Joe Biden: “When I’m elected everyone will get a free gramophone!”

YouReadyGrandma

Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why modern day racial inequality “isn’t all that bad.” Photo credit Jalal gerald Aro Advertisements

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John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor

YouReadyGrandma

After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for our game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The correct answer is always going to be fuck Afghanistan, marry Kim Jong-un, kill Iran. So the stache is out.” As of press time, Bolton’s mustache had already accepted a position as a contributor at FOX News. Photo by Gage Skidmore

Trump just invited the Taliban to ‘fly into Trump Tower’ with a poorly-worded tweet

YouReadyGrandma

With the 9/11 meeting fast approaching, the Taliban says they’re ready to make a really big impact.

Ted Cruz fights bill banning members of Congress from watching porn at work

The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.

Congress divided between total FEC shutdown or posting a job on Craigslist

YouReadyGrandma

With the Federal Election Commission vice chairman Matthew Petersen stepping down the FEC is effectively shutdown, leaving no one to enforce campaign finance law. Congress is now debating whether to approve $35 in funding to post a job on Craigslist or just let the 2020 election completely go to shit.

Brave, Marginalized Heterosexuals Hold Pride Parades Across Nation

YouReadyGrandma

“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”

Somewhat vigilant Americans order last round of breadsticks before boycotting Olive Garden

YouReadyGrandma

After learning that Olive Garden’s parent company donates to the Trump campaign, liberals everywhere are asking for one last tinfoil bag of over-salted, buttery goodness before never setting foot in the glorified salad bar again. As of press time, boycotters had already begun purchasing TV dinners as a less expensive, higher quality alternative to the restaurant’s entrees.

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