Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. “It turns out nobody is willing to put up with subpar, generic soccer mom rock coupled with Chad Kroeger’s inability to adjust his tone or inflection. Nobody is going outside unless they absolutely have to.” As of press time several other countries had started trying the approach, while the nations of Sweden, Switzerland, and Denmark had already deemed the method to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Advertisements
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials who had advised the cancellation of concerts specifically stated that they will permit Nickelback shows to go on. “Nobody will ever see a Nickelback concert as a possible public health hazard because they don’t have any fans,” CDC Robert Redfield stated, “We’ve confirmed that it’s just the tour bus driver, and a handful of the stage crew out there in the stands cheering the band on every night. It’s always been just them. In fact, if you want to be safe from the virus, one of the best places you could go is to a Nickelback concert, but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
Presidential candidate Tom Steyer took the stage with Marilyn Manson in South Carolina today, just a day after white-boy twerking on stage with Juvenile to ‘Back That Ass Up’. Notably, Steyer sang the chorus to Manson’s chart-topping song ‘This is The New Shit’ which goes like this: Babble babble bitch bitchRebel rebel party partySex sex sex and don’t forget the violenceBlah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonelyStick your stupid slogan inEverybody sing along Steyer, who also came out wearing dark eyeliner like Manson, says that the alternative metal performance was all a part of his plan for reaching the younger voting demographic.
American rapper, singer, and songwriter Kanye West released his latest album titled Pensive today. The 3 hour and 12 minute album consists of 17 tracks of varying lengths which contain nothing but silence. Notably, the album sells for $199.99 and critics are calling it West’s best work to date. No tour will be announced to accompany the release until Kanye can figure out how to shut the fuck up.
Award-winning singer/songwriter Mark Ronson came out as trysexual today – meaning he’ll try anything in the bedroom with sexual partners. “It doesn’t matter how nasty the act is, I’ll try it,” Ronson smiled. “You name it, I’ve done it, or I’m probably about to.” Ronson added that being trysexual means he gives every fetish “three good ol’ fashioned tries” before he can decide to never do it again.
Authorities are calling Chris Brown’s new album Indigo “32 tracks of incriminating evidence” which relate to 14 new assualt allegations against the artist.
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.