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(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into.
With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for money. “Look folks. It’s not that hard. Okay? It really isn’t. You pick up the phone. You press a few numbers – beep boop beep. Call your dad and ask for some money,” Trump stated. “In my experience you can get four, maybe even five hundred million dollars. That amount should hold you over for the next few months.”
Unable to maintain their signature haircut or find a manager to demand to speak to, Karens everywhere have completely lost control of the only aspects of their lives they ever had a handle on. “It’s bad out there folks. Karens are getting harder to identify as their hair grows out” Karen expert Ashley Kitchings stated. “So, if you do have to go outside, we recommend that you bring binoculars and keep at least shouting distance away from all potential Karens.” Citizens should also be aware of what they are wearing when they leave the house. “Absolutely under no circumstance should anyone ever wear khakis and a red shirt or you will be mistaken for a Target employee,” Kitchings stated. “In general khakis are a bad idea.” In addition to the shortage of managers and closed hair salons, Karens are now being bombarded with news about vaccines. “Karens are almost exclusively anti-vaxxers, so the coronavirus situation and talks of vaccines is driving them wild,” Kitchings stated. “They’re now deeply torn on the issue because on one hand they want to be right, but on the other they don’t want to die.” As of press time a “complaint of Karens” – the term for a large group of Karens – was headed toward a Kansas City Walmart to purchase and then angrily return items. Experts believe that it’s only a matter of time before Karens across the US find out that Walmarts, and several other stores, are still open.
In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating will be allowed,” President Frank-Walter Steinmeier confirmed. The move has both raised suspicions and sparked outrage in the global community. What do you think?
(Ann Arbor, MI) Dressed in black and under the cover of darkness, the neighbors of Chad and Karen Seymour opened their hearts and supply rooms to donate $1,000 worth of toilet paper directly to the couple’s front lawn, porch, trees, roof, cars, and mailbox. “They truly deserved it,” one neighbor confirmed while speaking on condition of anonymity. “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple.” This morning the Mayor of Ann Arbor Christopher Taylor spoke out. “Our city is setting an example in creative giving,” Taylor stated. “We encourage everyone to share their supplies with neighbors in need. Even if they were complete assholes like the Seymor’s.”
A new study by UCLA has identified a subsection of pickup truck drivers that have even smaller penises than the average truck owner: men with lifted trucks. The conclusive findings clearly show that there is an inverse correlation between truck size and penis size. “It’s pretty simple,” head researcher Timothy Dunkirk stated. “The bigger the truck, the smaller the penis. An easy way to remember is: truck tall, penis small.” Notably, the study also found that men who outfit their diesel trucks to belch out a giant clouds of black smoke – also known as “rolling coal” – often suffer from undescended testicles; or have none at all.