Disgruntled LASIK surgeon might just cut straight through to the brain this time

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Outrage: Bezos’ apology for Auschwitz ornaments included a “I hope this doesn’t Holo-cost us” joke

Amazon President Jeff Bezos made a public apology today after it was revealed that the company was selling Christmas ornaments with pictures of Auschwitz on them. “First and foremost We’re sorry,” Bezos stated. “We’re now really going to force everyone in our product camp to concentrate on product quality. Gun to their heads I’m sure they’ll do a better job.” Bezos also confirmed that Amazon had already taken all offensive products off of the site. “Again, were sorry. It’s a long, hard race to the top and sometimes we lose site of the details. We’re going to try to master that race and I sincerely hope this mistake doesn’t Holo-cost us.” Photo credit Paul VanDerWerf

Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump's impeachment

Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order to remain as civil as possible – doesn’t cite specific transgressions by Trump, but simply reads: “The world is embarrassed for the United States. For the love of God, the world, and your country – impeach this miserable cunt.” In response, a furious President Trump tweeted out: As of press time, Democrats had already added the tweet to their list of condemning evidence for impeachment. Meanwhile, Republican leaders focused solely on the letter’s “inappropriate” use of the “c-word,” because they too are miserable cunts.

Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren't raptured

Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think?

Toys 'R' Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones

(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. An initial order of 200,000 DJI Phantom 4 Quadcopters has already been placed. The number of drones means there will be one surveillance device stationed every 150 feet along the border. The drones will be remotely controlled by thousands of undocumented immigrant children whose cages have already been transported and placed into position. The drones themselves are equipped with water canons that will squirt at approaching Canadians to shoo them away.

Black Friday 2019 deemed a failure after stores report zero deaths

YouReadyGrandma

Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 years and now nothing. Folks just don’t seem to have that holiday spirit anymore,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated. Retailers across the country are now expressing concern that holiday sales are headed for a slump. “Before the day is over. If we could see a fist fight over a children’s toy or maybe a parking lot shooting, or even a simple jewelry store robbery, then maybe, just maybe that would be a sign that there’s still some hope left.” Photo credit Ian Muttoo

Ronald McDonald drags bloody, broken leg down parade route after manager asks “But you’re coming to work, right?”

YouReadyGrandma

After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade route, a steady stream began pouring from the clown’s leg at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 34th Street, at which point McDonald was reprimanded and sent home for even considering coming to work in such a condition.

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