“I never thought I’d have to say this, but my boobs are down there.”
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
Scientists at NASA were stunned today when the Curiosity rover came across a toy doll while it was exploring Mars’ Gale Crater. Experts have no explanation for how the strange doll got there.
Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m an energetic bisexual who’s in an open relationship with my husband, my life partner Barb, and anyone out there who’s interested.” When reached for comment, Warren’s husband Bruce said he has “No idea what Elizabeth is talking about.”
After 17 years of selling oversized, rotisserie rats, Costco has announced that they will no longer offer the popular rodent; citing yearly losses of over $30 million from the unsustainably low prices.
Mental health organizations across the world are using World Mental Health Day to remind men to keep their problems to themselves. “Real men never share their feelings, so it’s important that you catch yourself if you accidentally begin to open up.” psychiatrist Brian Tomlinson stated. “Bottle it up and bury it deep down inside; then, and this is important, go ahead and never talk about it again. What other people think about you is far more important than being happy.” Photo credit: thoroughlyreviewed.com
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost