The jobs report is in and unemployment has dipped to 3.5% after over 225,000 Americans finally made the dream of owning and operating their very own Etsy shop a reality. What do you think? Advertisements
Presidential candidate and mayor of South Bend, Indiana Pete Buttigieg raised more than $23 million in the month of November by letting Grindr users pay to go on dates with him. The gay dating app, which tells users how far away other men are from each other, allowed Buttigieg to essentially speed date no matter his location.
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced hedge-creeper, and a jollocksed mutton shunter all locked and loaded,” Jong-un confirmed. “That pigeon-livered, rat-brained hornswoggler has no idea what’s coming!”
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
Amazon President Jeff Bezos made a public apology today after it was revealed that the company was selling Christmas ornaments with pictures of Auschwitz on them. “First and foremost We’re sorry,” Bezos stated. “We’re now really going to force everyone in our product camp to concentrate on product quality. Gun to their heads I’m sure they’ll do a better job.” Bezos also confirmed that Amazon had already taken all offensive products off of the site. “Again, were sorry. It’s a long, hard race to the top and sometimes we lose site of the details. We’re going to try to master that race and I sincerely hope this mistake doesn’t Holo-cost us.” Photo credit Paul VanDerWerf