Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Merriam-Webster made a controversial move today when they announced that they had added yet another definition for the word ‘trumpery’ to the dictionary. The company explained their decision in a press release. “We believed it to be appropriate for current times to affix one more definition to the word ‘trumpery’ in our big book of words,” the press release read. “As you can see below, we’ve also added the word ‘douchebaggery’ as there wasn’t a perfect word to further describe the president and enhance the new definition.” As of press time the president was calling for the boycott of all dictionaries; something that the vast majority of his supporters had already been doing.
During an interview on Fox News, president Trump told Laura Ingraham that the police officer who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back had “choked” much like “missing a three foot putt.” But the strange answer didn’t stop there. In the edited out portion of the tape, Trump continued his comparison for another fourteen minutes. “Everyone knows that seven shots is over par for any hole. So I don’t know what that officer was doing. That’s sloppy play.” Trump stated. “But when you think about it, seven shots over par on… say the back nine at Mar-a-Lago is actually pretty good. So it really just depends on whatever it is we’re talking about here.” At this point Ingraham had unsuccessfully tried to stop Trump’s insensitive, incoherent rambling twice, but he continued. “You know, just the other day I was playing golf with a few Black guys and I shot a hole in one. I shot a hole in one on a par five. Can you believe it?” Trump asked a stunned Ingraham. “And honestly that’s the closest I’ve come to what that officer did because honestly nobody has done more for the Black community than me. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. Maybe Lincoln. I wonder if he golfed.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth seekers are still calling BS on the entire story, pointing to the fact that the band is objectively terrible. “There’s no way in hell that 100 people, let alone thousands, would willingly attend a Smash Mouth concert,” a strongly worded fact check on Snopes.com read. “This is clearly a false flag operation with the intent of disguising the actual source of COVID infections and pinning blame on a poor group of musicians that are stuck in the recurring nightmare of playing ‘All Star’ for the rest of their lives.” Related – Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums Photo credit Eva Rinaldi
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered by Trump’s response. “The president asked where the storm was hitting and one of his aides told him ‘Louisiana,’ to which Trump asked ‘Is that part of the the United States?’” FEMA Administrator Peter Gaynor stated. According to Gaynor, the president then continued to ask, “So it’s an island, like Puerto Rico then? Does it have jungles?” “Aides explained to Trump that there wasn’t a jungle in Louisiana and that it also wasn’t an island, but that there are swamps and alligators,” Gaynor stated. “The president replied ‘You know I don’t like swamps’ and then told his staff to ‘get the paperwork ready’ to take a few billion dollars away from FEMA and give it to the border patrol.“ As of press time FEMA was drastically underfunded and ill-prepared for handling Hurricane Laura. Meanwhile, Trump was getting ready to proudly proclaim his handling of Laura to be “tremendous” and “better than Obama’s Katrina disaster.”