Men across the globe are abandoning meat overnight after a groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed that a healthy, plant-based diet is directly linked to increased blood flow, penis size, and harder erections. The study found that 89% of men who … Continue reading BREAKING: Most Men Worldwide Convert to Veganism After Study Shows Diet Increases Penis Size
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to “simplify communication across America,” President Donald Trump has signed an executive order declaring that all spoken word, news, television, and publications must be stated or written in “fifth-grade English or lower.” “This … Continue reading Makes ‘English Limited to 5th Grade Level’ Official Language of U.S.
In a move that’s shocked constitutional scholars, President Trump announced late Sunday night that the Department of Justice has officially been dissolved. Gone are the days of the DOJ standing in the way of his personal goals. In its place? … Continue reading Trump Dismantles DOJ: ‘It’s Now the Department of Just Us, Only Me and Elon’
In a fiery new rant, former President Donald Trump has claimed that Pope Francis is “possessed by a demon,” following the Vatican leader’s condemnation of several Trump administration policies. The Pope, who is known for advocating for social justice, peace, … Continue reading Trump Says “Pope Francis is Possessed” After Leader of Church Condemns His Policies
President Donald Trump is set to join NFL legend Tom Brady in the broadcast booth for at least part of Super Bowl LIX, providing what he calls “the greatest, most tremendous live game analysis in history!” The surprise, last-minute announcement … Continue reading BREAKING: Trump to Call Super Bowl with Tom Brady in Surprise Live Broadcast: “Too Many Foreign Names on the Field, If You Ask Me”
In a groundbreaking moment for both politics and technology, President Donald Trump’s second inauguration — held indoors at the U.S. Capitol Rotunda due to precedented levels of January cold — allegedly broke attendance records with the help of Elon Musk’s … Continue reading Trump Claims Elon Musk’s Space Expansion Tech Let 2.6 Million People Attend His Indoor Inauguration
President Joe Biden announced today that he will personally certify the election of Senator J.D. Vance as President of the United States on January 6, 2025, citing Donald Trump’s disqualification under Section 3 of the 14th Amendment. The clause, originally … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden Will Certify Election for J.D. Vance: ‘Trump is Disqualified After Insurrection’
(And Maybe Even Become Your New Breast Friend!) Zoom has partnered with Pornhub to release a new feature aimed at helping citizens in Florida, Arkansas, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, and Virginia … Continue reading New Zoom Feature Bypasses Porn ID Law: Screen-Sharing Samaritans Will Help You Get Off
In a bold move to address escalating tensions between Americans and the healthcare industry, UnitedHealth Group has announced a groundbreaking partnership with gun retailers and the National Rifle Association (NRA). The initiative offers steep discounts on premiums and bills to gun owners, … Continue reading UnitedHealth & NRA Partner with Retailers to Offer Incredible Discounts for Gun Buyers Who ‘Look Ready to Snap’
In a shocking move that has sent waves through yacht clubs and boardrooms alike, life insurance companies nationwide have begun dropping billionaires and multi-millionaires from their policies, citing them as “too high risk.” The unprecedented decision comes on the heels … Continue reading Life Insurance Companies Drop Coverage for All Billionaires & Ultra Wealthy Due to “High Risk Choices”
REDMOND, WA—Nintendo has announced their boldest game yet: Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma, a high-octane spinoff where everyone’s favorite mustachioed plumber-turned-physician finally takes aim at the real villains—yacht-owning healthcare executives. In this groundbreaking addition to the franchise, players will guide Mario … Continue reading Nintendo’s New ‘Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma’ Lets You Drop Giant Pills Directly on Yacht-Owning Executives
In a stunning reversal, former President Donald Trump announced today that he was rescinding his appointment of Congressman Matt Gaetz as Attorney General, citing what he called a “small misreading of handwritten notes.” “I didn’t mean the Attorney General,” Trump clarified in … Continue reading Trump Revokes Matt Gaetz Attorney General Appointment, Says He Meant Gaetz ‘Needs an Attorney, in General’
In a bold counter to Elon Musk’s ‘Cash for Votes’ scheme, Kamala Harris has introduced an innovative idea: complete student loan forgiveness for anyone living in a swing state that she wins during the Presidential election. “Those in key swing … Continue reading Kamala Harris Announces Student Loan Forgiveness For All Residents In Swing States She Wins
Trump added that babies from Scandinavian countries would be automatically exempt from testing, claiming, “They have great genes—very clean, very hardworking. But we’ll be keeping a close eye on the others.” Continue reading Trump’s New Gene Testing Initiative Will Preemptively Arrest ‘Ethnic Babies’ With ‘Bad DNA’
When the wealthiest among us keep accumulating and locking away more and more money, two things can happen: 1. If governments don’t print more money, the rest of us — especially the poor and growing populations — face a scarcity … Continue reading Why We Can’t Ignore Wealth Hoarding Anymore
Donald Trump claims to have narrowly survived 13 assassination attempts within 24 hours at the hands of Taylor Swift fans. The chaos began several hours after Trump posted, “I hate Taylor Swift,” on social media, igniting a firestorm online that … Continue reading Taylor Swift Tells Swifties “Stand Back & Stand By” After Trump Survives 13 Assassination Attempts in 24 Hours
🥂🍻🥃🍷 I BET AT LEAST 10%-15% of the 🇺🇸 U.S. is ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL 🍾🍺🍶 THERE’S AT LEAST 7 EMOJIS FOR IT 🤣😿 😈🥬💨 It’s FAR worse than the devil’s lettuce. Nobody talks about it, yet it’s everywhere—on TV, in … Continue reading I BET AT LEAST 10%-15% of the 🇺🇸 U.S. is ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL
