The Center For Disease Control issued a warning today to the American public letting them know that “the same people who enjoy cosplaying as a ‘good-guy-with-a-gun’ are now also pretending that they are vaccinated.” “They are lying again,” head of CDC Rochelle Walensky stated. “They are once again claiming that they have something in them that they do not; the ability to be a hero and a COVID vaccine in their systems.” As of press time the CDC was advising the public to continue avoiding these people, as usual, for multiple health and personal reasons. Photo credit Eli Christman
Dr. Anthonoy Fauci released a statement today warning Americans that as mask mandates are lifted “it will become harder and harder to spot the assholes in a crowd.” “Watching people scream in public and refuse to wear masks will soon be a thing of the past as more and more anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers lie about being fully vaccinated.” Dr. Fauci’s statement read. “We must be careful. Citizens are going to have to be even more diligent and look for the other warning signs besides the obvious Trump mask.” Fauci then reminded citizens of common things to watch out for when trying to avoid assholes. “I’m not saying to avoid ALL large crowds,” his statement read. “I’m just saying to stay far, far away from Confederate flags, the Karen haircut, red hats, and adults cosplaying as would-be heroes by open-carrying large guns. Follow these rules and you should be just fine.”
Moderna announced today that the pharmaceutical company was in the final stages of testing a new suppository for the approximately 65 million Americans who are afraid of needles (trypanophobia). Notably, during the study, scientists made the shocking discovery that the majority of people who volunteered for the trials actually pretend to be anti-vaxxers and COVID conspiracy theorists to avoid dealing with their severe trypanophobia. “Conspiracists and those vocally against vaccines are now admitting, in large numbers, that they don’t really believe in the nonsense they’ve been saying. They were simply too afraid of needles to get the injections,” head researcher Thomas Underwood stated while demonstrating how to insert the suppository. “So, these people can now stick this up their ass and finally shut up about it.” Moderna representatives say that the public can expect the new suppository – which is named analprodmyzone – to be available in the next month or two. Those who wish to receive the medicine will still need to have it administered by a medical professional, out in the open, right next to other people who are receiving their COVID shots.
Photo credit East718
A loud minority of Americans are currently refusing to be injected with the COVID vaccine due to unfounded concerns that the shots will change their DNA. “Despite the fact that mRNA vaccines do not impact or interact with your DNA in any way, a portion of Americans are protesting the COVID vaccine due to fear that it will alter their DNA,” virologist Nancy Mundy stated. “Ironically, it’s the same people who believe this bullshit that would benefit from some major changes to their DNA.” “The fact of the matter is that mRNA never enters the nucleus of the cell, much like how scientific facts cannot enter the thick skulls of these ill-informed individuals,” Mundy concluded. Meanwhile, another subset of Americans that have received the vaccine are now incredibly upset that they haven’t acquired any superpowers.
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine. “It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted. “Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.