Today, I am thrilled to unveil my latest creation: Beastblend, a unique line of merchandise that brings together the beauty of the animal kingdom in the most unexpected and adorable ways. Prepare to be captivated as I introduce you to … Continue reading NEW! Introducting Beastblend Hybrid Animals: Sharkitten, Koalacorn & Slothtopus! 15+ Colors!
A large group of angry conservatives took to social media today to announce a boycott of Petco and PetSmart after learning that both American pet retailers engage in the act of grooming. “Now they’re even going after our pets!” Fox … Continue reading Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers
Recent reports claim that billionaire Elon Musk’s company Neuralink may have killed up to 15 test monkeys by implanting computer chips into their brains. Now, researchers and Musk are saying that the remaining monkeys are clearly plotting revenge. “Every single … Continue reading Elon Musk’s Test Monkeys That Didn’t Die From Brain Implant Clearly Plotting Revenge
Jailed business man and entertainer Joe Exotic of “Tiger King” fame is set to be executed and buried behind the jail he has been incarcerated in next week. The decision to kill him was issued by a federal judge during … Continue reading Aging Joe Exotic To Be Put Down & Buried Behind Jail To Make Room For Younger, Healthier Inmates
Fox News host Tucker Carlson spent an entire hour last night attacking the Biden family for allegedly declawing the new White House cat. The decision to focus on the topic came despite the fact that nobody at Fox had confirmed … Continue reading Dressed As A Cat, Tucker Carlson Claims Biden Declawed New White House Pet In ‘Thiny-Veiled Attack On 2nd Amendment’
News broke today that the gopher from Caddyshack – now turned Federal agent – overheard three residents from The Villages admit to committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. The gopher was sent to secretly monitor the community using a … Continue reading ‘Caddyshack’ Gopher Catches Trump Supporters Who Voted Multiple Times In 2020
BROOKSVILLE, FLORIDA – Dog owner, and mother of two, Sharon Braun took matters into her own hands this Fourth of July when she attempted to shoot fireworks out of the sky with a rifle “before they could explode.” Braun says … Continue reading Florida Woman Arrested For Shooting Fireworks Out Of The Sky ‘So They Don’t Explode & Scare Dogs’
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath … Continue reading Heroic Dog Refuses to Accept Medal of Honor Until Country Elects a Real Leader
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, … Continue reading God Hates Us: Swarms of Giant Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ Arrive in North America Because, Why the Fuck Not?
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears … Continue reading TIME Photo Of The Year Captures Antarctic Penguins Putting on a Drag Show
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able … Continue reading Swarm of 40,000 Africanized Bees Prompts City to Enact Stop-and-Frisk Policy
The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini … Continue reading First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the … Continue reading Absolutely Shredded Groundhog shows off summer body, predicts early spring
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of … Continue reading Beaver urine and anal gland juices to be removed from Vanilla Coke recipe
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out … Continue reading Herpetologists: Mitch McConnell’s push for late night impeachment trial suggests he’s a desert tortoise
For most cat owners, washing your cat is something you don’t really put much thought into. We all think we do it the right way, but that’s probably not true. For starters, most of us don’t wash our cats as … Continue reading Stinky Kitty? Here are 3 signs you’re washing your cat wrong
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a … Continue reading A Beaver trapped Elizabeth Warren in the corner of her Indianapolis campaign office for four hours
