(Green Bay, WI) Local man Justin Loughty says he’s tired of being called a racist just because he hates minorities. Loughty says he’s being unfairly discriminated against his whole life and that he plans to start a group that will welcome everyone in the area – no matter who they are – so long as they look and think just like him. “I also want an inclusive, protected area or space; something for guys like me,” Loughty stated. “Something for guys who find friends by using a variation of the n-word – such as ‘ninja’ – when around unfamiliar company. You know, people who throw the white power hand sign as a ‘joke’. Simple things like that.” Loughty says the final straw for him was when his daughter brought her black boyfriend from college home. “He had the nerve to call me racist! I know in my heart that I don’t feel racist, but my daughter will not be dating a black guy!” Loughty shouted. “I didn’t even know we had those around here and we aren’t giving grandma a stroke.” As of press time, Loughty had decided not to start his own group as he found that at least four similar organizations already existed in Wisconsin. Advertisements
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor denied any wrongdoing. “Everyone in that precinct was given an equal opportunity to vote at a slightly decentralized location. No favorites were played,” Kemp stated. “So you could say that everyone was in the same boat – so long as they made the one and only 8 a.m. ferry going to oil platform P-51.” More as this story develops.
Just before unveiling a sweeping police reform bill in response to George Floyd’s murder and the resulting worldwide protests, Democrats caused an uproar when they decided to take a knee in the U.S. capitol while sporting African neck rings and showing off freshly pierced septums. The failed display of solidarity initially brought strong backlash from the black community until it was revealed by the Congressional Black Caucus that the entire ordeal was just an elaborate prank played on white members of Congress. “We wanted to see how far we could get them to go. So we told them to do it.” Black Caucus Chair Karen Bass laughed. “White people are always so on edge when it comes to the topic of race and this time we just couldn’t help ourselves.” As of press time, the Congressional Black Caucus said it was in the process of convincing Mitt Romney to get cornrows.
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.
Joe Biden issued a stunning correction today after claiming that “10 to 15% of Americans are not very good people.” Rather than try to smooth things over, Biden doubled down. “I am deeply sorry if I have offended anyone with my estimate. I realize I was wrong and that Mr. Trump’s approval rating is, somehow, much higher,” Biden stated. “So with that being said, I would like to correct the record now by stating that at least 40% of Americans are rinky dinky chicken shits. That’s right you cowards, I said it! They’re a bunch of white-livered, gollumpus, grumbletonian bootlickers following a bedswerving, muck-spout of a klazomaniac!” Biden then went on to tell reporters a story about his old buddy Dan and ‘the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy’ (read more). Photo Credit Phil Roeder
Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know what the godless liberals think they’re doing out there protesting in the streets after telling everyone to stay home. There’s no such thing as racism nowadays,” Davies stated while noticing an approaching group. “All I can tell you is that this black family had better not set up right next to me on this pure white, pristine sand. Because of… umm you know… because of the coronavirus.” Unhappy with the family’s “proximity,” Davies then packed up her things while throwing a fit and called 9-1-1 to let police know that a group of black people had encroached on her personal space, making her fear for her safety.
A 73-year-old former frozen steak salesman is having a surprisingly hard time running an entire country despite having been a reality TV host. What do you think?