Matt Gaetz slipped up today when he asked a crowd of his supporters if he could have paid for sex using dandelions. The question came after Gaetz stated that it was ridiculous for Joe Biden to pick a dandelion for his wife Jill before they boarded Marine One. “Is this considered a romantic gesture?” Gaetz asked. “Even if this is something that women like, there’s definitely something childish and way off about Biden.” “Speaking of children, do they all like dandelions? Do you think I could have enticed those underage girls by using dandelions as payment? Would that have made it legal since flowers aren’t a currency?” Gaetz asked out loud before a stunned crowd. Members of Gaetz staff then quickly rushed him off the stage before issuing a statement that the politician was not feeling well. “Mr. Gaetz has seasonal allergies that sometimes make it hard for him to speak or think clearly. Today’s allergic reaction was likely brought on by Joe Biden picking that weed out of the ground and spreading dandelion seeds across the continental United States.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Fox News host Tucker Carlson spent an entire hour last night attacking the Biden family for allegedly declawing the new White House cat. The decision to focus on the topic came despite the fact that nobody at Fox had confirmed if the animal had undergone the barbaric procedure. “If anything, cat paws are just a smaller version of bear arms, and we all know that we have the right to bear arms,” Tucker Carlson shouted at the camera while putting on cat ears. “Shall not be infringed means shall not be infringed! You can take our claws from our cold dead paws! Meow! Meow! Meeeooowwww!” Carlson yelled while leaping up on top of his desk. Carlson then went on to debate whether or not a cat’s paws constitute an automatic or semi-automatic weapon and just what kind of ammunition the claws themselves would equate to. The unhinged anchor – who by this point had painted cat whiskers on his face while referring to the Second Amendment as the “Second A-MEOW-ndment” – decided that a cat’s paws and claws are “automatic and hollow-point” after describing how felines utilize the appendage and how the claws themselves are physically structured. As of press time, Tucker Carlson Tonight was still the number one most-watched cable news show, despite Fox News admitting that Carlson is not ‘stating actual facts’ about the topics he discusses and is instead engaging in ‘exaggeration’ and ‘non-literal commentary.’ Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
A Republican nightmare is unfolding as House Democrats passed a bill today that would require all US citizens to stand and salute the rainbow flag before every sporting event. The move comes just days after it became mandatory for US embassies to fly the rainbow flag – which is a symbol of pride and diversity for the LGBTQ+ community. The bill also states that, once The Village People’s song “YMCA” has finished playing, all event attendees will be required to kiss the nearest member of the same sex. “It can just be a tiny peck on the cheek – which really shouldn’t bother anyone who’s secure in their sexuality,” Kamala Harris told reporters. “What we’re trying to do here is promote love and equality. It’s not like we’re asking you to shove your tongue down a stranger’s throat. That comes once COVID is over.” Notably, writers of the bill say that they selected “YMCA” as a “common ground song,” since former president Donald Trump would play it without fail before all of his rallies. “People who are not used to treating everyone with love and equality can at least feel some comfort when they hear that old, familiar tune,” Harris confirmed.
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to as the “Stimulus Only Redeemable if Representatives said Yes” – or the S.O.R.R.Y. rule. – and will leave all registered Republicans in the United States without much-needed funds in the face of economic turmoil brought on by the coronavirus pandemic.
A change of plans for Qanon believers took place today after the group claimed that black smoke rose from the Capitol building’s chimney, indicating that a new president wouldn’t be inaugurated on this day. The group’s anonymous leader – ‘Q’ – wrote online that Trump’s March 4th inauguration was postponed until April 1st “due to threats of violence by Antifa at the Capitol again.” “We’ll see white smoke rise from that chimney on April 1st meaning Mr. Trump will be inaugurated,” the Qanon leader wrote in an online statement. “We just couldn’t do it today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen next time. Stay strong!” As of press time almost nobody knew what the fuck ‘Q’ was talking about as the Capitol building doesn’t even have a chimney. Meanwhile, Qanon believers were marking their calendars for April Fools’ Day with feverish anticipation of Trump’s second term. Photo Credit (mod) EEBS27
During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”