Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single people – especially strangers – into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing … Continue reading Lonely Pope Encourages Couples to Invite Single People for a Ménage à Trois on Valentine’s Day
President Joe Biden has declared ‘Super Bowl Monday’ – the day after the big football game – a new national holiday. The decision was made when Biden read an article about the huge losses that companies already incur on that … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday
Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at … Continue reading Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled
Dawn Peterson of Grand Rapids, Michigan had to explain to her kids this morning why their dad was only getting a tie for Father’s Day for the 7th year in a row. “Daddy can have a nice gift when he … Continue reading Husband Can Have a Nice Father’s Day Gift ‘When He Starts Acting Like a Parent Too’
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the … Continue reading Absolutely Shredded Groundhog shows off summer body, predicts early spring
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old. Continue reading Trump threatens North Pole after going 18 years without a single present from Santa
(Brookfield, WI) A genderless, robotic Santa in Brookfield Square Mall is causing outrage among conservative customers who are demanding a traditional, white, human male Santa. What do you think? Continue reading A genderless, robotic Santa is driving people in a Wisconsin mall absolutely insane
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Moving Christmas to the 4th of July
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated. Continue reading Sarah Sanders: “Memorial Day is a Republican Holiday”
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.” Continue reading Over 100 Million Eggs Recalled on Easter Over Concerns They’re Making Kids Gay
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker Continue reading Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!” Continue reading President Trump Announces Massive 4th of July Celebration for Liberals
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.” Continue reading Pope Francis Officially Moves Christmas 2019 to March
“Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs instead of the happy holidays ones…” Continue reading Starbucks Apologizes to Christians, Plans to Release a New Line of Religious Cups
Tallest first lady ever lifts President Obama in famous tradition. Continue reading Michelle Obama Lifts Barack to Place Kenyan Symbol on Christmas Tree
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering … Continue reading Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many
