The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” and “a hoax.” “Perceived democracy is something to be valued as a social tool to control the masses,” Putin confirmed. “Last night destroyed my confidence that America will ever be a truly viable democracy for Russia to manipulate.” Meanwhile, two large protests have broken out in Moscow and St. Petersburg over Russia’s inability to participate in last night’s Iowa Caucus. Advertisements
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign help. I’ll be his tutor.” A disheveled, grinning Johnson stated. “We can both be abrasive pricks and still win elections.” In response, president Trump declined Johnson’s offer telling reporters, “Gotta love Boris! Crazy Boris! Someone tell him ‘Thanks for the offer and congrats on the win, but I’m already working with another country’.”
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. Notably, the campaign materials in question have retained the ‘MAGA’ slogan, but repurposed the acronym to stand for “Make All the Gays go Away.” Return Home Take me to the MEMES!
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”
Hours after an incriminating interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani came sprinting back on set shouting something about Ukraine; interrupting a live broadcast by anchor Brooke Baldwin. Fuming mad, Giuliani began flailing around and screeching before tearing off his clothes and chasing guest Shaun Harper with his asscheeks. Photo Credit Mishimoto88
President Trump has raised security concerns after Sarah Palin was divorced by longtime husband Todd yesterday. “Todd took the house with the prefect view of Russia, and I’m assuming Moscow, ” Trump stated. “Sarah was our first line of defense for our small island neighbor of Alaska. Now the native tribes are unprotected.” Republicans in the House and Senate have already drafted bills that would secure funding to construct a new home for Sarah Palin so she can continue to protect Alaskan soil. Photo by Therealbs2002