A group of white supremacists, anti-government militias, extremists – and what we are assuming are some very fine people – gathered today outside of the the capital building in Richmond, Virginia wearing masquerade outfits to protest background checks for purchasing guns. The right wing groups claim they aren’t there to intimidate anyone; except for the government and anyone that disagrees with them. Most people at the rally wore flamboyant robes and porcelain-like masks while they carried shotguns, pistols, military-style rifles, handguns and even lugged around machine guns. “We aren’t here to intimidate anyone,” one man wearing a floral mask, white lipstick and carrying an assault rifle stated in a deep southern accent. “But try to take my guns and I’ll fucking kill you!” As of press time, authorities are hoping that no acts of terror or violence occur. “When you get this many ‘good guys’ with guns in one spot, a single terrorist would probably only be able to shoot a few people before everyone would open fire, killing the terrorist and at least 30 people around them,” Virginia Governor Ralph Northam stated. “Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just hard to protect people from themselves, but doing background checks before selling guns should be a step in the right direction.” Advertisements
For most cat owners, washing your cat is something you don’t really put much thought into. We all think we do it the right way, but that’s probably not true. For starters, most of us don’t wash our cats as much as we should – or worse – at all. Here are three signs you’re washing your cat all wrong: 1 – Your pussy still smells. You probably aren’t washing your cat long enough if they still smell afterward. Most owners stop washing their fur ball as soon as the cat has drawn enough blood to make them lightheaded. To work around this problem, purchase kevlar reinforced animal handling gloves so you can really soak your kitty. 2 – Your pussy is itchy and dry. You should never use a hairdryer on a cat. Their skin oils are too delicate to handle the concentrated heat. Instead hang a clothesline and clip your cat to it for 30 minutes after the bath. 3 – There’s hair… everywhere. If your pet is shedding too much, even after their bath, consider giving your pussy a shave. Then wash them once more to prevent future shedding. Finally, remember to pin them up on that clothesline for drying.
Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek and form fitting, but non-restrictive,” Pence stated. “I’ve been wearing something similar for years, so I can attest to the craftsmanship.” Photo credit torbakhopper
Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas confirmed today that he and Representative Devin Nunes are so close that they would often speak on the phone while the California representative was pooping. “Everybody poops,” Parnas confirmed. “Sometimes people just become comfortable unclenching and letting it flow freely while on the phone with their best friend. Ours was a relaxed, intimate relationship.” Parnas also released a transcript from the end of one of his bathroom calls with Nunes: [plunger noises and flushing] Nunes: “My god, I can’t believe what just happened in there.” Parnas: “Haha, what?” Nunes: “Well, let’s just say it’ll be a long time before I have another bite of Mexican food.” [more plunger noises and flushing] Parnas: “I hear that!” Nunes: “That double-stuffed steak burrito with triple refried beans hit my colon like the atomic bomb hit Hiroshima in ’45.” Parnas: “Well, you might want to wait awhile before you let anyone go in there.” Nunes: “Better give it an hour.” Parnas: “Oh fuck.” Parnas has provided hours of these bathroom calls to Democrats which clearly indicate that Nunes has irritable bowel syndrome. Investigators say the communication between the men offers both “graphic detail of Nunes’ diet and clearly implicate the representative’s involvement in the Ukraine scandal throughout the spring of 2019.”
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
During her closing statement at the Iowa Democratic Debate – and without warning – Senator Amy Klobuchar evolved into Klobucharizard; sprouting an additional head on her right shoulder all while shaking violently on stage.