In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the accusations. “What does it really matter at this point? There are too many strings attached to America’s so-called leader,” Putin stated. “that orange puppet won’t do shit.” When reached for a statement, the Trump administration said that it “will be responding to Putin’s shocking claims just as soon as Russia provides the official talking points.”
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium.