home, and read a goddamned Bible already!” “I’m most deeply saddened and ashamed for the priests who have clearly not read the holy book!” Francis yelled. “Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.’ So there’s no need to hold mass like fucking fools and spread this deadly virus!” Francis then paused and took a deep breath while unsuccessfully attempting to collect himself. “So my challenge to all of the faithful is this: Do me a favor! Read the Bible for once in your goddamned lives! Cover-to-cover, just once. Do it for me!” Francis shouted. “For I say unto thee: as truly fucked up as the Bible is, there do exist some good little truth nuggets, although they are sparsely scattered throughout. Amen.” Photo Credit Mario Duran-Ortiz Advertisements
Hoping to set a good example for people across the planet, Jesus Christ announced today that He would not be leaving His cavernous tomb this year in order to celebrate Easter; citing the coronavirus as His main cause for concern. “I may have risen, but I’m staying home because most of my deeds involve multiplying and sharing things or touching people to cure physical ailments – all of which would only work to further spread this virus,” Jesus told reporters while waving his pierced appendages in the air. “I’m a handsy guy.” The Savior went on to explain His new plans for this Easter. “Today, I’m strongly considering putting an end to this coronavirus thing, because I can and could have this whole time,” Jesus told reporters while standing in the entrance of his tomb. “My Dad might have created the virus, but I’m omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent too.” As of press time, many prominent people had already begun to distance themselves from the religious figure, pointing to the fact that Jesus could have prevented the virus from existing in the first place. “It’s one thing to be an aloof deity, but it’s another to be complicit,” a retiring Pope Francis told a shocked audience via his Easter livestream. “I can’t in good conscience continue to worship such a heartless God.”
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.”
“Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs instead of the happy holidays ones…”
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani