Category: Football

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Spike In Michigan Football Players Having Unprotected Sex & STDs After Coach Says He’ll Raise Any Unwanted Babies

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Reports are pouring in that University of Michigan football players are almost exclusively having unprotected sex ever since head coach Jim Harbaugh announced that he would gladly raise any of their unwanted babies. According to some players, Harbaugh was absolutely … Continue reading Spike In Michigan Football Players Having Unprotected Sex & STDs After Coach Says He’ll Raise Any Unwanted Babies

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Aaron Rodgers Says $200 Million Deal Only Covers Regular Season: ‘Pay Me More For Playoff Wins’

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Aaron Rodgers has become the highest-paid NFL player ever after signing a 4-year, $200 million deal with the Green Bay Packers, but the 38-year-old quarterback is now telling the press that the team will have to pay him more if … Continue reading Aaron Rodgers Says $200 Million Deal Only Covers Regular Season: ‘Pay Me More For Playoff Wins’

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Bengals: ‘We Scored Due To A Missed Face Mask Penalty So Why Can’t We Also Foul The Rams On Defense!?’

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The vast majority of Cincinnati Bengals fans are convinced that the NFL rigged yesterday’s Super Bowl – allowing the Los Angeles Rams to win the game in the final minutes. Angry fans are pointing to inconsistencies in penalties both called, … Continue reading Bengals: ‘We Scored Due To A Missed Face Mask Penalty So Why Can’t We Also Foul The Rams On Defense!?’

Crime, Football, Law, NFL, Protest, Sports, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

California Might Decriminalize Running Over Protesters Ahead Of Super Bowl

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California governor Gavin Newsom announced today that the state is considering passing an emergency law that can give complete immunity to drivers who strike and injure protesters with their cars on public streets. The move comes a day before a … Continue reading California Might Decriminalize Running Over Protesters Ahead Of Super Bowl

Football, Holidays, Joe Biden, Sports, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday

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President Joe Biden has declared ‘Super Bowl Monday’ – the day after the big football game – a new national holiday. The decision was made when Biden read an article about the huge losses that companies already incur on that … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday

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NFL Will Use ‘Animal-Free’ Footballs Now That Tom Brady Is Going Vegan

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The NFL announced today that starting next weekend the league will be using plant-based, vegan footballs. The historic change comes after Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference in which he spent over an hour telling reporters why he’s … Continue reading NFL Will Use ‘Animal-Free’ Footballs Now That Tom Brady Is Going Vegan

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Fired Anti-vaxx Football Coach Will Now ‘Stand Up For Himself’ In The Unemployment Line

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Washington State football head coach Nick Rolovich has been fired from his role after refusing to comply with a mandate requiring state educational employees to get the COVID vaccine by October 18th. Rolovich and four other coaches will all be … Continue reading Fired Anti-vaxx Football Coach Will Now ‘Stand Up For Himself’ In The Unemployment Line

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NFL Deflates 125 Footballs Down To Tom Bradys Ideal PSI In preparation For Super Bowl

72 Footballs Deflated To Tom Brady’s Ideal PSI In Preparation For Super Bowl

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The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and … Continue reading 72 Footballs Deflated To Tom Brady’s Ideal PSI In Preparation For Super Bowl

Coronavirus, Football, Louisiana, Sports, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Louisiana to bring back football warns 100 chance of death

Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

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Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said … Continue reading Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

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UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach

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UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole … Continue reading UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach

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Andy Dalton Redhead NFL

NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton

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With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying … Continue reading NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton

America, Breaking News, Conservative, Donald Trump, Food, Football, new england patriots, NFL, Republican, sex, Sexuality, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring

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“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.” Continue reading Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring

America, Announcement, Conservative, Football, Game, Human Rights, Politics, Race, Racism, Republican, Singing, Society, Sports, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl

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South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says … Continue reading South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl