The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that satire is now illegal in the United States, stating that it “no longer serves its original purpose due to reality moving far beyond that of rational thought.” “The use of exaggeration and irony to expose and criticize will no longer be allowed,” the expletive-ridden majority opinion read. “We must rule this way because, unfortunately, everything in our world is now un-fucking-believable. On top of this, since the general public already has a hard enough time telling their own ass from a hole in the ground, we don’t need to add to the confusion when absolutely nothing can be considered far-fetched anymore.” As of press time, satire sites were happy to shut down, with The Onion admitting that “it was getting excruciatingly difficult trying to come up with stories while actual journalists were basically writing the same things by simply covering the real world.” Photo credit Joe Ravi, CC-BY-SA 3.0
The United States Supreme Court ruled this morning that states can now punish Electoral College members that don’t vote for the candidate who wins statewide presidential balloting. The news comes after the young country just celebrated its 244th year as a a wishy-washy, pseudo-democracy. “Maybe someday in the future Americans will live in a nation in which each person directly casts one vote and the majority vote-getter wins the presidential election. A crazy notion, I know.” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “But that day is not today and the majority winner – by nearly 3 million votes – is currently not our president.” As of press time republicans were speaking out against one person, one vote; pointing out that they would likely never win the presidency again should our elections allow for such a system. “It’s not that we don’t believe in democracy,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “It’s just that we don’t like the reality that we would be living in should true democracy be instated.”
Going strong in her 86th year, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spent her Wednesday morning at Fatty’s Tattoos and Piercings on Connecticut Avenue in D.C. getting her 9th tattoo which reads “JUDG LYFE” across her knuckles. Ginsburg, who is very active in the local skate community, has also been recognized for her amazing skating skills and her affinity for smoking cannabis in recent news.
Having already overcome four types of cancer, including colon and lung, the 89-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she plans to defeat every disease known to man by 2040. Ginsburg, who is currently battling pancreatic cancer, plans to move on to a sizable brain tumor and then have a minor stroke.
The Trump Border Wall Hotel will be the 15th longest structure in the world and have over half a million rooms.
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted.