According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of the pandemic. “As a God-fearing Christian, it makes me jealous that so many people are getting to meet Jesus,” Fox News host Laura Ingraham smiled. “Because the world is such a chaotic place right now, who wouldn’t rather be meeting our Lord and Savior? Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” As of noon today, Fox News was reporting that 73% of coronavirus victims from the US – or about 100,740 people – were having a fantastic time in Heaven. The network also reminded non-believers that there was still time to convert and be saved from an eternity of burning in hell; a message that has already been a part of Fox’s daily programming since 1996.
Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at all,” Tim’s wife Kaytie stated. “He isn’t even a government employee, so he wouldn’t be losing a day of paid vacation or anything either. He’s just going crazy from sitting on the couch and watching Fox News all day.” As of late Wednesday evening Morris was on twitter telling liberals that they’re “destroying history” despite not knowing anything about Christopher Columbus, what country he came from, where he landed, how many innocent people he killed or that he didn’t discover America.
A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox News has repeatedly misinformed its viewers on the facts surrounding the coronavirus. Today, an alarmingly high number of Fox News viewers believe that the COVID-19 death toll is falsely inflated, that opening the states back up prematurely won’t cause a second wave, and that face masks do not need to be worn.” The letter continued. “What’s more, the news channel advocated for the use of hydroxychloroquine; a drug that proved to increase mortality rates. This deadly reporting decision alone should be enough to question the news channel’s legitimacy. In fact, Fox News viewers are consistently found to be the least informed.” The letter concluded by recommending that viewers take a break from the channel and read up on what actual experts have been saying about COVID-19. “We’re not saying that CNN or MSNBC are perfect or without bias, we’re just letting Fox News viewers know that their main source of information is incredibly misleading and making this entire situation much, much worse,” the letter read. “Maybe try reading a reputable medical journal for once.” In response to the letter, Fox News personality Sean Hannity fired back calling the vast majority of scientists “liars and frauds,” stating that having an educational background and expertise in a subject “doesn’t mean that you know anything about anything.” “We can make stuff up too!” Hannity stated. “In fact we do it every single day.” Photo Credit Johnny Silvercloud
A tweaked-out Laura Ingraham ended her show on FOX News last night by smoking copious amounts of methamphetamines at her desk. She then wandered off set and came zooming back with a cold steak, plastic straws, and lightbulbs from the men’s restroom. After taking a few more hits, the unhinged Ingraham started aggressively screwing incandescent lightbulbs into the meat before getting mad and repeatedly stabbing the bloody steak with straws. Click here to watch the video.
“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
“Steve and Tim will hold hands, and sometimes even kiss,” laughed Earhardt.