In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
House Republicans have agreed to a proposal by representative Matt Gaetz’s (R-FL) requiring that every committee meeting start by singing the National Anthem 3 times and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance 10 times in a row. The move comes despite the fact that the entire House of Representatives already recites the Pledge of Allegiance at the beginning of each day’s session. “If Democrats aren’t willing to join us, then I think it makes it pretty clear where they stand. They are Antifa, socialist-communists who hate America,” Gaetz stated before hugging, kissing and then gently humping the American flag. “The pledge and anthem are two of the greatest weapons given to true patriots in their battle against evil. So I just don’t understand why Democrats can’t say these simple, virtuous words signaling dedication, faith and allegiance to our great flag and nation. This is – without a doubt – far worse than inciting a so-called insurrection.” In response to Republican outcry, Democrats released a statement that read: “We already say the pledge at the beginning of the day. What representative Gaetz is suggesting is pure performative bullshit. So if the Republicans want to waste 15 minutes of every meeting – amounting to hundreds of millions of wasted taxpayer dollars throughout the course of a year – us Democrats will be spending that time doing real work for the American corporations people.”
Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. “We’ve been trying to fix our economy for what seems like forever,” Maduro stated. “I saw the news and I decided to roll the dice.” Indeed, Venezuela has been hit incredibly hard in the past years with political corruption, unemployment, shortages of food and medicine, human rights violations, and the closure of countless companies. “I put the last of our money in and got nine shares of GameStop,” Maduro stated. “Some people might say it’s stupid to risk money when you don’t really have any, but at this point who really cares? A la luna. ¡Vamanos!”
Authorities confirmed today that Marjorie Taylor Greene – an armed, hostile and mentally unstable woman that has been terrorizing congressional colleagues – is actually an escaped psych ward patient named Karen Lynn McConnell. Reportedly the estranged sister of Senator Mitch McConnell, the congresswoman was taken into custody this morning for questioning before being heavily medicated and returned to Eastern State Hospital in Kentucky. As of press time, law enforcement was still searching for Karen Lynn McConnell’s missing roommate Lauren Boebert who authorities say is “also a grave danger to society that could very well be hiding in plain sight.”
Members of the white nationalist, neo-fascist, far-right political organization the Proud Boys say they feel “shocked and betrayed” after finding out that their non-white leader Enrique Tarrio is likely to be a an FBI informant and that he might have been working against them. What do you think? Photo Credit Mohammed Berrada
Having already claimed that school shootings like Sandy Hook and Parkland we’re false flag operations and that 9/11 was an inside job, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene stated in a press conference today that “not only is Bigfoot real, but he’s an alien that came to earth because he was attracted by chemtrails.” “On any given day you can look up in the sky and see chemtrails shooting out the backs of airplanes. There’s no other scientific explanation for them. And it’s these very chemicals that attracted Bigfoot to our planet in the first place.” a wide-eyed Green stated. “On top of this, there have been more than 2,300 Bigfoot sightings in Washington state alone. Let that sink in.” Greene added that she’s “confident Bigfoot is blurry in real life,” stating that “all you have to do is look at the mountains of photographic evidence and you’ll see that every single photo is fuzzy or unclear.” As of press time Republicans in Congress had released a brief statement which read: “Although many of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s stances are out of the norm, she would have to say or do something far worse in order to be considered unfit for office – such as receiving oral sex from an intern.”