With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise. Advertisements
Despite pushback from his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Congress says that president Trump will be tried as an adult throughout the impeachment process. “Mr. Trump throws tantrums, says everything is unfair, only wants junk food and has tiny hands,” Giuliani shouted on Fox and Friends. “This is all wrong. The president is not an adult. Period!” Democrats fired back quickly, with Speaker Nancy Pelosi making a public statement. “President Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and never get in trouble,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “But now he’s shot himself in the foot and for the first time in his life he’s facing the consequences. It’s time to grow up Donald.”
Scientists at the World Health Organization who normally study microplastics have shifted their research to larger macroplastics after millions of Americans have admitted to eating their credit cards. “We cannot stress this enough,” head researcher Franz Blankenmann stated, “eating your maxed-out credit card does not forgive the balance owed.” At this point scientists estimate the average US citizen is ingesting 290 grams of macroplastic per year and experts have no idea what harm it may cause.
After mocking 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg, who has Asperger’s, president Donald Trump announced his new Be Bestest campaign that encourages belittling and name calling of kids ages zero to seventeen. “Why be best when you can be the bestest folks?” Trump asked a crowd in Dallas, Texas. “Keep it simple and put these shitty kids into their place. That’s what I say folks. I keep it simple because I’m that simple. I really am. I really am.”
Tropical Storm Karen was upgraded from an ‘Unreasonable Twat’ to a category ‘I Demand to Speak to the Manager’ hurricane this morning. Experts monitoring the storm say they expect to see Karen intensify into a devastating ‘She Took the Kids.’ Early evacuations are being considered for parts of Florida on the chance that Karen worsens into a full-blown ‘Call the Cops on Black People for No Reason.’
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was referring to this gigantic structure,” Governor Michelle Grisham stated. “Only an eighth of the wall actually butts up against Mexico, the rest goes all the way around the state of New Mexico.” Grisham says the wall doesn’t pose a problem as it won’t prevent people from crossing; however, she would like all of her Hispanic residents to be released from the accompanying, newly-constructed prisons.
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they’ve discovered a new strain of herpes that causes humans to grow extra nipples. Referred to as “nerpes,” the contagious disease has been discovered in 27 states so far. “Symptoms include flare-ups in which multiple nipples can appear in clusters around the lips, armpits and genitals,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Luckily, a lotion called Niptrax is ready to hit stores. The rub-on medicine should be applied to the extra nipples in slow, circular motions.”