Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off. Advertisements
Another Tennessee Titans mascot has spontaneously combusted on live TV, the latest during last night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Investigators say this is the fifth T-Rac the raccoon to burst into flames without a know cause. Stadium Photo by Casey Fleser
“It’s like an explosion of spoiled milk and beef jerky in my mouth!”
Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral sex. “Dick, and sucking on it, becomes much more appealing when the penis tastes like a banana or cotton candy,” Mike Pence stated. “But whatever is used to make the cock so delicious is corrupting and poisoning our teens.” The FDA is now finalizing rules to remove all non-penis flavors of condoms from the market within 30 days. Companies like Trojan and Durex might be able to reintroduce their dick-enhancing flavors at a later date if they submit a formal application and receive taste testing approval from Mike Pence.
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”
In a more than concerning display, President Trump live tweeted his bowel movement from the Oval Office toilet early this morning.
President Trump has raised security concerns after Sarah Palin was divorced by longtime husband Todd yesterday. “Todd took the house with the prefect view of Russia, and I’m assuming Moscow, ” Trump stated. “Sarah was our first line of defense for our small island neighbor of Alaska. Now the native tribes are unprotected.” Republicans in the House and Senate have already drafted bills that would secure funding to construct a new home for Sarah Palin so she can continue to protect Alaskan soil. Photo by Therealbs2002