An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to as the “Stimulus Only Redeemable if Representatives said Yes” – or the S.O.R.R.Y. rule. – and will leave all registered Republicans in the United States without much-needed funds in the face of economic turmoil brought on by the coronavirus pandemic.
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine. “It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted. “Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their open-mouth kissing drills that may have helped to spread the virus. “We’re a tight-knit team,” head coach Vic Fangio stated. “The kissing drills have been a part of our practice ever since Tim Tebow suggested it while in the showers back in 2010. Maybe we’ll bring it back after the vaccine, but for now we’re stopping with close physical contact except for during games when we all end up in a giant pile of man, sweat, and spandex after nearly every play.”
(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few days later, she’ll be taken to the hospital where she will test positive for COVID that’s traced back to Thanksgiving. She’ll be put on a ventilator. Not long thereafter, Grandma Sullivan will slip into an actual coma and die.