California Might Decriminalize Running Over Protesters Ahead Of Super Bowl

California governor Gavin Newsom announced today that the state is considering passing an emergency law that can give complete immunity to drivers who strike and injure protesters with their cars on public streets. The move comes a day before a … Continue reading California Might Decriminalize Running Over Protesters Ahead Of Super Bowl

Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart & Louis C.K. All Grammy Nominated For ‘Most Cancelled’ Award

Famous comedians Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart and Louis C.K. have all been Grammy nominated for the Most Cancelled award. The award, which is new this year, was created by the Grammy committee “to recognize how very real and unfair cancel … Continue reading Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart & Louis C.K. All Grammy Nominated For ‘Most Cancelled’ Award

Trans People Not Oppressed Enough To Be Left Alone By Dave Chappelle

Comedian Dave Chappelle is attempting to legitimize his new Netflix comedy special that focused almost entirely on disparaging transgender individuals. Chappelle gave a brief statement today. “Some minority groups haven’t suffered enough for me,” Chappelle grinned while taking a puff … Continue reading Trans People Not Oppressed Enough To Be Left Alone By Dave Chappelle

Fast food restaurants back to being fully staffed after only fans bans sexual content

Fast Food Restaurants Back To Being Fully-Staffed After Only Fans Bans Sexual Content

Fast food restaurants are fully-staffed once again after popular porn site Only Fans announced today that it will no longer be allowing sexual content on their platform. Here’s what people are saying: McDonald’s photo credit Paul Sableman Continue reading Fast Food Restaurants Back To Being Fully-Staffed After Only Fans Bans Sexual Content

anti science anti mask anti pope anti vaxxer just saying no to everything at this point

Anti-Science Anti-Mask Anti-Pope Anti-Vaxxer Just Saying ‘No’ To Everything At This Point

(Knoxville, TN) Local man Brian McMillan, who is an anti-science, anti-mask, anti-pope, anti-vaxxer has found himself so against everything that he’s now stuck saying no to everyone no matter what. McMillan says the new affliction has caused him to regret … Continue reading Anti-Science Anti-Mask Anti-Pope Anti-Vaxxer Just Saying ‘No’ To Everything At This Point

Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

Former president Donald Trump announced his “own brand” of vaccine today that was immediately rejected by the scientific community after being identified as literal snake oil. Despite what experts are saying, millions of Republicans have lined up to take the … Continue reading Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

NFL Pushes For Vaccinations: ‘We’d Prefer Our Players Die From Head Trauma In Retirement’

The NFL released guidelines today informing teams that COVID-19 outbreaks among unvaccinated players could lead to forfeited games in the upcoming football season. Some people are saying that the move is basically a mandate for players to get vaccinated. The … Continue reading NFL Pushes For Vaccinations: ‘We’d Prefer Our Players Die From Head Trauma In Retirement’

welders favorite pastime is telling people to get a job in the trades

Man Who Works In The Trades Favorite Pastime Is Telling Everyone To Get A Job In The Trades

MILWAUKEE, WI – Local man and proud welder Joseph Stallsworth says that his favorite pastime is telling anyone who will listen to go out and get a job in the trades. “It doesn’t matter if we are complete strangers or … Continue reading Man Who Works In The Trades Favorite Pastime Is Telling Everyone To Get A Job In The Trades

Israeli palestinian conflict ice cream

Ben & Jerry’s To Release New Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ice Cream That’s Just Chocolate & Vanilla That Refuses To Mix

Known for dabbling in politics, ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s is set to release a new ‘Israeli-Palestinian Conflict’ flavor that’s just chocolate and vanilla that is impossible to mix together. “What you’re basically getting here is the choice to … Continue reading Ben & Jerry’s To Release New Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ice Cream That’s Just Chocolate & Vanilla That Refuses To Mix

Melania Trump One Year Closer to Aging Out of Marriage Contract

Melania Trump celebrated her 50th birthday today, bringing her one year closer to being released from the marriage contract she signed with husband Donald Trump in 2005. The First Lady, who inked a 20-year agreement with the president, is now … Continue reading Melania Trump One Year Closer to Aging Out of Marriage Contract

Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House

(Grand Forks, North Dakota) Local man and archeologist Daniel Radsky finally cracked today and began digging up his flooring after giving in to a stir crazy madness caused by sheer boredom. “In retrospect, I should have focused on the basement,” … Continue reading Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House

Pro Lifers Chant ‘My Body, My Choice!’ While Spreading COVID-19, Killing Others

Swarms of conservatives surrounded Pennsylvania’s capitol building in Harrisburg today while chanting the popular pro-choice phrase “My body, my choice!” all while ignoring social distancing rules and undoubtedly spreading the coronavirus to one another. With rallies like this taking place … Continue reading Pro Lifers Chant ‘My Body, My Choice!’ While Spreading COVID-19, Killing Others

Could Something in Your Pantry Kill You? This Man Will Find Out Tonight by Eating Everything in There!

It’s true that we’re surrounded every day by items and objects that could kill us, but are there things lurking in your pantry that could also kill you? Yes. The answer is yes. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON’T … Continue reading Could Something in Your Pantry Kill You? This Man Will Find Out Tonight by Eating Everything in There!

CDC Get Used to Walking Around in One of These

CDC: ‘Get Used to Walking Around in One of These Fucking Things’

The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to … Continue reading CDC: ‘Get Used to Walking Around in One of These Fucking Things’

Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good

1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will … Continue reading Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good