Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is facing up to 5 years in jail for tax evasion after telling reporters today that he had “already paid taxes once before, so why would I pay them again?” When pressed for more information, Paul starting arguing that he has “immunity from any and all charges” because of the fact that he paid taxes in 1981 when he was audited. “I got hit by the IRS back when I was 18 for not paying taxes and I thought that was it,” Paul stated. “You know. A one and done kind of situation.” Authorities have already started removing furniture from Paul’s home and are garnishing the Senator’s wages, including money he received from a settlement after his neighbor understandably kicked his ass. As of press time Rand Paul was still only the second worst Senator from Kentucky after Mitch McConnell.
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The Center For Disease Control issued a warning today to the American public letting them know that “the same people who enjoy cosplaying as a ‘good-guy-with-a-gun’ are now also pretending that they are vaccinated.” “They are lying again,” head of CDC Rochelle Walensky stated. “They are once again claiming that they have something in them that they do not; the ability to be a hero and a COVID vaccine in their systems.” As of press time the CDC was advising the public to continue avoiding these people, as usual, for multiple health and personal reasons. Photo credit Eli Christman
Dr. Anthonoy Fauci released a statement today warning Americans that as mask mandates are lifted “it will become harder and harder to spot the assholes in a crowd.” “Watching people scream in public and refuse to wear masks will soon be a thing of the past as more and more anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers lie about being fully vaccinated.” Dr. Fauci’s statement read. “We must be careful. Citizens are going to have to be even more diligent and look for the other warning signs besides the obvious Trump mask.” Fauci then reminded citizens of common things to watch out for when trying to avoid assholes. “I’m not saying to avoid ALL large crowds,” his statement read. “I’m just saying to stay far, far away from Confederate flags, the Karen haircut, red hats, and adults cosplaying as would-be heroes by open-carrying large guns. Follow these rules and you should be just fine.”
Moderna announced today that the pharmaceutical company was in the final stages of testing a new suppository for the approximately 65 million Americans who are afraid of needles (trypanophobia). Notably, during the study, scientists made the shocking discovery that the majority of people who volunteered for the trials actually pretend to be anti-vaxxers and COVID conspiracy theorists to avoid dealing with their severe trypanophobia. “Conspiracists and those vocally against vaccines are now admitting, in large numbers, that they don’t really believe in the nonsense they’ve been saying. They were simply too afraid of needles to get the injections,” head researcher Thomas Underwood stated while demonstrating how to insert the suppository. “So, these people can now stick this up their ass and finally shut up about it.” Moderna representatives say that the public can expect the new suppository – which is named analprodmyzone – to be available in the next month or two. Those who wish to receive the medicine will still need to have it administered by a medical professional, out in the open, right next to other people who are receiving their COVID shots.
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A loud minority of Americans are currently refusing to be injected with the COVID vaccine due to unfounded concerns that the shots will change their DNA. “Despite the fact that mRNA vaccines do not impact or interact with your DNA in any way, a portion of Americans are protesting the COVID vaccine due to fear that it will alter their DNA,” virologist Nancy Mundy stated. “Ironically, it’s the same people who believe this bullshit that would benefit from some major changes to their DNA.” “The fact of the matter is that mRNA never enters the nucleus of the cell, much like how scientific facts cannot enter the thick skulls of these ill-informed individuals,” Mundy concluded. Meanwhile, another subset of Americans that have received the vaccine are now incredibly upset that they haven’t acquired any superpowers.