The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes it,” head coach Bruce Arians stated. “And I gotta say, it’s so much easier to hold the ball this way. Tom’s a genius!” Coach Arians also confirmed that the Buccaneers’ contract with Brady requires the team provide hidden camera experts to film the other teams’ practices. “It’s a minor detail and it’s just something we had to agree to in order to get Tom. The Patriots did it, and now we’re doing it so that Tom has everything he needs to win.” As of press time, the team says they’ve already put millions of dollars aside to pay for all of the league violations that inevitably come with having Tom Brady on your team. Advertisements
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears that the penguins had found a handful of supplies and then just totally went for it,” Heikkine stated. “Up until now, we had no idea how creative and fabulous penguins could be.” Heikkine says that he watched for about 30-minutes as various penguins took turns putting on the wig and makeup and walking back and forth in front of one another before the animals noticed him and quickly waddled away.
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to be widened, cars will have to be completely redesigned, there may only be 15 or so people fitting on each airplane, and sex will be completely out of the question,” Redfield stated. “But this is what it has come to. We’re all going to be wearing giant, inflatable condoms. So get used to walking around in one of these fucking things.”
Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus software companies this morning. Within minutes of the request, both companies had agreed to a meeting with the group; on the condition that every Karen and Susan return their hoarded toilet paper, hand sanitizer, disinfecting wipes, and non-perishables that their husband Chad bought “so that everyone can get through the pandemic.” As of press time, an angry mob of non-compliant Susans and Karens had already begun boarding flights to Norton and McAfee headquarters – leaving a trail of dead managers in their wake.
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours a day, nodded off several times before slipping in to a deep REM sleep – all while standing. He then fell asleep again during his speech. “Ben Carson was not being impolite,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “He simply needs his sleep in order to perform his job at an optimal level.” Meanwhile, those on the left have expressed concern that Carson may not know what’s going on if he’s only awake for – at most – 2 hours a day. “Although he is a brain surgeon whose operations would typically span several days, Mr. Carson is clearly not prepared or in touch with reality as he spends 95% of his time dreaming,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated.
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny