“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of.
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Company spokesman Keith McElroy explained the new concept by comparing the game as a “mash-up of (their) already-existing games of Monopoly, Ouija, Bop It, Sorry!, Probe, and Aggravation.”
“It’s like Monopoly because there are some people that are just good at…