Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves for radioactive winds and rain by covering themselves – and everything they care about – in materials that block radiation, such as lead, tungsten, and bismuth. Notably, the World Meteorological Organization has deviated from the tradition of naming the storms after people and is instead calling the eight new radioactive hurricanes: Not Today Satan Oh, C’mon! Please God, Make It Stop! Quarantina Really? REALLY!? Shit, shit, shit! This Is The End, and Unbelievable Despite what happened today, the Trump administration is calling the nuclear detonations a big success. “Any attempt to label this as a ‘mistake’ or a ‘blunder’ is completely false and misleading,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “The president did what he set out to do. He completely destroyed hurricanes Laura and Marco, and now we just have to finish the job by blowing up the rest of the storms.”
House democrats killed a republican-sponsored bill today that would have allowed president Trump to detonate nukes in the eyes of hurricanes utilizing trained dolphins. The 272-158 vote reportedly infuriated the president who immediately went on Twitter to vent his anger.
“First and foremost, we must blow up the nukes to make sure that no one gets their hands on them.” – President Trump