“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
Entertainment
Local Man Uses Catheter So He Doesn’t Miss Any Part of Avengers: Endgame
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.
Kanye West Was Selling Damaged Condoms at Coachella for $125
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”
Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
Meet the Worst Backseat Driver Ever: A Man Who Only Speaks in Idioms
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”
Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
Elon Musk & The Rock Are Costarring in an Adult Film
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of.
Stoned Sun Listens to Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ and ‘Gets it’ This Time
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Parker Brothers to Unveil New “Guess That Queef” Game
Company spokesman Keith McElroy explained the new concept by comparing the game as a “mash-up of (their) already-existing games of Monopoly, Ouija, Bop It, Sorry!, Probe, and Aggravation.”
“It’s like Monopoly because there are some people that are just good at…