Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead the election board to search for one large, last-minute, nearby location where everyone could fit. “With a city of 600,000 people we had to find a venue that could support the large numbers while being able to allow for proper social distancing,” one official confirmed. “So bring your lanterns, flashlights, helmets, some food and water because there’s only one voting machine in there – and wouldn’t ya know – we lost it!” As of press time countless citizens were desperately searching for their right to vote. Advertisements
Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
Donald Trump declared all K-pop fans to be members of a “radical leftist Chinese terrorist organization” today after learning the demographic tried to reserve a large portion of his Tulsa rally tickets; likely contributing to the mostly empty arena. “I’ve seen what they look like. They’re foreign agents folks! Chinese foreign agents and we won’t stand for it!” Trump told reporters. “And if they can do this, then who’s to say they can’t rig the mail-in ballots for the election?” Minutes later, John Bolton spoke out on the decision by trump, stating that he was surprised that the president felt threatened by the K-pop community. “In many ways Trump and K-pop are very similar,” John Bolton stated. “They are repetitive, loud, and none of their English speaking fans really understand what they are saying.” As of press time Trump had started spreading a rumor that the coronavirus initially came to the US via a ship full of tainted BTS merchandise.
Dawn Peterson of Grand Rapids, Michigan had to explain to her kids this morning why their dad was only getting a tie for Father’s Day for the 7th year in a row. “Daddy can have a nice gift when he starts acting like a parent too,” Peterson told her children. “As soon as your father starts coming to parent-teacher conferences, baseball games, and recitals, then he can have new fishing gear. But until then, he gets another tie because drinking a case of beer and cutting the grass isn’t parenting.” Meanwhile, husband James Peterson says he feels depressed and under appreciated. “If they get me another tie I’m fucking done,” James Peterson confirmed. As of press time, Dawn and James were openly considering getting a divorce. Signaling the first time they’ve agreed on something important in well over a year.
President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. “You’ve got these brown foreigners from my shithole… these shithole countries trying to invade… trying to invade my…” a wide-eyed Trump paused. “My pants!” Trump then cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that President Trump had drained his swamp on stage, stating “If you’re wearing a diaper, and you’re wearing it correctly – which today he was – then the fecal matter technically does not touch the pants, and therefore, one could not say that the president shit his pants.” Photo Credit Matt Johnson
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter as the coronavirus waivers they agreed to included a quarantine clause from the CDC. “Those who weren’t smart enough to read the waiver will now be spending the next three weeks in quarantine,” CDC Director Robert Redfield confirmed. “So that’s everyone who has chosen to go inside the building.” Redfield says that they’ve made space at seven ICE detainment camps near the Texas-Mexico border and that “there’s plenty of hard, concrete floor for these illiterate people to spread out on.” “It’s already been made perfectly clear by Republican leadership that these ICE camps are safe and humane places,” Redfield stated. “So unless there’s any new, unforseen objection, that’s where these rally-goers will be staying.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end. “It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.” Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”