Inside Source: Hunter Biden’s Defective Laptop Keeps Playing ‘Someone Like You’ – Most Likely Because It’s A Dell

An anonymous informant from inside the FBI leaked to reporters today that authorities are still trying to learn what’s on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Apparently, the device is driving agents crazy because it plays the same song when powered on and … Continue reading Inside Source: Hunter Biden’s Defective Laptop Keeps Playing ‘Someone Like You’ – Most Likely Because It’s A Dell

Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers

A large group of angry conservatives took to social media today to announce a boycott of Petco and PetSmart after learning that both American pet retailers engage in the act of grooming. “Now they’re even going after our pets!” Fox … Continue reading Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers

Jeff Bezos: ‘If Elon Musk Really Cares So Much About Humanity Why Does He Keep The Secret To Hair Regrowth To Himself?’

The ongoing feud between Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos took a strange and personal turn today when Bezos posted a tweet questioning Musk’s philanthropy and clearly implying that the Tesla CEO doesn’t do nearly as much as he could to … Continue reading Jeff Bezos: ‘If Elon Musk Really Cares So Much About Humanity Why Does He Keep The Secret To Hair Regrowth To Himself?’

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Trump Says He Was ‘Unaware’ That Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un & Jared Fogle Would Take The Stage With Him

President Trump held a surprise rally late this morning in which Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Jared Fogle all appeared on stage with him. When asked to explain why they were all there, Trump tried to skirt the issue. “Putin? … Continue reading Trump Says He Was ‘Unaware’ That Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un & Jared Fogle Would Take The Stage With Him

Study: 79% Of Fox News Viewers Just People Too Challenged By TV Remotes To Learn How To Change The Channel

A study conducted by Brigham Young University has revealed that the vast majority of Fox News viewers are actually just a captivated audience of people too challenged by TV remotes to learn how to change the channel. “It appears that … Continue reading Study: 79% Of Fox News Viewers Just People Too Challenged By TV Remotes To Learn How To Change The Channel

Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’

Samsung threatened to file a lawsuit against Elon Musk today after the billionaire had an exchange with a video podcaster on Twitter about the possibility of Musk making a new smartphone. Samsung released a brief press release about the issue, … Continue reading Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’

‘Tucker’ Carlson’s Name Originates From The Act Of Drag Queens Taping Their Weiners Between Their Legs

After spending months railing against the LGBTQ community and drag queens by calling them “groomers” and “pedophiles,” Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson admitted today that he is – in fact – named after the act of “tucking,” which is when … Continue reading ‘Tucker’ Carlson’s Name Originates From The Act Of Drag Queens Taping Their Weiners Between Their Legs

Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store. “It’s the least we can … Continue reading Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

Twitter CEO Elon Musk sent out a company-wide email today informing employees that they are all required to snort cocaine. “The entire staff must able to work nonstop, and for days on end,” Musk wrote. “The only way I see … Continue reading Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

Trump tells his tale of the ‘Battle of The Bone Spurs’ on Veterans Day

In a morning news conference with reporters former president Donald Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own personal war story that he referred to as “The Battle of The Bone Spurs.” “People were coming at … Continue reading Trump tells his tale of the ‘Battle of The Bone Spurs’ on Veterans Day

Blink-182 Reunites After Tom DeLonge’s Body Is Taken Over By A Musically Talented Alien

Blink-182 announced today that they’ve reunited and will be going on a world tour. The surprising decision to regroup comes after a musically talented alien took over Tom DeLonge’s body before contacting former bandmates Travis Barker and Mark Hoppus. Barker … Continue reading Blink-182 Reunites After Tom DeLonge’s Body Is Taken Over By A Musically Talented Alien

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FL & TX Governors Charged For Sex Trafficking After Shipping People Across State Lines In Order To Fuck Them

Florida gov. Ron DeSantis and Texas gov. Greg Abbott have both been charged for human sex trafficking after they orchestrated the shipment of migrants – that were only looking for help – across state lines for the sole purpose of … Continue reading FL & TX Governors Charged For Sex Trafficking After Shipping People Across State Lines In Order To Fuck Them

Border Patrol Quickly Seizes Top Secret Documents After Trump Throws Them Over Wall

United States Border Patrol informed reporters today that they have recovered a box full of highly-classified documents after former president Trump was spotted attempting to throw the object over the US-Mexico border wall. “It wasn’t one fluid motion when he … Continue reading Border Patrol Quickly Seizes Top Secret Documents After Trump Throws Them Over Wall

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FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz

A 16-Year-Old who is in the care of Florida child welfare authorities has been told that she “lacks the maturity” to have an abortion, but that she is “old enough” to date US House representative Matt Gaetz. The ruling was … Continue reading FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz