A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath at night on the Fourth of July with all of the fireworks going off than be seen anywhere near that man,” Max said of Trump. “Why anyone would want to accept a medal for valor and heroism from a draft dodging, racist, sexist, homophobic, pathetic little man is beyond me.” Max says that should Joe Biden be elected in November that he will gladly accept the award. “I get yelled at all the time for sticking my nose in people’s butts and crotches,” Max stated. “So, personally, I couldn’t care less if the former vice president smells people’s hair.”
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, the good and merciful Lord’s creation can sting repeatedly – causing tissue necrosis, anaphylactic shock, respiratory issues, extreme pain, blood clots, and liver damage. Murder Hornets are Jesus’ flying venom snakes. The insects are extremely territorial; attacking and consuming any large insect that comes across their path. Yet, in all of His wisdom, God created the Murder Hornet to favor the killing of endangered honeybees – an insect that pollinates around 35% of all crops raised for human consumption. The good Lord’s insidious invertebrate will mercilessly decapitate these bees, chewing their thoraxes into a ball of carnage to return to feed their demon larvae babies. Over time, the killings will inevitably result in crop failure and human starvation. Experts say that if all goes according to His plan, God willing, all humans should be eradicated from the planet by 2035.
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears that the penguins had found a handful of supplies and then just totally went for it,” Heikkine stated. “Up until now, we had no idea how creative and fabulous penguins could be.” Heikkine says that he watched for about 30-minutes as various penguins took turns putting on the wig and makeup and walking back and forth in front of one another before the animals noticed him and quickly waddled away.
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini is an 11-foot reticulated python from China; one of the few breeds of snakes that can swallow a human whole,” president Trump beamed as he spoke to reporters. “Isn’t he magnificent? He is. He really is.” Notably, taxpayers footed the bill for the purchase and transportation of Nagini who, due of the current trade war with the China, cost Americans $1,285,000. As of 8pm Eastern time, animal control had been called several times to come to the White House after Nagini broke loose. It wasn’t until the 8th attempt that someone took the call seriously. “We thought the calls were kids playing a prank,” a representative from DC Animal Control stated. “Nobody in their right mind is particularly shocked to hear that there’s a dangerous snake in the White House that everyone wants removed.”
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.