New Twitter Update Will Add An Animated Bird That Suggests Slurs & Insults To Spice Up Your Tweets

Elon Musk announced today that the remaining 17 employees at Twitter have been working day and night to finish a software update that will help users to insult other people on the platform with more creativity. “It’s kind of like … Continue reading New Twitter Update Will Add An Animated Bird That Suggests Slurs & Insults To Spice Up Your Tweets

Brittney Griner Forced To Stand For 10 National Anthems, Say 25 Pledges of Allegiance & Announce That ‘All Lives Matter’ Before Every WNBA Game In Exchange For Freedom

Republicans refused to cooperate with President Biden’s attempts to free WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian prison until he agreed that she will be required to stand for 10 national anthems, say 25 pledges of allegiance, and announce that “All … Continue reading Brittney Griner Forced To Stand For 10 National Anthems, Say 25 Pledges of Allegiance & Announce That ‘All Lives Matter’ Before Every WNBA Game In Exchange For Freedom

Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

Matt Gaetz Dating 16 year old abortion florida judge roe v wade

FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz

A 16-Year-Old who is in the care of Florida child welfare authorities has been told that she “lacks the maturity” to have an abortion, but that she is “old enough” to date US House representative Matt Gaetz. The ruling was … Continue reading FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz

Incapable Of Rational Thought, Man Says His Life Is Hard Too, So Privilege Can’t Possibly Exist

Brookfield, WI – Incapable of rational thought, local straight, white, able-bodied, Christian man Alan Richmond says that because his life has been hard too, it means that privilege cannot possibly exist. Experts are saying that Richmond is a very common … Continue reading Incapable Of Rational Thought, Man Says His Life Is Hard Too, So Privilege Can’t Possibly Exist

Unaware Of Failed Apps Parler, Gettr, Gab, Telegram, Minds & Rumble, Trump Calls Truth Social ‘First Of Its Kind’

Former president Donald Trump told reporters today that his soon-to-be released social media platform – Truth Social – is currently in beta testing and will be available to “real Americans” very soon. In the same statement, Trump also called Truth … Continue reading Unaware Of Failed Apps Parler, Gettr, Gab, Telegram, Minds & Rumble, Trump Calls Truth Social ‘First Of Its Kind’

Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

Former president Donald Trump announced his “own brand” of vaccine today that was immediately rejected by the scientific community after being identified as literal snake oil. Despite what experts are saying, millions of Republicans have lined up to take the … Continue reading Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning

conservative coffee company black rifle wont serve black coffee

Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee

Unwilling to learn current social etiquette – and despite the fact that black coffee is widely considered the most “manly” way to take your caffeine – the conservative and veteran-run Black Rifle Coffee Company is still too confused and frightened … Continue reading Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee

Unruly Conservatives Will Get Tased Mercilessly & Without Warning On Spirit Airlines

Unruly Conservatives Will Be Tased ‘Mercilessly & Without Warning’ On Spirit Airlines

Reports of an extreme uptick in unruly behavior by conservative passengers has prompted Spirit Airlines to announce that they are now supplying crew members with tasers. “In an average year, there are around 100 to 150 cases of bad passenger … Continue reading Unruly Conservatives Will Be Tased ‘Mercilessly & Without Warning’ On Spirit Airlines

Liz Cheney reminds public shes still a horrible person

Liz Cheney Sent To Re-Education Camp To Learn How To ‘Reject The Evidence Of Her Eyes & Ears’

After casting votes to oust Liz Cheney from her position of power today, House Republicans immediately voted to send the representative off to a new re-education camp for Republicans who won’t completely back Donald Trump. Notably, the camp is run … Continue reading Liz Cheney Sent To Re-Education Camp To Learn How To ‘Reject The Evidence Of Her Eyes & Ears’

republicans against trump regroup as less overtly racist third party

Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically … Continue reading Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

I'm Not a Snowflake Im Just Fully-Clothed Crying and Eating Soup On The Shower Floor

Opinion: I’m Not a Snowflake, I’m Just Fully-Clothed, Crying & Eating Goya Beans On The Shower Floor

Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters … Continue reading Opinion: I’m Not a Snowflake, I’m Just Fully-Clothed, Crying & Eating Goya Beans On The Shower Floor

The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity

(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions … Continue reading The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity

Gay Conservative Just Really Turned On By Being Dehumanized

Columbia, SC – Senator Lindsey Graham says the only reason he’s conservative is because he gets “incredibly hot” when he hears fellow right-wingers mock, belittle, and dehumanize homosexuals such as himself. Graham claims this is who he is at his … Continue reading Gay Conservative Just Really Turned On By Being Dehumanized

Conservative Waiting Until Bad Thing Impacts Him Before Caring About Issue

Conservative Christian Michael Dobbins of San Diego, California says he made the conscious decision years ago not to care about any political issues that don’t impact him or his closest family members until he absolutely has to. Dobbins says that … Continue reading Conservative Waiting Until Bad Thing Impacts Him Before Caring About Issue

Goya Sued For Assaulting Conservatives With Flavor, Spices in Products

Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being … Continue reading Goya Sued For Assaulting Conservatives With Flavor, Spices in Products

Parler App Quickly Becomes #1 Racist Content Repository

Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of … Continue reading Parler App Quickly Becomes #1 Racist Content Repository

Woke Twitter finally joins majority of Americans already boycotting the Hallmark Channel for exclusively pumping out basic white bitch content

Without needing a hashtag to trend on Twitter, most Americans with any taste say they were already boycotting the Hallmark Channel by simply scrolling past it in the TV guide. Meanwhile, the remainder of Americans tuning in will be treated … Continue reading Woke Twitter finally joins majority of Americans already boycotting the Hallmark Channel for exclusively pumping out basic white bitch content