In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!” Advertisements
President Trump left a depressing tweet up for nearly an hour before deleting it and tweeting out that “SAD” stands for “syked and determined.”
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r
President Trump included over 1,750 nude photos of himself with whistleblower evidence that he sent to House Democrats. The naked images are making it nearly impossible for investigators to sift through information without becoming violently ill. “The impeachment inquiry is on hold until someone, and I mean anyone – because we’re taking volunteers here – if anyone can manage to remove the interwoven pile of disgusting imagery, ” Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated. “So if you can handle cottage cheese thighs and a tiny penis with no balls, please contact me today.” Because of the lewd photos inclusion in the evidence, a charge of obstruction of justice has been added to the list of Trump’s transgressions.
Hours after an incriminating interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani came sprinting back on set shouting something about Ukraine; interrupting a live broadcast by anchor Brooke Baldwin. Fuming mad, Giuliani began flailing around and screeching before tearing off his clothes and chasing guest Shaun Harper with his asscheeks. Photo Credit Mishimoto88
Mensa – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – released a public statement today voicing concern over president Trump’s mental faculties. In a sympathetic letter, the organization strongly recommended that the president either resign or be impeached. “The president, who has a calculated IQ of precisely 70.679, has been victimized for his disability via public prejudice and scorn,” the document stated. “Mr. Trump should not be shamed or ridiculed because he is mentally incapable of fulfilling the role of President of the United States. He is, legally speaking, mentally handicapped.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon