President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots in order to have an “unbiased entity handle the results.” “It’s either delay the election until the virus disappears or allow a trustworthy country like Russia to assist us with the mail-ins,” Trump stated. “As you’ll recall Russia has yet to be found doing anything wrong when it comes to US domestic or foreign policy. Everything was all a big Democrat hoax, so Russia has been cleared – and very recently too – making them a smart choice to provide support in the 2020 election.” Notably, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he stands by Trump’s proposed Russia-lead voting solution; signaling key support from leadership that Trump will need to push a measure through Congress. “We need to either delay the election or mail our ballots directly to Moscow,” a fully supportive Mitch McConnell stated. “Because if one thing is for certain, it’s that we can trust Putin, but we cannot trust that the liberal voters in this country will not be cheating.” Moments later, Russian leader Vladimir Putin expressed his clear willingness to help. “Of course Russia will assist our great ally the United States of America with their upcoming fair and democratic election,” Putin grinned with steepled fingers. “Sure, we’ve already spent $11.7 billion to make the voting machines work to Mr. Trump’s liking – but what are friends for?” Photo Credit Peter Stevens
In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the accusations. “What does it really matter at this point? There are too many strings attached to America’s so-called leader,” Putin stated. “that orange puppet won’t do shit.” When reached for a statement, the Trump administration said that it “will be responding to Putin’s shocking claims just as soon as Russia provides the official talking points.”
The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” and “a hoax.” “Perceived democracy is something to be valued as a social tool to control the masses,” Putin confirmed. “Last night destroyed my confidence that America will ever be a truly viable democracy for Russia to manipulate.” Meanwhile, two large protests have broken out in Moscow and St. Petersburg over Russia’s inability to participate in last night’s Iowa Caucus.
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign help. I’ll be his tutor.” A disheveled, grinning Johnson stated. “We can both be abrasive pricks and still win elections.” In response, president Trump declined Johnson’s offer telling reporters, “Gotta love Boris! Crazy Boris! Someone tell him ‘Thanks for the offer and congrats on the win, but I’m already working with another country’.”
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. Notably, the campaign materials in question have retained the ‘MAGA’ slogan, but repurposed the acronym to stand for “Make All the Gays go Away.” Return Home Take me to the MEMES!
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”