An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.” Advertisements
After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it out for a nice, white, rich and pristine island. It has ‘green’ in the name, but it’s covered in ice. How about that folks!? Greenland, which is an autonomous country of the Kingdom of Denmark, says Trump can go ahead and fuck himself.
American meat company Oscar Meyer has plunged its toes into the dairy dessert world with their release of ice cream-filled hotdogs. Marketed as ‘Vanilla Squirters’ the odd treat hit store shelves this week. What do you think?
A Georgia judge appointed by President Obama has ruled that the state can print their 2020 ballots in Russian. The ruling also struck down the use of archaic voting machines. “Since our electronic voting system is atrociously outdated and incredibly vulnerable, we’re making a compromise,” Judge Amy Totenberg stated. “We won’t be using the hackable electronic voting machines, but our election will still be welcoming to the Russians, which is all the Republicans seem to want right now.” Outspoken Republicans are condemning the ruling, claiming that obtaining proper IDs to vote on paper ballots in the 2020 election will be too difficult for the average Russian hacker. Photo credit WP Paarz
Multinational conglomerate 3M announced today that it’s parting ways with Donald Trump. The company says it will no longer sponsor or provide the president with free products to use as a tie clip.
In the midst of the ongoing US-China trade war, China has announced that they will no longer be shipping sex dolls to the United States. Known for their hightech, lifelike robots, China will now force Americans to interact with other people in order to recreate a realistic, robotic sexual experience. The sex doll shipping ban has already started a popular trend among US citizens of speaking like an android during foreplay and then roleplaying as robots all the way to climax.
“The words on that statue are welcoming to criminals and lowlifes.”