Melania Trump celebrated her 50th birthday today, bringing her one year closer to being released from the marriage contract she signed with husband Donald Trump in 2005. The First Lady, who inked a 20-year agreement with the president, is now only 5 years away from regaining her independence. “As I’m contractually obligated to say, I truly love my husband Donald, and I’m prepared to stand by his side,” a teary-eyed Melania told reporters as she checked a timer on her watch. “for another… 1,824 days, 12 hours, 29 minutes, and 16 seconds.” Per terms in their contract, president Trump is legally required to stay at least 100 yards away from Melania for the entire day. Advertisements
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost
In a more than concerning display, President Trump live tweeted his bowel movement from the Oval Office toilet early this morning.
“Donald J. Trump is up for Best Performance in a Comedy Series that lasts for one term or less.”
“An investigation will show Melania’s knockers were implanted by the Russians to spy on our great nation.”