“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.”
“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”
“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”
“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase.
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.”
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
“Milwaukee should brace itself for about 700 campaign rallies in the next 603 days.” – Gov. Tony Evers
“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.”
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“Crazy Bernie wants people working 40+ hours a week to be able to pay bills, not rely on our perfectly good government programs that the middle class funds. That’s crazy Bernie for ya. So Un-American folks!” – Trump
“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump