Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When reached for comment on how it felt to become the richest person in the world so quickly, the anonymous dildo-swaggins69 stated, “Together apes strong 🦍. Buy and hold r*****s. To the fucking moooon! 🚀🚀🚀 Let’s go0o0oo!” Notably, several other Reddit users, including OwenWilsonsNose, Intradouching_Myself, JustThepenisTip, and BreadPitt have also become billionaires overnight.
President Joe Biden signed an executive order today freeing up funding to build a massive moving walkway that will carry immigrants across the Mexico-United States border and into McAllen, Texas. Construction on the 112.7 mile long, $4.8 billion walkway will begin next month. “Often times caravans of people have walked hundreds or even thousands of miles just to enter the United States,” Biden stated. “By building this oversized people-mover, we’ll be helping immigrants to take those last few steps to freedom. In fact, now they’re going to just glide right in!” Notably, to save on construction costs, a large portion of the moving walkway will be made out of materials from the border wall, which Biden has slated to be completely dismantled by the end of the year. “It’s time we started building bridges instead of barriers and walkways instead of walls,” Biden stated. “And that’s why every single person who enters the country on this oversized conveyor belt will be granted full citizenship.” According to engineers working on the project, once completed the new moving walkway will be capable of carrying more than 1,800 immigrants per hour directly into McAllen, Texas.
Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the previous administration, fact checkers typically spent hours analyzing questionable or outright ridiculous statements from just a single, 15-minute briefing,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow stated. “But today Press Secretary Psaki took to the podium for half an hour and didn’t even try to tell a single lie.” Meanwhile, Fox News personality Sean Hannity called the press conference “suspicious.” “It makes you wonder: what is the Biden administration’s endgame here?” a bewildered Hannity asked. “What exactly are they up to?”
Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an authentic, Native American sage purification to get all of the toxic Trump energy out.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.