President Trump has finally used the Defense Production Act by ordering IKEA to manufacture and ship half a million unassembled beds to hospitals in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. IKEA, which is headquartered in the Netherlands, does not fall under US law and therefore cannot be told what to do by Trump. “The daybeds ordered by the president take, on average, 3.5 hours to assemble,” IKEA CEO Jesper Brodin stated. “Hospitals are indeed thanking IKEA for not going ahead with the president’s demands as they do not have the time, staffing, or space to be assembling the furniture.” Just minutes after the IKEA announcement president Trump ordered Spirit Halloween and Party City to provide one million masks to medical facilities across the country. “I don’t care what they look like,” Trump told reporters in an address. “They can be Chucky, Jason, or even Freddie – it doesn’t matter – just get them the masks.” As of press time the president was being told that not only are Halloween masks ineffective against the virus, but that they are also manufactured in China. Advertisements
A large majority of humans on planet Earth say they have every intention of surviving the coronavirus to ensure that they get front row seats to the end of the world; which will be brought on by climate change sometime around 2035. What do you think? Photo credit Kevin Rheese
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes it,” head coach Bruce Arians stated. “And I gotta say, it’s so much easier to hold the ball this way. Tom’s a genius!” Coach Arians also confirmed that the Buccaneers’ contract with Brady requires the team provide hidden camera experts to film the other teams’ practices. “It’s a minor detail and it’s just something we had to agree to in order to get Tom. The Patriots did it, and now we’re doing it so that Tom has everything he needs to win.” As of press time, the team says they’ve already put millions of dollars aside to pay for all of the league violations that inevitably come with having Tom Brady on your team.
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to be widened, cars will have to be completely redesigned, there may only be 15 or so people fitting on each airplane, and sex will be completely out of the question,” Redfield stated. “But this is what it has come to. We’re all going to be wearing giant, inflatable condoms. So get used to walking around in one of these fucking things.”
Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus software companies this morning. Within minutes of the request, both companies had agreed to a meeting with the group; on the condition that every Karen and Susan return their hoarded toilet paper, hand sanitizer, disinfecting wipes, and non-perishables that their husband Chad bought “so that everyone can get through the pandemic.” As of press time, an angry mob of non-compliant Susans and Karens had already begun boarding flights to Norton and McAfee headquarters – leaving a trail of dead managers in their wake.
People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after someone hits their bong or does a dab. American citizens are also being told by Senator Bernie Sanders to show compassion by offering marijuana to their neighbors. “I’m asking that everyone share their cannabis in this difficult and trying time,” Sanders stated. “I think we can all agree that now is a great time to torch up that sweet sticky icky, and puff puff pass it around. Now, if anyone has some Blue Dream or some White 99, please meet me backstage immediately after this.”
(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue how futile her attempts are to keep the virus from touching her body. As of press time, Sommers was about to put her phone up to her ear, cheek, and mouth to make a phone call.