Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
Football
UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end. “It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.” Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”
NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying to stop and reverse the inundation of redheads in the NFL for years,” Goodell stated. “Today, we can proudly say that we’ve succeeded!” Notably, the Bengals claim that they had given Dalton the option of shaving his head like redheaded tight end Jimmy Graham, but the quarterback refused to hide or even change his hair color. “I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it,” an emotional Dalton told reporters. “The NFL will be hearing from my lawyers.” As of press time, Goodell warned that any team that signs Dalton will be hit with a $150 million fine.
NFL Announces ‘Hall of Fam’ Nomination for Donovan McNabb, Other Slightly Above Average Players
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response to public outcry McMaster said that farting the national anthem is simply an expression of his First Amendment rights. (Article continues below image) “I firmly believe we can all stand and respect the flag during the national anthem – no matter where you come from, where the sound is coming from, or what that may smell like,” McMaster Return Home Take me to the MEMES!
‘Months of Pegging’ Needed for Brady to Overcome Super Bowl Loss
“The last time that Tom was this upset was after the 31-0 loss to the Bills in 2003.”