The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.
After learning that Olive Garden’s parent company donates to the Trump campaign, liberals everywhere are asking for one last tinfoil bag of over-salted, buttery goodness before never setting foot in the glorified salad bar again. As of press time, boycotters had already begun purchasing TV dinners as a less expensive, higher quality alternative to the restaurant’s entrees.
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey
Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option.
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.