Tragic Death Ends Trump Campaign

***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions…

Trump, Cruz Exchange Horrific Insults About Wives, Again

(New York, NY) It appears that the wife-bashing has returned to the Republican campaign for presidency with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz shooting a barrage of horrific insults back and forth. It all started with another tweet from Trump…

FOX News to be Bought Out by The Onion

it has now been confirmed that The Onion has put out an offer that Rupert Murdoch has agreed to. The news organization that launched on October 7, 1996 revealed today that they…

Breaking: Obama Uses School Shooting to Defend Gun Owners

Barack Obama, who is by all means a “Lame Duck” president, used the recent school shooting to defend gun owners. This was a surprising move by the leader of the Free World as he decided to use tragedy in order to get everyday Americans to, as he stated, “think for…

FOX News Embraces Jeb Bush as He Distances Self From Brother

After announcing his bid for Presidency, Jeb Bush tried to distance himself from brother George W. Bush. When asked by a reporter if his family name and relation to former President George W. Bush would hinder his chances, Jeb tactfully deflected the question in true-leader-fashion by

Nervous Rick Perry Unsure How to Count, Put Complete Sentences Together

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. No endorsement implied) Former Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who stumbled and fell short in his last run for President of the United States has announced that he is running again. However, shortly after his announcement, his campaign team now admits that he can no longer remember what order numbers come in…

Obama Hits Milestone with 1000th Utterance of “Let me be clear”

Today, the polling organization Gallup announced that President Barack Obama has officially uttered the phrase “let me be clear,” for the 1,000th time in a televised speech. Gallup Poll, which is known for their unbiased, informative polls is now facing criticism from many on the left for even monitoring such a fact. Keith Olbermann took…

Gay, Atheist-Owned Bakery Indifferent About What Cakes They Make

…A move which undoubtedly does not allow Christians to express their personally-held convictions that they are entitled to under an Amendment.

Talk show radio host Rush Limbaugh, upon hearing about the gay, atheist-owned bakery in Bloomington from a caller decided to reveal just how unfair the “Godless, liberals in this country have become.” He issued this challenge to his listeners in the Greater Bloomington area…

Plastic Bags Banned in Lexington, Kentucky

“We need to seriously reduce the amount of plastic-related deaths in Lexington,” Connor said.

The Lexington ban will leave ‘breathable’ paper bags as the only option for local residents. Restrictions on bags include all sizes of plastic trash/garbage bags, clear Ziplock bags, slider grip bags, and, – at Connors request – laboratory mini-grip re-sealing bags and specimen transportation bags.

Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

Additionally, an anonymous McConnell aid said when he was first elected, McConnell declined having a desk and instead opted for a giant artificial rock and heat lamp. This is where he ended up spending most of his “working hours” sleeping – only rarely getting up to urinate or defecate in the corner of his office.