A Republican nightmare is unfolding as House Democrats passed a bill today that would require all US citizens to stand and salute the rainbow flag before every sporting event. The move comes just days after it became mandatory for US embassies to fly the rainbow flag – which is a symbol of pride and diversity for the LGBTQ+ community. The bill also states that, once The Village People’s song “YMCA” has finished playing, all event attendees will be required to kiss the nearest member of the same sex. “It can just be a tiny peck on the cheek – which really shouldn’t bother anyone who’s secure in their sexuality,” Kamala Harris told reporters. “What we’re trying to do here is promote love and equality. It’s not like we’re asking you to shove your tongue down a stranger’s throat. That comes once COVID is over.” Notably, writers of the bill say that they selected “YMCA” as a “common ground song,” since former president Donald Trump would play it without fail before all of his rallies. “People who are not used to treating everyone with love and equality can at least feel some comfort when they hear that old, familiar tune,” Harris confirmed.
Proving that Taylor Swift fans will buy anything she puts out, the singer’s newest album – which is comprised of just her farting – went platinum in only 10 minutes. Titled ‘Squeak Now,’ Swift’s latest album features farting that lasts for 13 tracks, or nearly 70 minutes. The singer also announced that she will be releasing a special edition album with commentary and two, live-version bonus tracks. Notably Swift says she made this album entirely by herself using all five restrooms in her Beverly Hills house. Photo Credit Eva Rinaldi
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth seekers are still calling BS on the entire story, pointing to the fact that the band is objectively terrible. “There’s no way in hell that 100 people, let alone thousands, would willingly attend a Smash Mouth concert,” a strongly worded fact check on Snopes.com read. “This is clearly a false flag operation with the intent of disguising the actual source of COVID infections and pinning blame on a poor group of musicians that are stuck in the recurring nightmare of playing ‘All Star’ for the rest of their lives.” Related – Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums Photo credit Eva Rinaldi
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as being emotionally jarring, unnerving, and incoherent. “Kyle lives in a world of mainstream, shitty pop with southern accents and lyrics about tractors, trucks, girls, jeans, boots, and beers which collides with heavy metal’s war, doom, misery, destruction and violent aggression,” Kyle’s girlfriend Becky Steadman stated. “With Kyle you never know what God-awful song will come on next, much less what he wants or who he is as a person.” As of Wednesday afternoon, Steadman said she was going to force Whitmore to pick just one type of music or she would be leaving him. “What I can’t do is sit here anymore and watch as Kyle wears his Iron Maiden and Judas Priest shirts with his cowboy boots and hat,” an emotional Steadman stated. “That’s no way to live.” Photo Credit Buckangel
The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move comes just a few hours after Cuban tweeted in response to a fan that said he won’t watch Mavericks games if any of the players kneel for the song: “I’m sick of the fake patriotic bullshit,” Cuban stated. “Kneel. Don’t kneel. Wear a hat. Take off your hat. Put your hand over your heart. Stand up. Sit down… Well, all that doesn’t matter anymore because I’m not going to let anyone play it.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Satan has one more soul today after talented country music legend Charlie Daniels passed away in a Nashville hospital this morning from a stroke. God says that Daniels’ famous song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was the main reason that the singer-songwriter will spend an eternity burning in hell. “For decades Daniels has been encouraging young men everywhere to make a deal with the Devil,” God stated. “But when that song peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1979, it was clear that Daniels had forgotten about the three most important people: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I want to send a clear message that there’s no winning when you make a deal with the Devil.” Upon hearing that Charlie Daniels would be tortured in hell for all eternity, countless country fans became outraged with God accusing the deity of not being able to separate reality from farcical storytelling.