Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, walking out, not removing hats, and not placing their hands over their hearts during the song. “I used to be able to finish with no hands, but now I can’t stay focused at all during the anthem. It’s like I’m trying to get to climax with my fellow patriots, but my mind wanders to commie liberals and I can’t key into those feelings of pleasure like I used to,” Ditka stated. “Eventually I just get frustrated because I can’t focus on freedom and I give up because it’s way too hard to finish when you’re crying.” As of press time Ditka was calling for all liberals who refuse to stand for the national anthem to leave the country so that he can once again jizz his pants during the song. Photo credit WEBN-TV
The Washington Redskins announced today that they’ve finally found a more fitting name for their organization after it was revealed that at least 15 women have reported instances of sexual harassment, including unwanted touching. The franchise says that after much debate it has settled on the Washington Gropers. Reportedly, other names that were being considered included the Washington Non-Disclosure Agreements and the Washington Molesters.
Well, it’s not what anyone expected, but it’s something. The Washington Redskins have announced that they will be keeping their name, but changing their mascot to a red potato. “You’ll notice that the red potato has a red colored skin on it, making the vegetable directly applicable to the name,” Redskins majority owner Daniel Snyder stated. “And as a nod to our past, we’ve kept the two feathers. Sure, the design is atrocious, but as an organization we’ll be saving millions on rebranding.” Interestingly, the Redskins decision has inspired other teams such as the Kansas City Chiefs to consider the new mascot Master Chief from Halo and the Altanta Braves to adopt the character Merida from the movie Brave.
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab her by the pussy,’ and finally the national anthem. The NFL says the entire playlist should run a total of 15 minutes and is meant to remind Americans of black history, modern history, and American tradition, respectively. “The NFL is now a place to have open political conversations,” a statement from the NFL read. “We want to remind American’s of our nation’s history all while acknowledging the present and celebrating the past. These songs and sounds perfectly encapsulate these things.” The NFL says that it hopes all viewers will become familiar with the lyrics of the black national anthem and the uncensored lines from Trump’s Access Hollywood tapes, which read: “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ I took her out – I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying to stop and reverse the inundation of redheads in the NFL for years,” Goodell stated. “Today, we can proudly say that we’ve succeeded!” Notably, the Bengals claim that they had given Dalton the option of shaving his head like redheaded tight end Jimmy Graham, but the quarterback refused to hide or even change his hair color. “I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it,” an emotional Dalton told reporters. “The NFL will be hearing from my lawyers.” As of press time, Goodell warned that any team that signs Dalton will be hit with a $150 million fine.
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. “I can’t quit you!” Gronkowski sobbed. “So I’m coming to Tampa Bay. I’m coming back to be your tight end Tom. I love you.” As of press time Gronkowski had already secured a locker right next to Brady and the two men had started deflating footballs.