President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth seekers are still calling BS on the entire story, pointing to the fact that the band is objectively terrible. “There’s no way in hell that 100 people, let alone thousands, would willingly attend a Smash Mouth concert,” a strongly worded fact check on Snopes.com read. “This is clearly a false flag operation with the intent of disguising the actual source of COVID infections and pinning blame on a poor group of musicians that are stuck in the recurring nightmare of playing ‘All Star’ for the rest of their lives.” Related – Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums Photo credit Eva Rinaldi
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered by Trump’s response. “The president asked where the storm was hitting and one of his aides told him ‘Louisiana,’ to which Trump asked ‘Is that part of the the United States?’” FEMA Administrator Peter Gaynor stated. According to Gaynor, the president then continued to ask, “So it’s an island, like Puerto Rico then? Does it have jungles?” “Aides explained to Trump that there wasn’t a jungle in Louisiana and that it also wasn’t an island, but that there are swamps and alligators,” Gaynor stated. “The president replied ‘You know I don’t like swamps’ and then told his staff to ‘get the paperwork ready’ to take a few billion dollars away from FEMA and give it to the border patrol.“ As of press time FEMA was drastically underfunded and ill-prepared for handling Hurricane Laura. Meanwhile, Trump was getting ready to proudly proclaim his handling of Laura to be “tremendous” and “better than Obama’s Katrina disaster.”
Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves for radioactive winds and rain by covering themselves – and everything they care about – in materials that block radiation, such as lead, tungsten, and bismuth. Notably, the World Meteorological Organization has deviated from the tradition of naming the storms after people and is instead calling the eight new radioactive hurricanes: Not Today Satan Oh, C’mon! Please God, Make It Stop! Quarantina Really? REALLY!? Shit, shit, shit! This Is The End, and Unbelievable Despite what happened today, the Trump administration is calling the nuclear detonations a big success. “Any attempt to label this as a ‘mistake’ or a ‘blunder’ is completely false and misleading,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “The president did what he set out to do. He completely destroyed hurricanes Laura and Marco, and now we just have to finish the job by blowing up the rest of the storms.”
It’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is hurting for money when they need it the most. With the Trump administration in strong opposition to additional funding, the USPS has taken it upon themselves to raise money by selling an all-new line of commemorative ‘Fuck Trump’ impeachment stamps. Notably, the stamps – which were designed by famous artist Shepard Fairey – include the date that Trump was impeached on the bottom. Historians say the stamp design marks the first time that the small, adhesive pieces of paper have depicted anyone in a negative light; let alone the president of the United States. “The president might not like the stamps, but he should really get used to seeing himself as he’s depicted: in a small, square space surrounded by men just like him,” University of California Berkeley history professor Stephanie Woods stated. “Because he’s going to be spending a lot of time in prison once his presidency is over.” If you believe in saving the United States Postal Service, please visit https://store.usps.com/store/home and purchase something.
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.