Nancy Pelosi gave a briefing this morning explaining the remaining steps to impeaching president Donald Trump. “For those of you who aren’t clear, I wanted to lay out the next steps for the impeachment process,” a wide-eyed Pelosi stated. “Today the House Judiciary Committee will argue and then hold a vote to vote on a vote for tomorrow’s impeachment vote after a preliminary shouting match and vote today and Friday.” Pelosi then confirmed that the process would be repeated in the Senate, but take about five times longer. Photo credit Ron Cogswell Advertisements
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order to remain as civil as possible – doesn’t cite specific transgressions by Trump, but simply reads: “The world is embarrassed for the United States. For the love of God, the world, and your country – impeach this miserable cunt.” In response, a furious President Trump tweeted out: As of press time, Democrats had already added the tweet to their list of condemning evidence for impeachment. Meanwhile, Republican leaders focused solely on the letter’s “inappropriate” use of the “c-word,” because they too are miserable cunts.
President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision to go au naturel came after a late night discussion with Kellyanne Conway regarding optics and full transparency. “I had a conversation with Kellyanne and while she was talking and talking I said to myself in the mirror, ‘you know what Donald? You’re great! You are absolutely terrific. You really are.’ And I am! I really am.” Trump smiled while rubbing his bald scalp. “So I don’t need to spend three hours hair-spraying my wig every morning just to impress everyone.” “Folks, I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’ Trump concluded by claiming “I’m the first bald President – ever. Can you believe it? The first one folks! So remember: No wig to show, no quid pro quo!”
South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke from Mr. Trump’s stash, and do bump after bump until my little Southern belle heart explodes.” Political experts immediately called Graham’s bluff, citing the fact that the Senator would first need to be capable of removing his head from the president’s ass in order to snort anything.
A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I don’t even know who Donna Brump is,” Trump tweeted minutes after Brump left the hearing. “I’ve never met this person. She may be an incredibly handsome woman, but I have no idea what she was talking about.”
In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so unjust keeps happening over and over again – and to the same group of people – you simply can’t keep quiet anymore,” Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell stated. Speaker Nancy Pelosi also commented on the kneeling incident. “Republicans think that white lies don’t matter,” Pelosi stated. “The truth is that all lies matter, and we’ve caught the president in a big one.”