Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the first time that the turkeys weren’t spared since the White House tradition began in 1989. After the turkeys were slain, Pence took them home to stuff and serve at his Thanksgiving dinner. As of press time it’s unclear whether or not the Vice President will stick his head in the oven as well. Advertisements
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. If anything, I am God!” The president’s statement caused immediate outrage among religious people of all political leanings, prompting Trump to later tweet out a clarification. The tweet has been deemed offensive by many, but good enough to serve as both an excuse and an apology for today’s Republicans.
Staff at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have confirmed that president Trump’s unannounced visit last week was prompted by gas that caused the president to suffer from intense abdominal pain and cramping. “The president was in tears, inconsolable, and shouting ‘This is it! This is how I go!’” an anonymous hospital staffer confirmed. It took over an hour of shrieking and sobbing before the president finally let out a long, wet, squeaky fart – relieving most of his pain. “After his initial burst of flatulence, the gates were unlocked and the farts became frequent,” the staffer confirmed. “The noises were high-pitched and somehow sounded like they ended in a question mark.” Once the smell in the room became unbearable, doctors directed the president to walk the hospital grounds. Staff accompanying the president confirm that he continued to fart with every step he took for the better part of an hour.
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”
Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an ordinance decriminalizing psilocybin back in May. “If you’ve ever been sick, but still wanted to feel incredibly fucking fantastic, then Vicks has the answer for you: all-new Vicks Daytrippin’ formula,” CEO Dan Waverly stated. “This fast-acting, psilocybin-laced cough syrup has everything you need if you’re looking to experience altered consciousness, clear up congestion, quiver from intense euphoria and ego death, relieve sinus pressure, and enjoy the sensation of flight all at the same time.”
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.