Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor. Advertisements
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas confirmed today that he and Representative Devin Nunes are so close that they would often speak on the phone while the California representative was pooping. “Everybody poops,” Parnas confirmed. “Sometimes people just become comfortable unclenching and letting it flow freely while on the phone with their best friend. Ours was a relaxed, intimate relationship.” Parnas also released a transcript from the end of one of his bathroom calls with Nunes: [plunger noises and flushing] Nunes: “My god, I can’t believe what just happened in there.” Parnas: “Haha, what?” Nunes: “Well, let’s just say it’ll be a long time before I have another bite of Mexican food.” [more plunger noises and flushing] Parnas: “I hear that!” Nunes: “That double-stuffed steak burrito with triple refried beans hit my colon like the atomic bomb hit Hiroshima in ’45.” Parnas: “Well, you might want to wait awhile before you let anyone go in there.” Nunes: “Better give it an hour.” Parnas: “Oh fuck.” Parnas has provided hours of these bathroom calls to Democrats which clearly indicate that Nunes has irritable bowel syndrome. Investigators say the communication between the men offers both “graphic detail of Nunes’ diet and clearly implicate the representative’s involvement in the Ukraine scandal throughout the spring of 2019.”
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We obviously couldn’t tell what we were voting on,” Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy stated. “So we waited to see if the Democrats were voting ‘Sí’ or ‘No’ and then just voted the opposite.” The strategy seems to have worked so far as Republicans only once accidentally voted ‘Sí’ on a motion to refer to president Trump as “la pequeña perra anaranjado.”