A 73-year-old former frozen steak salesman is having a surprisingly hard time running an entire country despite having been a reality TV host. What do you think? Advertisements
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big man in the sky, I don’t know what you think you are doing, but you won’t mess this up for me!” a visibly angry Trump shouted. “I know that there are a lot of people dying, and we can deal with that, but I come before you today to ask for financial blessings to boost the American economy so I can get reelected.” Trump paused to fix his dentures which had come loose from his yelling before continuing on. “Rush Limbaugh keeps me strong, and I know Fox News will sustain me and my followers with alternative facts. But Lord, my wealthy friends and I do seek a large sum of money to maintain our current lifestyles and comforts. This won’t come unless you do something to get these heathen liberals to open up their states! Bottom line: you caused this, so you should fix it!” As he concluded his meandering speech, the president tried for a softer tone. “Finally Lord, we do thank you for providing for us. Specifically for giving us so many essential workers that are willing to risk their non-essential lives. May we never run out of them as we work to reopen this great nation earlier than the godless scientists say we should. The end. Err… I mean, ahh men!”
Congressman Justin Amash, a Republican-turned-independent from Michigan, took heat upon announcing his presidential bid after it was revealed that he has yet to be accused of any form of sexual misconduct. The revelation that Amash may be an unquestionably innocent man has many wondering if he is even qualified to be president. What do you think? Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an end to the one-sided exchange they decided to just let the 77-year-old Biden tire himself out. “At first Joe got confused because the mannequin wasn’t physically reacting to him. He isn’t used to being able to sniff and touch people like that without getting some sort of reaction. So that really threw him off,” an aide stated. “Then, when the mannequin wouldn’t speak to him, Joe completely lost it.” Indeed, the former vice president was whipped into a shouting frenzy after receiving the apparent cold shoulder; resulting in an off-colored rant that lasted for nearly three hours. “This chicken-headed, white-livered, unlicked cub wouldn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground!” Biden shouted at one point while inches from the mannequin’s face. “I bet you have a handshake like a wilted petunia! You’re all hat and no cattle! No! I mean it! I really do!” About an hour after the altercation, the Biden campaign released a statement. “If anything is clear it’s that Joe Biden has the stamina necessary to lead this nation. Anyone who can spend this much time and energy standing up for himself and what he believes in is clearly motivated to represent the American people,” the statement read. “Joe may very well be a geriatric whose hands, mind, and words wander, but his heart is in the right place.”
Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about to see a lot of morons die in Florida,” Stanford Political Science Professor Susan Watkins stated. “There’s no other way to put it. Within the next month, as these unfathomably ignorant people succumb to the virus, it’s safe to say that Florida will become a blue state.” In response, the Trump administration is beginning to call for early voting in Florida to start as soon as next week so that more conservatives in the state have a chance to vote before they die. The president has also made a complete 180-degree turn and started pushing for mail-in ballots, despite his own claims that the voting method is easily tampered with.
After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re basically the same person,” Trump told journalists. “We were both married multiple times to beautiful, young people. We are savvy business men, and we are both handsome men who enjoy the finer things in life.” Those close to the president say Trump is strongly considering pardoning Joe Exotic, having even suggested that Joe would make a great replacement for Mike Pence in the 2020 election. “Look, Joe’s a business man and entertainer-turned-politician just like me,” Trump stated. “And we both have great hair. Can’t forget that. So maybe we’ll replace Mike with Joe. Maybe. Just to spice things up a bit. We’ll see. We’ll see.” Notably, after finishing the Netflix series Trump was actually a huge fan of Carole Baskin before he was told by staffers that she was, in fact, a woman and not another long-haired man. “At first I thought the story was: rich-man-beats-gay-guy. But that wasn’t the case,” Trump stated. “The bottom line, if we can agree on anything, it’s that Carole Baskin is a total bitch who murdered her husband.” As of press time Melania Trump was being forced to return her newly purchased liger and was ordered to stop rubbing fish oil on the president.
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.