The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth seekers are still calling BS on the entire story, pointing to the fact that the band is objectively terrible. “There’s no way in hell that 100 people, let alone thousands, would willingly attend a Smash Mouth concert,” a strongly worded fact check on Snopes.com read. “This is clearly a false flag operation with the intent of disguising the actual source of COVID infections and pinning blame on a poor group of musicians that are stuck in the recurring nightmare of playing ‘All Star’ for the rest of their lives.” Related – Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums Photo credit Eva Rinaldi
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as being emotionally jarring, unnerving, and incoherent. “Kyle lives in a world of mainstream, shitty pop with southern accents and lyrics about tractors, trucks, girls, jeans, boots, and beers which collides with heavy metal’s war, doom, misery, destruction and violent aggression,” Kyle’s girlfriend Becky Steadman stated. “With Kyle you never know what God-awful song will come on next, much less what he wants or who he is as a person.” As of Wednesday afternoon, Steadman said she was going to force Whitmore to pick just one type of music or she would be leaving him. “What I can’t do is sit here anymore and watch as Kyle wears his Iron Maiden and Judas Priest shirts with his cowboy boots and hat,” an emotional Steadman stated. “That’s no way to live.” Photo Credit Buckangel
The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move comes just a few hours after Cuban tweeted in response to a fan that said he won’t watch Mavericks games if any of the players kneel for the song: “I’m sick of the fake patriotic bullshit,” Cuban stated. “Kneel. Don’t kneel. Wear a hat. Take off your hat. Put your hand over your heart. Stand up. Sit down… Well, all that doesn’t matter anymore because I’m not going to let anyone play it.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Satan has one more soul today after talented country music legend Charlie Daniels passed away in a Nashville hospital this morning from a stroke. God says that Daniels’ famous song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was the main reason that the singer-songwriter will spend an eternity burning in hell. “For decades Daniels has been encouraging young men everywhere to make a deal with the Devil,” God stated. “But when that song peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1979, it was clear that Daniels had forgotten about the three most important people: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I want to send a clear message that there’s no winning when you make a deal with the Devil.” Upon hearing that Charlie Daniels would be tortured in hell for all eternity, countless country fans became outraged with God accusing the deity of not being able to separate reality from farcical storytelling.
Chase Rice concert-goers were given the rare chance to be literal diehard fans over the weekend as the popular country singer decided to play a crowded show in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. Seconds into the start of the his set, nearly everyone in attendance began reporting that blood was pouring out of their ears. “We want to reassure first time fans that this happens every time Chase takes the stage,” an official statement released by the band reads. “It’s perfectly normal for his unoriginal, corporate-pandering, clowntown honkey bullshit to reach the human brain and immediately cause extreme hemorrhaging due to cognitive dissonance. The blood streaming out of your ears is just a sign that your body is both accepting and enjoying the experience.” As of Monday morning, a new message had been added to the musician’s website which encouraged fans to bring their own tampons to use as ear plugs at future shows until the star can finalize a deal with major tampon company Kotex who has reportedly already created custom signage with the slogan “Chris Rice is Kotex Country”.
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, we do unfortunately need to make smart business decisions during this tough time,” a press release read. “As of right now we can no longer financially justify keeping our non-essential twerkers.” What do you think?