Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears that the penguins had found a handful of supplies and then just totally went for it,” Heikkine stated. “Up until now, we had no idea how creative and fabulous penguins could be.” Heikkine says that he watched for about 30-minutes as various penguins took turns putting on the wig and makeup and walking back and forth in front of one another before the animals noticed him and quickly waddled away. Advertisements
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini is an 11-foot reticulated python from China; one of the few breeds of snakes that can swallow a human whole,” president Trump beamed as he spoke to reporters. “Isn’t he magnificent? He is. He really is.” Notably, taxpayers footed the bill for the purchase and transportation of Nagini who, due of the current trade war with the China, cost Americans $1,285,000. As of 8pm Eastern time, animal control had been called several times to come to the White House after Nagini broke loose. It wasn’t until the 8th attempt that someone took the call seriously. “We thought the calls were kids playing a prank,” a representative from DC Animal Control stated. “Nobody in their right mind is particularly shocked to hear that there’s a dangerous snake in the White House that everyone wants removed.”
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
For most cat owners, washing your cat is something you don’t really put much thought into. We all think we do it the right way, but that’s probably not true. For starters, most of us don’t wash our cats as much as we should – or worse – at all. Here are three signs you’re washing your cat all wrong: 1 – Your pussy still smells. You probably aren’t washing your cat long enough if they still smell afterward. Most owners stop washing their fur ball as soon as the cat has drawn enough blood to make them lightheaded. To work around this problem, purchase kevlar reinforced animal handling gloves so you can really soak your kitty. 2 – Your pussy is itchy and dry. You should never use a hairdryer on a cat. Their skin oils are too delicate to handle the concentrated heat. Instead hang a clothesline and clip your cat to it for 30 minutes after the bath. 3 – There’s hair… everywhere. If your pet is shedding too much, even after their bath, consider giving your pussy a shave. Then wash them once more to prevent future shedding. Finally, remember to pin them up on that clothesline for drying.