Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
A desperate, broke Donald Trump was overheard shouting “C’mon baby! Donny needs a new set of results!” as he rolled the dice again by sending yet another $3 million to Wisconsin to recount votes for a second time. “The president has a real problem and it’s quite sad,” one staffer confirmed. “Mr. Trump’s recount addiction has him stuck in a never-ending cycle of lies and deliberate distortion of facts. Unfortunately his supporters are enabling him as they keep giving the president donations whenever he asks.” Indeed, shortly after blowing another $3 million in Wisconsin, Trump made yet another plea for money. “I can get back all of those lost votes in Georgia and Pennsylvania if you just give me a couple million dollars,” a wild-eyed Trump told his followers “I swear, I’m good for it! Just send me the money and I’ll pay you back with a victory.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon
Staffers are reporting that the White House received a huge shipment of straws today after president Trump grasped at every last one he could find while trying to come up with a believable reason to overturn election results. “The president may have temporarily run out of straws, but he didn’t run out of additional challenges to the 2020 election,” one staffer stated. “With this new shipment of straws we expect that Mr. Trump will be able to contest the election for at least five or six more weeks.”
Having successfully rigged the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats are just now realizing that they forgot to cheat in all of the House and Senate races that took place across the country. “Whoops! We fixed the election for Joe Biden, but we totally forgot to cheat down-ballot,” political organizer Stacey Abrams stated. “We could have easily taken complete control of Congress if someone in our massive conspiracy had just thought of the idea. What a huge missed opportunity!” Despite their gross oversight, Democrats say that they plan to make up for it by cheating in Georgia’s January Senate runoff the same way they cheated in the presidential election: by organizing, registering people to vote, and helping them get to their polling places.
Joe Biden told reporters today in an afternoon press conference that his campaign is “so close to victory that he can sniff it” and that he “didn’t even have to creep up from behind this time.”
Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”