After Republicans blocked witnesses and evidence in the Democrat’s first attempt at impeaching the president, Nancy Pelosi now says they will have to go ahead and impeach Donald Trump for a second time in order to tell the public the complete, true story. “Not only is another impeachment going to happen, but it is absolutely necessary,” a wide-eyed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated. “We have plenty of new witnesses and evidence to pile on, we just have to start the whole process over again.” Democrats claim that just because no president has ever been impeached more than once doesn’t mean they can’t do it. Indeed, nothing in the law says that it can’t happen. “There is no ‘one-and-done’ clause in the Constitution shielding presidents from multiple impeachments,” Pelosi stated while blinking for the first time in 30 minutes. “You don’t get acquitted and then get a free pass thereafter.” Democrats say that the second impeachment of Donald Trump will begin sometime in the middle of February and end in exactly the same way as the last impeachment.
Senate Republicans celebrated their success in acquitting president Trump today, admitting their complete incompetence was a ruse that all but assures Republican Senators will never be called for jury duty. “We had our eyes on the prize the whole time and it really paid off,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell s grinned. “We’ve now clearly demonstrated an inability to be fair or impartial; meaning we’ll never receive a jury summons or have to pretend to care about the rule of law again.”
Republican Senators formed an orderly line today on the Senate floor in order to eat out president Trump’s asshole. The hour long tongue bath began right after the elected officials cast their votes to acquit the president of high crimes and misdemeanors; leaving constitutional scholars uncertain which was worse: the destruction of our democracy, or Trump’s intermittent farts and the inevitable resulting spread of pink eye.
Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor.
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas confirmed today that he and Representative Devin Nunes are so close that they would often speak on the phone while the California representative was pooping. “Everybody poops,” Parnas confirmed. “Sometimes people just become comfortable unclenching and letting it flow freely while on the phone with their best friend. Ours was a relaxed, intimate relationship.” Parnas also released a transcript from the end of one of his bathroom calls with Nunes: [plunger noises and flushing] Nunes: “My god, I can’t believe what just happened in there.” Parnas: “Haha, what?” Nunes: “Well, let’s just say it’ll be a long time before I have another bite of Mexican food.” [more plunger noises and flushing] Parnas: “I hear that!” Nunes: “That double-stuffed steak burrito with triple refried beans hit my colon like the atomic bomb hit Hiroshima in ’45.” Parnas: “Well, you might want to wait awhile before you let anyone go in there.” Nunes: “Better give it an hour.” Parnas: “Oh fuck.” Parnas has provided hours of these bathroom calls to Democrats which clearly indicate that Nunes has irritable bowel syndrome. Investigators say the communication between the men offers both “graphic detail of Nunes’ diet and clearly implicate the representative’s involvement in the Ukraine scandal throughout the spring of 2019.”
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?