Donald Trump declared all K-pop fans to be members of a “radical leftist Chinese terrorist organization” today after learning the demographic tried to reserve a large portion of his Tulsa rally tickets; likely contributing to the mostly empty arena. “I’ve seen what they look like. They’re foreign agents folks! Chinese foreign agents and we won’t stand for it!” Trump told reporters. “And if they can do this, then who’s to say they can’t rig the mail-in ballots for the election?” Minutes later, John Bolton spoke out on the decision by trump, stating that he was surprised that the president felt threatened by the K-pop community. “In many ways Trump and K-pop are very similar,” John Bolton stated. “They are repetitive, loud, and none of their English speaking fans really understand what they are saying.” As of press time Trump had started spreading a rumor that the coronavirus initially came to the US via a ship full of tainted BTS merchandise. Advertisements
Dawn Peterson of Grand Rapids, Michigan had to explain to her kids this morning why their dad was only getting a tie for Father’s Day for the 7th year in a row. “Daddy can have a nice gift when he starts acting like a parent too,” Peterson told her children. “As soon as your father starts coming to parent-teacher conferences, baseball games, and recitals, then he can have new fishing gear. But until then, he gets another tie because drinking a case of beer and cutting the grass isn’t parenting.” Meanwhile, husband James Peterson says he feels depressed and under appreciated. “If they get me another tie I’m fucking done,” James Peterson confirmed. As of press time, Dawn and James were openly considering getting a divorce. Signaling the first time they’ve agreed on something important in well over a year.
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance anyway. 9) A forever nap actually sounds rather nice right about now. 8) Mercury is in retrograde. 7) Racism. Like, A LOT of it. 6) Had to go deep into student loan debt just to get a job that pays $18/hr. 5) My Chemical Romance. 4) Had to move back in with parents. 3) Bored. Looking for something new to do. 2) Serotonin has been depleted from impulsive hair coloring. 1) We’re trapped in a cold, unforgiving world full of hate, ignorance and violence, and left here to slowly wither away, suffering, and eventually dying alone.
A Politico-Morning Consult poll released today found that 27% of Americans somewhat or strongly believe that president Trump is a man of faith. Meanwhile 55% of respondents say they somewhat or strongly believe that Trump is not a religious man. What do you think?
“Lindsey Graham was, hands down, easily the weirdest sex I have ever had.”
Riding a wave of anti-racism that has swept the US, governors across the country have begun the removal of Confederate statues, monuments, and plaques. Virginia’s Governor Ralph Northam says that he and several other governors plan to replace the memorials with white flags commemorating the South’s surrender. “We’ll be taking down all Confederate memorials because, simply put, we don’t celebrate racists and losers in Virginia,” Northam stated. “It’s important to remember what really happened in history and a white flag serves this purpose perfectly.”
Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from white supremacy gatherings across the nation and then outfitting them with riot uniforms, tear gas, rubber bullets, and other weaponry.