Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why modern day racial inequality “isn’t all that bad.” Photo credit Jalal gerald Aro Advertisements
With the Federal Election Commission vice chairman Matthew Petersen stepping down the FEC is effectively shutdown, leaving no one to enforce campaign finance law. Congress is now debating whether to approve $35 in funding to post a job on Craigslist or just let the 2020 election completely go to shit.
After being called out on social media for having small crowds, paid attendees, and empty seats at rallies, the Trump reelection campaign has taken to filling seats with additional dummies. “This is a smart move by the Trump campaign; matching the substance and personalities of the waning remainder of his supporters,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper stated. “These dummies are made of fragile porcelain, are hollow inside and are incapable of thought – so they really couldn’t have done a better job.” “Trump rallies this election season looks like something straight out of a horror movie,” Cooper concluded. “Imagine an auditorium filled with a bunch of dummies all faced toward a walking, talking Russian puppet.”
A Georgia judge appointed by President Obama has ruled that the state can print their 2020 ballots in Russian. The ruling also struck down the use of archaic voting machines. “Since our electronic voting system is atrociously outdated and incredibly vulnerable, we’re making a compromise,” Judge Amy Totenberg stated. “We won’t be using the hackable electronic voting machines, but our election will still be welcoming to the Russians, which is all the Republicans seem to want right now.” Outspoken Republicans are condemning the ruling, claiming that obtaining proper IDs to vote on paper ballots in the 2020 election will be too difficult for the average Russian hacker. Photo credit WP Paarz
Trump went into vivid detail while describing the childhoods of famed rappers The Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur.
“I saw the whole thing. Very odd, very sad.” – Senator Bernie Sanders
“It’s our time now! The dawning of the age of the Reptilians is upon us!” – Mitch McConnell