Spike In Michigan Football Players Having Unprotected Sex & STDs After Coach Says He’ll Raise Any Unwanted Babies

Reports are pouring in that University of Michigan football players are almost exclusively having unprotected sex ever since head coach Jim Harbaugh announced that he would gladly raise any of their unwanted babies.

According to some players, Harbaugh was absolutely livid when he learned of his team’s actions and that nine women had already been impregnated.

“No! No! No! I don’t care if it ‘feels better!’ This isn’t what I meant!” Harbaugh reportedly screamed at his players during a team meeting today. “You know. Maybe the starters don’t need to wear condoms. That way I can raise some stellar football players. But everyone else needs to wrap it up. No more barebacking it for the second and third string!”

As of press time, Harbaugh had changed his mind and was now demanding that all players practice “total and complete abstinence” after nearly half of his starters came down with sexually transmitted diseases.

“We’ve already been given the go-ahead to start funneling money from some of the women’s sports programs here at the University of Michigan,” Harbaugh confirmed. “That way we can get extra money for me to raise these kids and also provide my men with some Porn Hub subscriptions to hold them over during the season.”

Photo credit Maize & Blue Nation

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