Republicans looking to legalize hemp in Texas have accidentally decriminalized marijuana. Lawmakers learned of their mistake after scientists revealed that there’s no way to decipher between hemp and cannabis without expensive THC testing. What do you think? Janet Johanson, Life Coach in training Harold Mistwell, History Teacher Maria Mendoza finishes her 10 year sentence for possession of marijuana this week at Hilltop Prison in Gatesville, TX. Advertisements
US Steel, the nation’s second largest producer of steel, will be laying off over 200 employees as a way of celebrating the impacts of Trump’s tariffs. “We’re doing so well that we’ve fulfilled all the orders,” US Steel CEO David Burritt stated. “For the first time in our history we’re all caught up!” As part of the celebration, US Steel will have its 3,000-plus employees draw straws today to see who gets to go home early and permanently.
A tribe of at least 1,200 gigantic Amazonian women has fled into Brazil’s cities in order to escape unbelievably massive rainforest fires that have been burning for three weeks. The invasion of oversized woman left most Brazilians shocked, intrigued or aroused. Many of the towering women, who are all at least 8-feet tall, have already signed lucrative WNBA and modeling contracts. “It’s great that these women have integrated into our society so quickly because we have no plans to stop this fire,” Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro stated. The Amazon, which provides 20% of the planet’s oxygen, will likely burn up completely in the coming weeks.
Unfettered by the conventions of social media and email, suburban Moms across the country snapped pictures of their kids’ first day of school to mail to every relative they can think of; making this the only known scenario in which mailing photos of underage children to strangers isn’t illegal. Photo credit Lesley Show
After announcing a new partnership with Planned Parenthood, PepsiCo. is temporarily closing over 500 Taco Bell – Pizza Hut Express® restaurants to renovate the establishments into Planned Parenthood – Pizza Hut Express® reproductive health and pizza chains. “We’ll be offering the full Pizza Hut menu, 24-hour drive-thru birth control pickup – and if you come inside – an assorted condom buffet,” Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards stated. Pizza Hut drivers will also take care of birth control delivery with the company guaranteeing a 30-minute delivery or any resulting abortion is free. The new partnership comes with the slogan “We deliver so you don’t have to®.” Photo credit Mike Mozart
A recent study by the scientific journal Intelligence shows that people with high IQs are more likely to suffer from mental anxiety and hyper-reactive central nervous systems. What do you think? -Sharon Jenkins, Anger Management Coach – Jarret Zewinski, Learning Disabilities Specialist -Leonard Steiner, Stock Broker, Psychic Source
Aries – Your wellness goals have fallen by the wayside, but that all changes this week when a massive heart attack finally kills you. Taurus – A surge of energy will hit you Wednesday around lunchtime when your cocaine addiction seeps into your workweek. Jump off the wagon and push hard for that raise so you can afford more nose candy. Gemini – A wave of pleasure-seeking activity will coerce you into piercing your genitals. Leo – Step outside of your comfort zone. Try cooking a romantic dinner for that special someone again, but this time use the rat poison. Cancer – Certain life choices over the weekend will cause a major shift in your attitude toward abortion when a false positive makes you wish the closest Planned Parenthood wasn’t 180 miles away. Virgo – Get your affairs in order because president Trump will be deporting all Virgos for some fucking reason this week. Libra – You’re horny, but depressed. Unleash your frisky nature and diversify your dating portfolio by indiscriminately answering to at least 10 missed connections on Craigslist. Worst case scenario; you get murdered. Scorpio – Financial troubles will fall away when your last shred of dignity finally dissipates. Remember: amateur porn will always pay more than anything else you’ll do in life. Sagittarius – Your horoscope this week will be incredibly accurate. Capricorn – You’re happiest when you’re surrounded by the finer things, but you don’t have any taste. Throw out the stacks of old newspapers you’ve been collecting since 1991, clean your house, and maybe you’d have space to host the friends you don’t have. Aquarius – Milk, eggs, bacon, Chex Mix, green beans, potatoes, cheddar cheese, prescriptions. Pisces – It seems like someone in your life is always relying on you for every. Single. Thing. Just leave the baby at the park for a few hours and take some time for yourself.