Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the race today after claiming he could speak Norwegian, but then failing to correctly pronounce Menneskerettighetsorganisasjonene; a word that means ‘human rights organizations.’ An embarrassed Buttigieg immediately apologized for his error and ended his campaign in disgrace. Meanwhile, in a tweet, president Trump mocked Buttigieg, stating “Little Mayor Pete just revealed himself as a lier and offended all of Skandiñavia. Pathetic. Good riddants.” Advertisements
It’s no secret that the left and right are clashing harder than ever, so much so that large swaths of MAGA conservatives have become closeted out of fear for their personal safety. In fact, in the past month a 15-year old MAGA-hat-wearing boy was slapped by a grown man and, in another incident, a man ran over chairs and tables at a Republican voter registration booth with his car. The two assaults truly depict how hard it is to come out as MAGA in the US today. With experts estimating that at least 37% of the population is MAGA to some degree, countless right wing individuals are having to deal with discrimination for the first time in their lives. “Nobody can imagine what it’s like for us,” an anonymous MAGA man stated. “For someone to tell me that my love for the president is wrong. To shame me for who I am. Well that’s not the America I grew up in! That’s not how you treat your fellow man.” Meanwhile, some political experts are suggesting a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell approach in which people who identify as MAGA can support the president, but must do so quietly.
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a repeat of Iowa will cause disarray within the Democratic Party and give Trump the upper hand in the presidential election. Notably, the decision came just days ago that Nevada caucus sites would be using the pre-loaded app on iPads to record results. To further shroud the whole situation in mystery, the Democratic Party has refused to disclose who created the application, but says it will “work like a charm.” Voters’ rights groups are understandably concerned about how the app has been designed and deployed. What do you think? “Should we shoot ourselves in the same foot again? Or should we shoot the other foot so we have nothing left to stand on?” – Maureen Dimpsey, Life-long Democrat, Art History Teacher “What’s wrong with paper? Did the Russians hack our paper mills?” – Dennis Feldman, Retired Paper Salesman “Good technology needs proper design, proper testing, and proper training. In that spirit, we hope to have the app intuitively designed by 2024, rigorously tested by 2028 and ready for use by 2032. Mark my words: There will be no fifth term for this corrupt president.” – Bill McCurdy, Nevada State Democratic Party Chair
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched into an impassioned, unwarranted, 50-minute presidential acceptance speech. “Wow!” a wide-eyed Buttigieg shouted while waving a copy of the poll toward the crowd. “If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; if anyone out there still wonders if the dream of our founding fathers is alive and well today; if anyone out there questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer!” The murmuring, confused crowd looked on as Buttigieg continued his finely-polished speech. “It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, a time of healing and rebirth has come to the United States of America,” an emotional Buttigieg sobbed. “I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 5 years. I want to thank my partner in this journey we call life, the man who gives me strength and keeps me grounded – My husband Chasten.” The two men then kissed, giving Rush Limbaugh cancer in his other lung, before Buttigieg concluded while pointing toward his bewildered, offstage campaign team. “To my campaign manager, Mike Schmuhl; my spokesperson, Lis Smith; and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics — you made this happen.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
Minnesota Senator and moderate presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar is one step closer to her dream of becoming Secretary of State after finishing third in the New Hampshire primary. A smiling Klobuchar told a crowd at her rally in South Carolina today that “it’s all going according to plan.” “My campaign has always been about carrying out underwhelming, minimal change – I don’t do revolutions – and that’s why I’ve always secretly been shooting for the Secretary of State role, not president; you can only achieve so much.” Klobuchar told a stunned crowd. “With your continued slightly-above-average support, together we can hopefully make a barely noticeable difference in the somewhat distant future.” Photo by Gage Skidmore
After Republicans blocked witnesses and evidence in the Democrat’s first attempt at impeaching the president, Nancy Pelosi now says they will have to go ahead and impeach Donald Trump for a second time in order to tell the public the complete, true story. “Not only is another impeachment going to happen, but it is absolutely necessary,” a wide-eyed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated. “We have plenty of new witnesses and evidence to pile on, we just have to start the whole process over again.” Democrats claim that just because no president has ever been impeached more than once doesn’t mean they can’t do it. Indeed, nothing in the law says that it can’t happen. “There is no ‘one-and-done’ clause in the Constitution shielding presidents from multiple impeachments,” Pelosi stated while blinking for the first time in 30 minutes. “You don’t get acquitted and then get a free pass thereafter.” Democrats say that the second impeachment of Donald Trump will begin sometime in the middle of February and end in exactly the same way as the last impeachment.
Countless Americans are up-in-arms after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi took her copy of president Trump’s State of the Union speech and tore it into pieces. Pelosi says that compared to what the president has said and done that she is more than comfortable standing by her actions. “I did it and I’d do it again,” Pelosi grinned. “I moved on that speech like a bitch, grabbed it right by the title, and tore it apart – because when you’re Speaker they let you do it!”