During a press conference at the Norfolk Navy Base today president Trump was asked by a reporter if he had a personal ventilator set aside for himself. The president surprised everyone with his answer. “You don’t have to be hit by a ventilator, literally, a ventilator, to know that answer Peter,” a visibly angry Trump said to the reporter. “Because the cost of losing me is too high. Without me the country is in trouble. Big, big trouble! So yeah, Peter, I’ve got a ventilator. I’ve got one for everyone but Tiffany and Eric. It wouldn’t work on them because they’re both mouth breathers. And I hope you never get one for asking ridiculous questions like this. Get lost! Get out of here with that crap Peter!” Advertisements
Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. “It turns out nobody is willing to put up with subpar, generic soccer mom rock coupled with Chad Kroeger’s inability to adjust his tone or inflection. Nobody is going outside unless they absolutely have to.” As of press time several other countries had started trying the approach, while the nations of Sweden, Switzerland, and Denmark had already deemed the method to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating will be allowed,” President Frank-Walter Steinmeier confirmed. The move has both raised suspicions and sparked outrage in the global community. What do you think?
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both kind-hearted and off-putting. “He refused to tell me what he was doing with my hair,” resident Ashley Reynolds stated. “But honestly I’m only slightly disgusted. Ed’s a real angel. An unpleasant, frightening angel.” Meanwhile, other landlords have followed Stallword’s lead, allowing for rent payments in the form of toenail clippings, dirty underwear, and pictures of feet.
Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback mounted team sport is a simply marvelous way to pass the time during this unprecedented virus outbreak,” Graham stated while dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. “Polo is a wonderful game that allows all Americans to stay 6-feet apart while spending quality time with their horses and staying active.” Graham finished his speech by assuring Americans that their private polo clubs will remain open as long as he’s in Congress. The Senator then climbed aboard his stagecoach and rode away to his plantation.
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”