According to sources at Fox News, entertainer Tucker Carlson has spent the last few days disillusioned, crying and upset that the Mars company has made their green M&M character “less sexy” by swapping out her high heels for regular shoes.

“What will I masturbate to now?” a visibly upset Carlson asked his viewers while holding back tears. “I mean, anyone with half a brain would agree with me on this – the green M&M is no longer fuckable.”

Carlson then went on to his next segment in which he spent 15 minutes declaring that LGBTQ+ individuals are sexual deviants. Still, he couldn’t get the green M&M out of his mind.

“There’s something horribly wrong with you if you’re attracted to the same sex or if you want to change your sex,” Carlson yelled at the camera. “Like, I get it if you see a sexy piece of candy that is green, round, delicious and wearing high heels – so you want to fuck it, but we all know that the gays are going to hell.”