Astronauts ‘Just Happy to Leave Earth Before Everything Goes to Hell’

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White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too

Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly

Failed Frozen Steak Salesman Turned Reality TV Host Somehow Not Good at Leading a Nation

A 73-year-old former frozen steak salesman is having a surprisingly hard time running an entire country despite having been a reality TV host. What do you think?

Officer Shouts ‘They’ve All Got a Gun!’ After Wheeling WWI Canon Into Crowd

Police officers are under investigation for grand theft and possession of a prohibited weapon after wheeling a WWI cannon from nearby Gold Medal Park and leaving it in a crowd of protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Three officers have been put on administrative leave and could also face charges for defacing property and planting false evidence.

Breaking: New Trump Rules on Social Media Could Land You on a Government Watch List

With an early version of the president’s latest executive order having been shown to the press, reporters are now saying that Donald Trump plans to create “government watch lists” based on how users interact and behave on social media. Trump says the government will also be the judge of whether or not a social media platform has engaged in unfair or deceptive censorship and will be providing a way for users to submit complaints to the Department of Justice and the Federal Trade Commission. What do you think?

Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

YouReadyGrandma

A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.”

Future Murderer Torn Between Becoming a Serial Killer or a Police Officer

YouReadyGrandma

Confident that he’d like to murder at least one person, 17-year-old Thomas Wilkins of Genesee, Wisconsin says he’s torn between becoming a serial killer or a police officer. “Next year I’ll be 18, which means I’ll be old enough to become a police officer in this state,” Wilkins stated. “So I’m weighing out the pros and cons of each option.” Wilkins says that although he’d like the fame and notoriety that comes with being a serial killer, he’s also intrigued by the idea of killing a minority without consequence. “Sure, I’d love to have a horror movie or two made about me. Cops don’t really become legends like serial killers,” Wilkins stated. “On the other hand, I do like the feeling of absolute power that comes with authority.” As of press time, Wilkins said he was leaning toward becoming a police officer because he’d have a whole department covering up his crimes instead of trying to hunt him down.

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