Sir David Attenborough narrates own birthday sex

Sir David Attenborough Films Own Birthday Sex & Adds Narration For Upcoming Biopic

English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. … Continue reading Sir David Attenborough Films Own Birthday Sex & Adds Narration For Upcoming Biopic

Supreme court rules satire illegal

Supreme Court Says Satire Is Now Illegal Due To ‘Reality Moving Far Beyond Rational Thought’

In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that satire is now illegal in the United States, stating that it “no longer serves its original purpose due to reality moving far beyond that of rational thought.” “The use of … Continue reading Supreme Court Says Satire Is Now Illegal Due To ‘Reality Moving Far Beyond Rational Thought’

Joe Biden Tells Confused Crowd About ‘The Time Dan Ate the Clouds Like Cotton Candy’

(Philadelphia, PA) Former Vice President Joe Biden gave an incoherent, rambling speech at a rally this afternoon in front of a small, perplexed crowd. At one point during the speech Biden spent several minutes talking about “the time Dan ate … Continue reading Joe Biden Tells Confused Crowd About ‘The Time Dan Ate the Clouds Like Cotton Candy’

“Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads

Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts … Continue reading “Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads

Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good

1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will … Continue reading Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good

First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House

The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini … Continue reading First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House

Buckle the Hell Up: Democrats Prepare to Impeach Trump a Second Time (and it’s gonna take a lot longer)

After Republicans blocked witnesses and evidence in the Democrat’s first attempt at impeaching the president, Nancy Pelosi now says they will have to go ahead and impeach Donald Trump for a second time in order to tell the public the … Continue reading Buckle the Hell Up: Democrats Prepare to Impeach Trump a Second Time (and it’s gonna take a lot longer)

Devil Gives Rush Limbaugh Warm Welcome By Turning Up Heat in Hell

GoFundMe Raises Over $200,000 to Remove Malignant Rush Limbaugh From Lung Tumor

After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. … Continue reading GoFundMe Raises Over $200,000 to Remove Malignant Rush Limbaugh From Lung Tumor

Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says

Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will … Continue reading Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says

President Trump poops all over the American flag to begin impeachment defense

Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while … Continue reading President Trump poops all over the American flag to begin impeachment defense