Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly Advertisements
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying to stop and reverse the inundation of redheads in the NFL for years,” Goodell stated. “Today, we can proudly say that we’ve succeeded!” Notably, the Bengals claim that they had given Dalton the option of shaving his head like redheaded tight end Jimmy Graham, but the quarterback refused to hide or even change his hair color. “I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it,” an emotional Dalton told reporters. “The NFL will be hearing from my lawyers.” As of press time, Goodell warned that any team that signs Dalton will be hit with a $150 million fine.
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. “I can’t quit you!” Gronkowski sobbed. “So I’m coming to Tampa Bay. I’m coming back to be your tight end Tom. I love you.” As of press time Gronkowski had already secured a locker right next to Brady and the two men had started deflating footballs.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes it,” head coach Bruce Arians stated. “And I gotta say, it’s so much easier to hold the ball this way. Tom’s a genius!” Coach Arians also confirmed that the Buccaneers’ contract with Brady requires the team provide hidden camera experts to film the other teams’ practices. “It’s a minor detail and it’s just something we had to agree to in order to get Tom. The Patriots did it, and now we’re doing it so that Tom has everything he needs to win.” As of press time, the team says they’ve already put millions of dollars aside to pay for all of the league violations that inevitably come with having Tom Brady on your team.
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
New England Patriots videographer Brian Stewart was caught filming the 1-13 Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline today in an effort to learn how the Bengals could possibly be so bad. “There’s nothing to learn from the Bengals other than what not to do,” Stewart stated. “We wanted to make sure that the Patriots are never as terrible as them.” As a penalty the NFL says it will give the Patriots’ opponents a 7-point lead to begin every game for the entire 2020-2021 season.